Devotion to a dream...

[phunguy]

Cadet, you couldn't have had better advice or timing! I'm trying Cadet, lord knows I'm trying. And yes your comment is dead on as what happened this morning only further shows/helps me today!

This morning I'm getting out of the shower and she's in the bathroom looking at me via the mirror it's opposite the shower. We aren't sleeping in the same bed, but all her clothes are still in our master suite(where I'm sleeping) and her makeup etc, in our bath area. I see that she's looking at my umm.... and I ask her "what are you looking at?" She says "Your C@#$, you know a girls got needs too." I say "I'm sure they do." She says "I can only masturbate so much, it's not the same" Then she drops something I didn't expect on me "Well, you know, maybe we could have sex or maybe you might let me use you for sex?" As much as I want her to, even the thought of being "used" seems enjoyable on a very primal level. I mustered up all my courage and tell her "I'll have to think about it" was all I could get out of my mouth.

It flashed my mind to the day she told me that she wanted D, I said to her as I riled in the pain of that moment, "but we made love just the other day?" I was so confused, and hurt in that moment and I think she tried and succeeded to hurt me because she said, "I was using you for sex, a girl has needs too" Almost the exact same thing she said this morning! I can't believe it, cause I wanted to yell YES! but it felt liberating and a bit powerful to kindly rebuff her. After feeling the way I have these two plus weeks, she's devastated me and thinks I will bend to her whims? WTF? I'm not that naive!

Sensing that she was testing me because she used the words "use me" I thought that was an odd word choice, but thankfully , it clicked that memory which is still a fresh and open wound, it really was what she would have done to me. Left me there, used. I don't want that. I want love from my wife. It was difficult as much as I wanted to I don't want to be used. I want to be loved.

So now, I feel like she just put an Ace in my deck. I have a card, not a hand but a card. I think I will continue being nice, cordial, and detaching. Maybe she's about to break? So confusing!

I will tell her tonight, "although I would like to have sex, I would not like to be "used" ". When she told me she wanted a divorce, she also wanted to divorce my love and that includes intimacy and sex/love making, maybe I'm a sap, but that is special to me. I'm not going to be treated this way.