Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

I do have friends to hang out with. I had a hell of a good time last weekend when 5 of us went to a boat show.

I need to pick up some old hobbies again. I plan on setting up my drums that I haven't played in quite a while when I get into my new house. I actually gave up playing them in college, wanted to pick them up again when the W and I got our first house but "we" decided to set up a guest room instead of a room for my drums. I have a long record of putting other people first.

I would like to pick up an exercise routine. I have a friend that does kettle bell stuff that I want to try to see if I like it.

I need to file for professional registration in a neighboring state and study the local laws for testing.

In the meantime I have been stressing about getting our house packed up and sold. It consumes most of my free time.

We are supposed to be out by the 24th and sign papers.

I am supposed to sign papers on the new house on the 27th.

After that I will welcome the quiet and free time to set up my house and contemplate my future and what I want to do. I need the physical separation to get clarity, Sandi lined that out very well to me above.

[Drew]

Don't text her your salary. Anything divorce related goes through your lawyer.

[gogofo]

Too late. I sent her the text. She replied that she already told him a number. It was about $100 dollars lower than I actual make. So it is what it is.

Not going to lie, I am a little nervous about the L stuff, but I will get through this and it will be a growing/learning opportunity.

[Drew]

Wow. She certainly knows how to pull your strings, doesn't she?

[Drew]

2 - Text W a message with my monthly net income to move along the D process.

Didn't your DB coach specifically tell you to drag the divorce process out?

[Drew]

From your post of 1/23/15

She said to drag out the D process as much as possible, time is on my side. She said to continue being pleasant and have upbeat interactions with W. Do not tell W when I receive papers. If asked, just say yes. If she asks about how I feel about it to explain that I am saddened by her hopeless feelings about our future. Less is more when communicating with the W.

[gogofo]

My DB coach did say to try to drag out the process. I have until Friday to file a response to the complaint. This response will prolong the process. Going into default would have removed most all road blocks in the process.

I waited until this time because we had no communication about the D until she asked me my income number. I was ignoring the D and was not protecting myself. I had hoped that my actions were changing her mind, how foolish.

She had me scared when she wanted to kick me out for not telling her that I was served papers. Another spineless interaction on my part because I apologized for not telling her. I have taken validating to the next level of cowering down to her. Instead of saying "I see how you feel, even if I don't agree" I go to "I am sorry, I should not have made you mad." PATHETIC!

I didn't think about how giving her my net income would keep the process going. I see your point now. I was nervous about her seeing me not giving it to her as manipulating her; I have tons of work to do with being codependent and worried that someone is upset with me.

My DB coach also said to continue to be pleasant, not to go dark. I have had overwhelming responses here to go dark. Sandi took me to task, and I agree with what she said. I am codependent on her and being pleasant leads me to being spineless.

Some of my coach's advice seems to go against advice from some of the vets.

I could be confused on this too.

[Drew]

Yes you have to respond to the petition. But I'm pretty sure there is NOTHING in there that requires you to respond to financials. That comes later. AFTER the Parenting Agreement.

It can take a good long while to get divorced, and that is why she's pushing you. Don't let her. And you don't have to be nasty. "I'm sorry W, but I'd prefer to let my lawyer handle all the details about the divorce." And walk away. And yes, she'll be mad. That's her issue, not yours!!! Have you ever read up on Boundaries?

And do you want to sell the family home? Seems like you were rushed into that decision as well.

[gogofo]

I have read the Boundaries thread that Wonka started. I downloaded boundaries in marriage two days ago but have not read it. I will put it on my list, but right now I want to take a couple day break on any self help books.

I will read up on boundaries, I know I need them. When I first read Wonka's cheat sheet on it I realized I needed a boundary to separate physically from my W in the house. I was lying to myself that our interactions were going to rebuild our R. I was getting hurt after spending the evenings on the couch relaxing together. I built false hope and expectations.

I do want to sell the family home. It is 40 years old and needs a lot of upgrades that I am not prepared to do. The house would work, but I desire to have a new one.

When we were previously separated I thought about it and wanted to move. The house needs a new kitchen and windows and upgraded electrical system. I started to get quotes and about crapped myself. I would rather have a house without landscaping and an unfinished basement than upgrade the house I was in. The house I have an offer in on has a much better floor plan.

[gogofo]

Talked with L, papers are being wrote and I will sign them tomorrow. Still nervous, but trusting I can live through any consequences that are created by this.

I need to keep reminding myself that my rights as a parent are more important than my W's feelings or response to my objection to her having primary custody.

I cannot imagine having to explain to my kids that I only have the right to see them every other weekend because I was scared to lose money. They are more important than that.