Part 12 - Contents may vary

[edz]

No worries Jim, no point in being open if you dont invite questioning and criticism to allow an external view on your actions!

So lets take a looksee

How you reacted is probably where some of the problems lie - you felt that she pushed you to the bottom of the pile - rather than saw it as being you being supportive. how would you deal with this differently in future relationships?

Yes, you're right and I took it as such the problem was w then took that to mean I required no attention. Nothing physical, no touching no conversation in the evening or time alone with her. I'm very low maintenance but I do require some time and affection especially from someone so important. Different? In this m or a new r I wouldnt allow myself to not comment. I'd pushed my own concerns and upset over not being thought of way down inside instead of saying wife I need to talk about this.

And did you push it to wife or did you just leave it there for her to do?

This was the spiral we got into that caused diviion between us and also caused the relationship problems with s. I got hung up on work and I got hung up on feeling unwanted and so threw myself into work and isolating myself from the world. W took on all responsibilities for s partly because she wanted to and partly because I wasnt there as I was working or involved in something else. I own that one and its what I've been reversing since August. Work is important but I let it get too important and ended up with money worries and on my own, not a mistake I'll make again.

So what is your boundary? Is it you dont want to be friends with your wife? or is it you dont want to be friends if she was dating someone else? and what do you see as the friend zone?

Yes, that may not be too clear from my postings. My one and only boundry is if we divorce I cant continue the friendship the way it is. I simply wouldnt move on, I'd be an onlooker while she did and if she found someone I'd stand by and watch and get emotionally crushed. Am I saying I'm done? No, simply that I'd need more emotional distance. Right now w comes and goes, one minute she's very distant then next she's eating in the kitchen and sitting on the sofa with me. I'd need some stability and a little more distant. Thats the only real boundry and not that I would want nothing to do with her but that I couldn't be like this.

Right now I try to mirror her contact with a few white doves thrown in. If she doesnt contact me I'll ping her an email saying about weekend activities or confirming time with s and occasionally asking if she wants to join. She can choose to ignore the extra bits and I'll respect that but we do back and forth more from time to time.

W is the queen of passive aggressive though (I dont claim to be an angel on this but Im a lot better since I had counselling) if she gets an email or I say something she doesnt like she withdraws, I'm not sure if thats to make me chase her or if she just feels she needs to reassert control but I dont make the mistake of pushing at that point anymore. Next time I contact her will be because I'm asking something or letting her know something, not to say "are you ok?".

it might be time in the near future to figure out a strategy on this one.

I have to a certain extent and yes I do protest too much. In the next couple of months if things go as I hope they will it should be a different picture. I'll have my wages and bills on a separate account, the joint one will revert to hers and things will be a lot simpler.

We shall see I suppose