Feeling a little better today. But, something happens... in the evening?? I mean... total crash.
Still feeling the void, but not caring as much. But, what's ironic is the void itself. The void of what? Something based on false premises? Of a void of something that wasn't. Void of what wasn't. Ugh. But, I feel OK most of the time during the day.
But, I think night is torture in a way. I know it doesn't have to be. But, I'm still figuring that part out. I'm better. I know it and I can feel it.
But I feel like my body is like... different people.... going through different things. I'm fine, then happy, then sad, then lonely, then desperate feeling, then angry, then rejected, then fine, then pi$$ed, then defeated, then fine, then heartbroken, then confused, then sick feeling, then ok. That's all in a matter of like 10 minutes. JK, just cycles throughout the day.
Really- I think part of me feels totally paralyzed. That's the biggest thing.
Paralyzed, confused, hurt. But, I do feel a major sense of relief in keeping my distance. It makes things so much easier. And better. And, I just see him for who he is right now. Ick. I could possibly see myself being with someone who may be better for me. I'm not looking to jump into anything like that, but maybe some day.
Tonight, I'm gonna chill with my kids. Snuggle up. It's like zero degrees outside.
Even tho there is more than likely a 0 chance in my stich I still cycle. I can not it seems that big step forward and find a date. At times I see it as a failure in my part. H can find know while still in a r, but me after a year is still retaining the title of scarey gg.
It will settle and you won't really know when it happens but it will be different and you will wake up and think what the hell was I worried about.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Mighty everything you are feeling is normal. This is not the way you envisioned yiur life and it takes time to accept that. I remember a IC telling the same to me many years ago. At that time he asked me to start looking at what I wanted my life to look like in the future and change those past pics into some new. Then start making small steps toward that new life.
One thing that has always been something that helps me cope is to give myself things to look forward to. For example when I plan a trip I enjoy the whole planning process. I spend hours researching and getting ideas. Looking a head to something positive as simple as a dinner out helps.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Does MLCer do things out of spite sometimes? I mean, I know it doesn't matter or anything, but I wonder if some decisions are fro reactions.
Or to say F it.
All week, xh has not really spent time at hww. He has gone there, but not much. And, of course, I haven't really talked to him.
Yesterday, my hunch was that I wouldn't hear from him. I didn't until yesterday around 5. He asked where he was picking up d13. I didn't respond to his text right away. So he called. I definitely wasn't about to pick up the phone. So he called s17. I told s17 that she gets done a 5:30 or 6 and where. Then I thought about it, and remembered that it was 6pm, for sure bc her coach had texted that time. So, I did let him know that... it was 5:30 and the location.
He didn't respond. That's not normal for him. Then he dropped d13 off and went straight to hww's and did not come home until this morning to get ready for work. He just picked up d13 to take her to get hot chocolate and a doughnut with her friend. But he is going to be late for work bc he got back from hww's later than usual and he promised to take d13.
I guess I won't mind read, but I feel like it was an intentional action to fire me up. I'm not really. I mean, its not a great feeling, but I have to keep perspective. But, he's not going to get a reaction from me. It's not my problem anymore. I wonder if he is testing me still... so see if I am totally out or not.
OR, he just wanted to stay there! Quite possible.
I'm booking a trip today. It's so cold out... school was canceled. I just have to get out of the paralyzed feeling. If I really look into it, it's like I don't want to do some of the things that we would do as a family. I think that's part of it. But I took a couple trips over the summer with the kids and it was fine.
Maybe there is a part of me that thinks he really wants to go or something... and I'm waiting for that? I don't know, but it's sick. It has to stop. I don't want him to go anyways. So why do I feel so stuck. What am I waiting for?
My life has been on hold... for what? And I feel like my life will never pick up again. It's a terrible thought, I know. Sometimes I think that the life I can have in front of me isn't the one I want. Like, I don't move because 1.) I don't know how to. 2.) I feel stuck and don't know where to go. 3.) I don't find anything motivating. 4.) It's not the life I want.
EEEEEEwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.... I hate that person ^^^^^. I do! It is pathetic. I am just having such a difficult time figuring out what there is for me out there.
And if he was so messed up and confused, then how can he be happy and get the opportunity to start over with a new family? Like this ones does not exist. Maybe it was just me. I mean, he said it wasn't and that I didn't do anything wrong. That it was all him. So, what? He is just more attracted to her? WTF is it?
He said he always felt like he was in trouble with her. And she had to control everything. Including his r with the kids. Sure she was fine with him being with the kids... as long as it didn't put her out of her comfort zone... as long as she could control the sitch as best as she could. Otherwise... it wasn't happenin. But he now says the total opposite and is a blind dummy. She has so much control and power over him. Even he says that he just doesn't know what it is about her. It's infuriating to see this girl, who is closer to my son's age, have such an impact on my family. He is so weak and it is so unattractive. I just don't get it, you guys. At all.
Mighty, To answer your question about MLCers saying things out of spite sometimes. Yes, they do and it's to get a reaction from you. The more you react to their comments and behavior, the more they are aware that you are still there for them. Yes, it's crazy, but your reactions speak louder than words because it tells them we still care. Detachment will help w/that because the more you detach, the less you will react to his comments and/or behavior.
You have to remember that even though he is an adult, he is living as a teenager, which may prove to be that he's more immature than your youngest child. Kids say and do things to get their parents' reactions at times.
Book a trip and enjoy yourself. Any idea where you would like to go?
As for him starting over w/a new family...it's all a new experience for him and he's self medicating w/this adventure. The euphoria of this new life may become dull and routine in time. Starting over at his age will not be as much "fun" as it was when he was actually first married to you. He's going to find out that his so called freedom is actually the ball and chain of existence in time.
Let him go! Even though you aren't trying to physically fix him and situation right now...you are still trying to do so mentally. You are giving him and the "ow" far too much head space, head space that could be better utilized by you to take care of yourself and start living again.
Mighty, when they come sniffing around again, saying the words you want to hear, it's far more difficult the second time around to detach because you've begun to heal and think that they are truly back for good. Your heart and soul take a beating once again. Your xh will not make a decision as long as both of you and the ow are in the picture. When you completely pull back from him and his situation, he will then have to start looking at what he had and what he has now. Right now, he has had the best of both worlds and it's important to take the plate, cake and fork away from him. As long as he's able to come and go, do things w/you and you are readily available to him, he'll continue down this path. That's why it's important to let him go!
Mighty, it's time to think of you and what you want to do w/your life in the present time. The future will take care of itself. But your xh, well, it's going to take time for him to decide what he wants and who he wants to share his life with. Until his decision is made....live your life to the fullest and for YOU, not him!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mighty this too shall pass. I felt angry too after a set back when my ex tried getting closer a few months ago. They are dangerous to us when they are still in their crisis. We have to be stronger and protect ourselves from them. I know I did everything possible and then even more to try and make our marriage work and so did you. You deserve that same loyalty and love in return.
Karma, You posted this to me like last week or something. I reread it and reposted it. I need to read it again and again. It is really good. We do need to protect ourselves. Be stronger. And the loyalty and love... yeah, we deserve that. I mean.. think about it... all the loyalty we give. The love. What we put ourselves through- for them and our family. How we learn and grow- and what we deal with and put up with... because of loyalty and love. And what do we get in return?
I am not saying this with bitterness. But, I guess the point is, that if I am detached enough, I don't have to feel this burden or weight. His problems are not my problems. And by the looks of it... I am his problem now. Bc he hurt me again. Outside of that, it seems as though he has it figured out. But, still not a life I want. So its OK if that's what he wants.
I totally went left with this post. Went on a tangent. Didn't mean to. Just really liked karma's words.
Does your XH still live with you and your kids in your home? Or do you just allow him to come there to shower and get ready for work?
I know he was trying to come back to R, then baby was born and now he is back with OW..so is he living with you and her?
Are you ok with him living or coming to the house to shower?
This back and forth is going to be harder. My H is at home and its hard, I could not imagine knowing he is back and forth at our home and then at OW home.
And mighty this is your XH, so I'm not trying to be mean but really you dont have to put up with anything from him,..you are D from him, this is you XH!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Booked three airline tickets for spring break. Gonna shop for hotel and all that good stuff today. Kids birthdays in the upcoming week. I will give this to them for their present.
OK. Feeling good about this.
Gonna get tickets to Universal. They love it there. We went a couple years ago and had a great time. S17 was a huge Harry Potter fan when he was younger. He read the 1st book when he was in 1st grade. He read all. the. time. when he was a kid. Was always getting into trouble for reading! The teachers would say he read too much. And I was always telling him to put the book down bc he would be late or not doing other things. Kind of funny. Now I probably couldn't get him to read if I paid him.
Gotta see if I can find a way to get cheaper tickets somewhere. I will try AAA, I think.
Xh texted me something about property tax. I gotta go downtown and fill something out. Apparently he is putting the tax reduction thing on the other house. OK... not even gonna let it bother me. He gave the papers to d13 this morning. So, I guess he has been dealing with this this week. I'm not going to go there. I have been down this road before and accepted it. So, I am just going back to that place... I don't want to have to go through it again.
But, I knew he'd find a reason to text me this morning. I knew it. I knew he was testing me. I'm not going to give him what he wants.
I will keep planning some good things. Shake it off.
Hey 2B. No, he is not staying here at all. In fact, I told him he is not to come into my house anymore. He is staying next door- at his brother's house. He moved out of hww's house... well... their house, and moved into his brother's. He can't afford an apartment or anything, bc child support here and there. Two mortgages and he's sleeping in his nieces tiny bedroom.
He doesn't come here, and I am pretty much no contact at this point. But, I know when he is staying there. He comes and goes as he pleases there. Something I wasn't comfortable with. He'd be here and hang out, then hop in his truck and go there and hang out. I wasn't down with that. So, now he spends most of his time there. Being at his brother's house is not ideal for him. It is a crazy, loud, and out of control house. That was something he couldn't stand pre MLC. Now, he is hyper-sensitive to that kind of stuff. So, he goes wherever it's calm and quiet, I think. I gave him the boot.
So, when I say "home" getting ready for work, I mean next door at his brother's house.
