@Starsky309: I'm a pretty monogamous guy. I'm not sure I would want an open marriage, because I'm really not that into seeing other women. Plus I worry that her talk about openness is really just an excuse to be able to continue thid one relationship with the OM.
And yet you want to have sex with her when she comes back from being with her OM? I hope you were joking.
I confronted W about this and said I thought she was having an EA. She agreed, and said that she wasn't unhappy with me, but that she'd met the OM during a rough patch in our M and that they had a special connection. She apologized for hurting my feelings, but said that her relationship with the OM was important to her, and that she might not be cut out for strict monogamy. She said she still wanted to keep our relationship as the primary one, and that the EA with the OM was not physical.
You have no idea she was so "relaxed" about her wedding vows, I am guessing. You confront her about OM and she has no problem admitting it. Then has the nerve to apologize for "hurting your feelings"? She isn't sorry she has been unfaithful, and I would say that it is a lot more than just hurting your feelings. But hey, I guess it was nice of her not to blame you for anything, and to warn you she may not be cut out for strict monogamy. Kind of late, however.
Look, she has been having an affair with the man for three yrs. You turned a blind eye to it. And you still want to believe your situation isn't that serious. Trust me, it is as serious as it gets. If you had told her you thought she was having a PA, she might have no problem admitting to it, also. Her telling you she may not be cut out for monogamy, is her PREPARING you for the extent of the truth, whenever you find out.
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I think our M is still pretty good; we talk a lot, have very regular sex and still manage to make time for us. On top of that, OM lives in a different country, so it would be very difficult for her to go to him and keep our S4. But I am feeling hurt, betrayed, and jealous.
Yet they meet in various locations. Sorry, but you do not have a pretty good M. She's just been good at deceiving you. You should feel what you are feeling. You have been betrayed!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm unhappy about all of this. The reason that it feels less dire is that it just doesn't seem likely she'd go to another continent for this guy. It's for that reason that I think time may be on my side, ultimately. I am all for trying the DB method because it would take her a very long time to make arrangements to move over there (e.g. getting a job over there and making some exceptional custody arrangements).
Re:sex. I thought Michele was of the opinion that sex with an estranged spouse could be a good thing, as sex tends to build up the connection in the M?
One other question: if one of my W's stereotypical complaints about me was that I wasn't demonstrative enough of my affection for her (e.g. arranging dates and buying her flowers/cards) how can I 180 that behaviour if I'm not supposed to do that stuff for her now?
One other question: if one of my W's stereotypical complaints about me was that I wasn't demonstrative enough of my affection for her (e.g. arranging dates and buying her flowers/cards) how can I 180 that behaviour if I'm not supposed to do that stuff for her now?
It is pursuit especially if she is in an active affair.
Like an alcoholic saying I quit vodka and changed to beer. A change but not the right one.
Edit - Starsky if you get a chance look at my thread in MLC
Your situation is similar to mine. W is having an EA with OM and the connection in both our M is lost. Talked to W about about it, things improved a bit, however they still communicate. Unless W decides to stop, otherwise there's nothing much we can do. You can't force her, you can't debate with her, you can't talk logic to her... I'm equally as stuck as you are. Other than confronting her, did you apply any other methods to make her more attracted to you thus hoping she would stop her EA? Will be interested to know
M: 32 W: 32 T:6 M:3 BD: 12/05/14 WEA: 12/30/14 - till now
Did you not say they met about three times a year for conventions, etc.?
When a third party is involved, then the dynamics change and you can't do some of those things you should have been doing all this time. Buying flowers, giving gifts, arranging dates, etc., is chasing after her.
DB teaches to pull back. Don't crowd her, smother her, cling to her. Not in an angry or sullen way, but like you have so much interesting things going on in your life.
If you don't have a problem having sex with your W, knowing the OM probably has too, then that is your personal choice. But, to me, it does seem that that would be like putting your stam of approval on her have more than one sex partner.
When you read MWD books, you have to realize part of it applies to troubled M without any infidelity, or even a WAS, and then there are sections about affairs.
I agree with what Starsky said about treating her as if she were a neighbor spending the night.
Last edited by sandi2; 02/12/1510:16 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, they meet 3-4 times per year, but I don't see her leaving the M right away to be with the OM permanently because it would involve a move to a different continent. W is also very invested in her career. She'd need to get an equivalent job in a foreign country before she'd leave, IMHO.
All that having been said, though, I'm trying not to be complacent. The books are on order, I have a meeting with an IC this week, and I'm planning to start DBing right away.
Yes, they meet 3-4 times per year, but I don't see her leaving the M right away to be with the OM permanently because it would involve a move to a different continent. W is also very invested in her career. She'd need to get an equivalent job in a foreign country before she'd leave, IMHO.
I know you don't, Kieran, and we're all trying to GET you to see it. You are an academic -- do some basic research on "PEAs love lust brain addiction." Affairs are HIGHLY addictive, and the chemical changes in the brain of a wayward even show up on a CAT scan. Do you remember the story of an otherwise sane, intelligent, adult female astronaut who drove across the country wearing an adult diaper, just so she wouldn't have to stop for bathroom breaks while she drove to Florida to confront her affair partner's wife to avenge her man???
Just on these very forums, I have seen previously rational, successful, devoted people wipe out their family's bank accounts; contract STDs and bring them home to their betrayed spouse, infecting them; abandon their own children; one woman had sex in the family car with her OM, while her one year old child sat sleeping in her car seat, two feet away from them; others have jeopardized (and lost) lucrative careers, engaging in all kinds of stupid and risky behavior.
