She comes home is nice to me and wanted to talk about my job? She never asks me about my job. I didn't know what to say. I said its busy, but good. Then she told me not to look at her with those eyes, I said why do you like them? She said maybe and flashed her smile at me, you know that flirty over the shoulder hair flick smile. So I said well I'm going up to bed, goodnight.
Is there light in this dream? Ahhhhhh rollercoaster!!!!
Last edited by phunguy; 02/12/1504:33 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Cadet, you couldn't have had better advice or timing! I'm trying Cadet, lord knows I'm trying. And yes your comment is dead on as what happened this morning only further shows/helps me today!
This morning I'm getting out of the shower and she's in the bathroom looking at me via the mirror it's opposite the shower. We aren't sleeping in the same bed, but all her clothes are still in our master suite(where I'm sleeping) and her makeup etc, in our bath area. I see that she's looking at my umm.... and I ask her "what are you looking at?" She says "Your C@#$, you know a girls got needs too." I say "I'm sure they do." She says "I can only masturbate so much, it's not the same" Then she drops something I didn't expect on me "Well, you know, maybe we could have sex or maybe you might let me use you for sex?" As much as I want her to, even the thought of being "used" seems enjoyable on a very primal level. I mustered up all my courage and tell her "I'll have to think about it" was all I could get out of my mouth.
It flashed my mind to the day she told me that she wanted D, I said to her as I riled in the pain of that moment, "but we made love just the other day?" I was so confused, and hurt in that moment and I think she tried and succeeded to hurt me because she said, "I was using you for sex, a girl has needs too" Almost the exact same thing she said this morning! I can't believe it, cause I wanted to yell YES! but it felt liberating and a bit powerful to kindly rebuff her. After feeling the way I have these two plus weeks, she's devastated me and thinks I will bend to her whims? WTF? I'm not that naive!
Sensing that she was testing me because she used the words "use me" I thought that was an odd word choice, but thankfully , it clicked that memory which is still a fresh and open wound, it really was what she would have done to me. Left me there, used. I don't want that. I want love from my wife. It was difficult as much as I wanted to I don't want to be used. I want to be loved.
So now, I feel like she just put an Ace in my deck. I have a card, not a hand but a card. I think I will continue being nice, cordial, and detaching. Maybe she's about to break? So confusing!
I will tell her tonight, "although I would like to have sex, I would not like to be "used" ". When she told me she wanted a divorce, she also wanted to divorce my love and that includes intimacy and sex/love making, maybe I'm a sap, but that is special to me. I'm not going to be treated this way.
Last edited by phunguy; 02/12/1502:54 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I'm fairly certain at this point 99%, though I am not 100% there is no affair, there may have been one either PA or EA at one point this summer(and we've had plenty of sex in that time hell we did it two days before she dropped the bomb), but I cannot find a single shred of evidence, and I looked fairly aggressively, phone records, emails, cell phone, etc.
Let me tell you, that may have been the most difficult thing I've done in terms of my own sexual urges ever. It took everything for me not to toss her on the bed right there and then. At the same time I feel quite empowered by my action.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Well it seems my rebuffing her has brought back her bitterness and hatred for me. I expected two scenarios the current one where her attempts to use me wouldn't work and she became angry or feeling resentment because I've not succumbed to her advances this morning and the other being she would try to make with the nicety, make me plan B or keep under her control. She immediately began talking to me tonight in a difficult tone tinged with anger. Reminding me that she's going "away" next weekend to her girlfriends house as if she's trying to hurt me. And talking to me about the fact that she's making a plan to get our kids into daycare and further that she is willing to go to counseling but only for our son and if I think she's gong to talk about us I'm mistaken, ok. I dnt know how she thinks she will avoid it. I old her that this is her show and its up to her as to how our son is told of her decision my suggestion is that we do it in a counseling setting. I'm not sure she's in agreement but said she would attend family counseling for our son. I don't see how our R doesn't become a topic of discussion. It was all very interesting to be a part of. I'm not trying to figure her out I'm going to bed and detaching goodnight.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
We ended up talking last night. She came to me I was in the kitchen getting ready to go to my room and said she was sorry. I asked why, she said she didn't want to hurt me and she could see I was hurting. I didn't think I was giving any indication of that, so I'm not sure if she was thinking that because I was not initially talkative or that I was dismissive of her attitude when she came home by not really offering much in the way of discussion. Either way, I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said no.
However, she continued on and we ended up talking for a while. I explained to her that she has every right to be angry with me and I realize that she has seen me as unapproachable and our communication has been practically nonexistent. I listened to her and she maintains that it's over and she doesn't want to work on anything but continued to stress how she doesn't want to hurt me and it's a very hard decision and she doesn't think that things will change. But yet, we talked about the past and I pointed out to her that she may seeing a lot of negative things in that past but we also had a lot of good times and I pointed a few things out to her.
I also told her I realize that she feels things will not change and that is understandable based on the past. How neither of us had put much effort into it the last year or more and that we both just let everything deteriorate. She withdrew and I became more angry and it was a viscous cycle.
Further, that we were both to blame but that it wasn't so far gone that we couldn't work to fix it. She said she knows how I feel(I don't think I begged or pleaded just stated that it could be fixed, would she see this as beg/plead?). I told her if she wants D or S, she can have that, that I want her to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted that I love her no matter what and I will be here for her and give her the time and space she's requested. I also told her I hope that she feels that she can approach me with anything. She said she will approach the sh*t outta me. Not sure what she means by that.
The hard part here is that we seem to have had this conversation 2 or 3 times now. I think I will seek to break this cycle of discussion like this as it seems to be almost scripted. The next time she approaches me I will talk less, shorten my answers. I think the last time we did this little dance she was taken back by some of my questions for her, specifically about divorce, money, and if she had any plans. This was a few days ago, at which time she told me she basically hadn't planned anything.
So here I am.
my 180s Positive attitude No anger/angry responses Listen Be quiet don't cut her off when she talks Workout/Run(Already down 7 lbs!) Help around the house more(cleaning, etc.) Read and inform myself GAL - go out with friends do stuff!
Last edited by phunguy; 02/13/1503:48 PM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Bargaining? Maybe it is. She knows how I feel>I express(again)> deal or no deal?... yes I see it now. I see this must stop. She knows how I feel, no point in rehashing it.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
About to head out for the night. Final thought for the week: 3 weeks and she's done nothing just like the last year or so. No action, confusion and heart ache, I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain I deserve better than this. I'm going to have fun at a friends birthday tonight happy Friday ya'll!!!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
