Not sure what to do

[Starsky309]

I just don't know what she'll do. Is there a typical response from a spouse in an A after the boundary speech?

First of all, this should not be your immediate concern. You're not doing it to get a "response" out of her, you're doing it for YOUR own integrity and emotional health.

That being said, one of three things typically happen:

1) She goes absolutely batchit-crazy LIVID at you;

2) She suddenly acts very NICE towards you, but she's doing it because you've upset her equilibrium and she's not quite sure about you yet so it's fake, and she's just feeling you out;

3) She suddenly acts very nice towards you, but it's out of genuine RESPECT (and even some attraction) for the boundary you laid down.

Sometimes, 2 or 3 can quickly follow a brief period of 1: she may immediately go nuts, but then soften in a day or two as she sees you're not backing down.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Oh, and P.S.:


Make no mistake, she absolutely WILL test your boundary. Especially if you don't have a strong track record of enforcing them successfully with her. She might use every trick at her disposal, too, swinging wildly from super-duper-nice (and even trying to get you to ML), to vile SPEW ("Well, I *WAS* going to consider coming back and working on a monogamous marriage with you, but NOW YOU'VE BLOWN IT!!"), to pretending to "cool it" with her OM, and back again.

Expect her to be all over the map, as you two establish a new power dynamic and equilibrium between you, and she tests you to see what "works" to get you back dutifully in line.

[KieranR]

So if she starts acting nice and says she'll give up contact with OM and go transparent, then how to proceed? Do I still detach and GAL? If so, for how long?

[Starsky309]

So if she starts acting nice and says she'll give up contact with OM and go transparent, then how to proceed? Do I still detach and GAL? If so, for how long?

Then you pause and say either "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore," or "Hmmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll have to think about that; a lot has changed."

That may all still be premature, but you have to guard against faux remorse. Are you going for compliance, or commitment?

Starsky

[KieranR]

I want to work on rebuilding the relationship, so I imagine I ultimately want commitment.

[KieranR]

What exactly is the difference in DB terms?

[KieranR]

W just called before her plane left. She said that I seemed upset and that she was really worried that I was mad at her and was going to leave her. I said we needed to talk when she got home, but that it ought to be in person. She alternated between crying and trying to blame me for making her so upset before her flight, but I stuck to my guns and said we'd need to talk in person. We'll see what happens.

[Train]

Kieran,

Don't project too much here. You have instincts and A LOT of sound advice from some of the wisest, heaviest hitters on these boards. Trust their advice.

IF she immediately turns nice and offers to give up contact with OM, then there's a plethora of other steps you'll need to take to make sure the A is ended and that you have the transparency you need to move forward. It starts with a no-contact letter to OM. But that's a bridge to be crossed when you get there, especially considering - if I've read correctly - W works and/or travels with this guy. That's a really big mountain to climb, and right now, you need to simply be focused on keeping one foot in front of the other.

These situations are beasts. But you, my friend, are in the absolute best hands here.

Stay strong.

[Train]

W just called before her plane left. She said that I seemed upset and that she was really worried that I was mad at her and was going to leave her. I said we needed to talk when she got home, but that it ought to be in person. She alternated between crying and trying to blame me for making her so upset before her flight, but I stuck to my guns and said we'd need to talk in person.

Yep. She's spinning. Remember Starsky's "Infidelitus interruptus"? Mission accomplished ... EXCEPT it's accomplished right before you face her instead of right as she was on her way to her destination.

That's okay.

GREAT job on your part in the conversation; I'm impressed.

Now stay focused, and stay strong and resolved.

[Train]

Fwiw:

Wonka mentioned this:
Starsky, I forgot your bit about "if you end the A, I'm here and willing to work with you......." script. Can you please help out here as my mind blanked out?

And Starsky replied:
"However, if you will end your affair -- and I mean absolutely no-contact, you send a letter and agree to be fully transparent with me -- and come back and work on the marriage with me for some set period of time, unencumbered by a third party. Let's say 6 months, or a year" ... (and don't make this any LESS than six months) . . . "and then it doesn't work out, for either one of us? Then I think I could not only still be your friend if we divorced, but probably pretty good friends going forward, as at least I'll know we tried."

Though I can't speak for either of them, I THINK Wonka was referring to a line Starsky often advises that goes something like this:

"If you completely end your A and choose to return to our M, I think you'll find that I'm ready and willing to work on any and all issues that led to the breakdown of our M."