Not sure what to do

[sandi2]

It must feel as if we are hitting you pretty hard about your W being in an A. If you read several threads, you will be surprised in the similarity. So many men have started their threads by saying they were sure the W wasn't involved with another man. Then, wham!

We hope to get you to see what's happening so that you will begin making the right steps. It's bad enough to have a WAW, but if she's got some other guy in her head.....you've got a different breed, and one you probably won't recognize as looking anything like the woman you M. And whether she has actually walked away, or not, does not determine if she's a WAW. It is what's in her heart that defines her. And if she fits the bill, plus involved in an A, then she is a wayward wife.

So, there was nothing in your MR that sent up any flags? Everything seem fine, even the sex? Would she initiate ML? Would she kiss you passionately? You know the song, "It's in His Kiss"? Well, it's in her kiss that often tells the truth about her feelings. However, if she really wants to experiment with multiple sex partners, she might be able to pull off having great sex! As it stands now, she wants at least two men.

I don't see her leaving the M right away to be with the OM permanently because it would involve a move to a different continent. W is also very invested in her career. She'd need to get an equivalent job in a foreign country before she'd leave, IMHO.

Okay, so aside from thinking she would or wouldn't leave the country, the real issue at the moment is she is having an affair. That's what you need to accept. And, never---ever underestimate what a WW might do.

A very important fact you need to learn immediately is that a married woman having an A is not logical. You cannot deal with her logically. She may be the smartest, sharpest, keenest girl out there.....but she will not be reasonable. So make up your mind now....you will not be able to reason with your W. Don't waste your breath trying to talk her into changing her mind, or working with you to save the M, or giving up OM. Every time you try to talk to her about the MR, she will come back at you, placing the fault on your shoulders.

You will learn what not to do or say, it just takes time to get it all in. It is most important that you don't start begging, pleading, & crying. In fact, don't say much at all until you learn a little more about DBing. It is actually a good thing when she wonders what you are thinking or what you may decide to do. Don't give away your feelings. Don't reassure her of your love. If she should ask how you feel since she told you about OM, just tell her you have a lot of think about. Do not tell her any thing else just yet.

Many LBH's panic and feel their time will run out and they must "do something" ASAP. You will be doing something, but probably not what you initially thought.

I think Starsky mentioned how you need to be thinking about your core values. That is extremely important b/c you will need to know about setting boundaries. In order to know where you will draw a line, you have to know what you won't live without.....and what you won't live with. (Excuse the poor grammar, but you get my point?) I'm sure you have certain principles, norms and standards, and most of us have spiritual/religious beliefs. So you have to take all that into account.

Just some examples of what I mean: Will you let another person clearly show disrespect toward you? How do you feel about honesty, faithfulness, loyalty, honor, trust, deceit, lies, betrayal, infidelity, selfishness, on & on. These are the things I meant by what you live with or without in your life. It is based on your character, Kieran, and what you know to be right or wrong.

You have started out doing the right thing b/c you actually came back after the first post. I hope you will continue to communicate with us b/c we would like to help. All of us here have been in like situations, and have learned from each other. You are in good company.