You would want to review the papers before you sign them. Make sure every detail is covered in there. Be sure that the 50-50 custody is a hill that you're willing to die on. Trust me, W will turn around and spew at you for being "ungrateful", "being hardass", "not helpful" etc.
Look gogofo, I know it may seem like I'm being hard on you but I'm just trying to keep your eyes wide open and protect yourself and your children. Look at what you just wrote:
Originally Posted By: gogofo
I don't think she will be too bad about it, but I want to be prepared for the worst.
And now go back a few pages and read where you wrote that she wanted to kick you out of the house just for not acknowledging that you received the divorce filing. Now, not only have you received the petition, but you've legally responded and challenged her position.
She's gonna be livid!!
That's why we want you to put your spew jacket on. You need to be calm and strong right now. In person. In front of her. You need to be prepared with statements like:
-I understand you're upset, but I will not discuss this with you if you won't talk to me respectfully.
-This isn't something I want, however I will take steps to protect my relationship with the children.
-I'm not willing to discuss the details of the divorce with you. My lawyer is handling that.
Fasten your seatbelt, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Just on the dark thing, gogofo, in an ideal world, you would continue to be cordial with your wife and create those positive interactions before going your separate ways. The reason everyone here is advising that you go dark is so you can learn to detach and focus on yourself without your wife in the picture.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
That's why we want you to put your spew jacket on. You need to be calm and strong right now. In person. In front of her. You need to be prepared with statements like:
-I understand you're upset, but I will not discuss this with you if you won't talk to me respectfully.
-This isn't something I want, however I will take steps to protect my relationship with the children.
-I'm not willing to discuss the details of the divorce with you. My lawyer is handling that.
Fasten your seatbelt, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Thanks Drew, this is exactly what I need. I have no idea what I am walking into and I do really appreciate everyone for helping out. I need to be prepared and reading and re-reading statements like this help me when the time comes to use them.
Originally Posted By: Barrybran
Just on the dark thing, gogofo, in an ideal world, you would continue to be cordial with your wife and create those positive interactions before going your separate ways. The reason everyone here is advising that you go dark is so you can learn to detach and focus on yourself without your wife in the picture.
I still do plan on being cordial. I am still so attached I would take a miracle for me to be hateful or vindictive towards her. My plan is to have cordial relations when the kids are around. When the kids are asleep I will go my separate way.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Sorry, I probably should have worded that better. In an ideal world, you'd still be sitting on the couch, having a wine, catching up on each other's days and building up a bank of positive interactions. Instead, everyone has called for darkness so you can learn to detach.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I hit my going dark goals yesterday. When I got home the kids were eating dinner with the W. She had half a sandwich left for me to eat.
I kept interactions minimal and just talked about things about the house. Did not really engage her in much dialog.
The kids and I left and ran errands etc. then I put then down for bed.
It was hard but I forced myself to not empty the dishwasher and load it with the dishes in the sink. I don't know if I will be able to not do house work things. What I will do though is not go over the top with trying to get everything perfect. I did not do her or the kids laundry this week like I had been doing. I noticed she had loaded the washer with the kids stuff, but I left it alone too.
I then went to my bedroom and relaxed and did some reading.
I started reading the "Going Dark -101" thread from the archives. It has given me great perspective and insight into the technique. I saw it as a black and white or on/off kind of thing. I read through 4 of the 22 pages so I have a lot of reading to do.
I know I do not have the strength to go dark, I just don't have it in me when we are in the same house. There was a long post that described going dark while in the same house, that is what I am going to aim at doing.
Here is my plan of action. I will be cordial around my W and if she starts a conversation I will participate. I will not start conversations unless it is about kids or house, etc. I will not hang around in the common areas of the house if the kids are not there. I will try to be physically removed from her space and shared spaces. I will stop my "do you need anything" text messages. I will try to not cook a dinner specific for her. I used to cook for kids and then have some dinner ready for us when she got off of work, no more of this.
Plans for the weekend. Have fun with boys tonight and buy a b-day present for a friend's kid's party on sunday. Install fire door at the house Saturday morning and work on loading up the house stuff into the trailer. Take kids to movie on Saturday night. Load trailer on Sunday.
Where I need help. When I tell the W about my plans for the movie I don't know what to say in response if she asks to join us.
I think something like "I would like to take just the kids and I, a daddy date."
My heart wants the whole family to be there, but that is because I am not emotionally detached. I would have the expectation that she would change her stance about the D.
The response to the D complaint will be sent today. I will try to get my rain coat and umbrella ready.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
I went through 13 weeks of in house seperation and going dark is extremely difficult. Some keys for me: Remember that going dark is a state of mind. It is detaching. Detaching while in the same home takes a tremendous amount of will power. You constantly have to be aware of your reactions, feelings and emotions. Detaching means that what she does or says has very little effect on you. For example: Normally she cooks for you every day. One day she cooks for everyone except you. Being detached means you do not feel hurt by this. Being detached means you see that there is no food for you, so you go prepare your own meal. Another example of being detached: In my sitch I knew I was getting better at being detached when I stopped being upset when my WAW did not respond to my TM.
Getting out and GAL is crucial for you. The more you GAL the easier it is to detach. The more detached you get the easier it becomes to GAL.
Hang in there. In house separation is NOT an easy thing.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
