Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

Thoughts on text vs NC while he's away?

H is away on a ski trip this week. He left Fri night and we were texting a bit (just jokes/lighthearted stuff), last time we spoke was Sat when he texted to say he got there (which was a shock to me because he never tells me when he arrives). He returns this Friday.

DB coach said I could send a lighthearted text if I wanted. I'm really not sure what's better here: giving him space or "building friendship" (that's what DB coach said I should be doing right now with inviting him to do activities occasionally).

[susana4]

Now I'm just rambling to myself...

I've seen many times on the boards people saying you can't "nice" your spouse back. But on the other hand, they say to build friendship. Are those incompatible? Maybe I just don't understand the concept of "nicing" someone back.

[susana4]

So I sent a text. He replied within 2 minutes(!). And then I couldn't effing leave it alone and texted him back and he didn't reply. Oh well. I don't think it was too bad though but I probably shouldn't have replied to his text.

Trying not to mindread about why he didn't reply though.

Me (sent a picture of a sandwich shop flyer that came to the house, it's a delivery service we used in our office but now they have opened a shop): The sandwich man has a shop now?! Seems like it's defeats the purpose
Hope there is plenty of snow and £1 beer and you're having fun
H: Haha! Surely people only get their sandwiches because of the convenience not because they actually want them! Although they are my kind of prices! I am having lots of fun thanks. I have got some great go pro footage too! I hope your week is going good too ^^I gave him the GoPro for Xmas
Me: You'd think, lol. I bet the prices there are your kind of prices too! That's good, I'd love to see the go pro footage when you're back! I am! Saw my counsellor today and I am learning a lot and working hard to be more positive.

2x4 anyone?

[Calibri]

Know all about not leaving it alone. I majored in that in college.

So, it's not horrible, but it wasn't the best either. It was a great convo until you (IMO) turned it back onto you. One might interpret your text as a thinly veiled opener for a R talk. I saw that with all due respect cause I've done it in the past.

So H is having a nice time. Snow, vacay and then BAM! Reminder of wife and relationship problems.

I tried something similar, cause I couldn't leave it alone. I'm still mortified about the convo to this day. (I tried being vulnerable. I ended up looking like an insecure ass.)

here's the thing (and forgive me, I'm tired so I may not be completely UTD on your sitch). h knows you're going to IC. H knows (seemingly) that you are working on yourself. H doesn't need to be reminded while he's on vacation. You want H to notice your positivity. Not be told about it. Via text. On vacation.

You're fairly new re: BD and I know things must be whirling around in your head. And you remind me of me, except more positive. :-) allow yourself time to breathe. Allow your H time to breathe. These things need to be given time and space to work out.

Take a look at wonka's validation sheet. It might be helpful to have available.

[Complex]

After some talk to the vets about NC vs friendly contact I am also on the side that this is not benefiting you.
Do you think it is?
Because I don't. I've been EXACTLY where you are right now. Separated with friendly contact constantly. And it did NOT help...at all. N my case ok there was OM involved emotionally. But everythibv eventually lead to worsening everything. Now I am where you eventually will be soon.
So you can either follow through ad DB right even if it doesn't feel right at all, or you continue light contact, which will a) distract you from true detachment b) disrupt H own journey.
This is a long azz process Susana. I mean I'm not in your position and I don't know how your R with H exactly looks like right now, but you rather do NC than contact when in doubt! Curious about your coaches advice.
Denise right? She has a very positive attitude.

Mostly Susana, Starkys signature advice is golden: do what works! You can do sth, but you HAVE to keep track of the results and stop if it's either hurting your detachment or the "R". It requires a certain detachment already to have the 'awareness' you need to track what's working and how. Understand?
Also telling him that you've been to a counselor and that you are learning to be more positive doesn't do anything either. I wouldn't tell him that. He has to notice!!!!

[Train]

So H is having a nice time. Snow, vacay and then BAM! Reminder of wife and relationship problems.

Calibri: spot-on.

[Train]

2x4 anyone?
Welllll, since you asked ...

When I saw you wrote this to H: Saw my counsellor today and I am learning a lot and working hard to be more positive. ... I literally cringed.

Fewer words. More actions.

You're supposed to be a light, breezy, mysterious girl who is happily GAL right now.

Instead, you just told H that while HE is out GAL, you're at home, trying to "be more positive" to make him - a WAYWARD H - happy.

Susana, he has fired you as his W. That's blunt, but it's true. Why would you want to let him know that you're pining away at home, working on these supposed "issues" of yours, while he's having a BLAST away from you? Follow his lead. Why aren't YOU out having a blast, too? You deserve it, and what better opportunity to go live it up a little than when H is away, living it up himself?

I know you don't feel as carefree as he does right now. But you have a golden opportunity right now to back off and take the pressure off of him - and give him a glimpse of what it would be like if he loses you. Instead, you showed him that while he's having a great time away from you, you are pining away at home, making changes to make him happy ... even though HE is the one who is abandoning your M and the vows you made before God to be together "until death do (you) part" (!!?!).

Do you see how absolutely backwards that is?

Calibri hit the nail on the head with this, too: Your text smacked of opening the floor up for a R talk. And that's a huge DB no-no. It just puts a mirror up to your problems, which H is currently *running from*. And the message REALLY came across as you "following H around like a lost puppy dog," especially while he's out GAL. And that's another huge no-no (see sandi's rules).

I know this seems so counter-intuitive, but the only thing that will re-attract your H right now is you taking care of you for YOU. Not for him. I know it's hard. I know it feels impossible. I've been there. But the only way through this is THROUGH it. And you MUST get your self-confidence back.

Less talk. More actions. Okay?

You can DO this.

[susana4]

Ok, 2x4s taken and duly noted. My DB coach had mentioned at one point I could lightly bring up in passing some things I was working on...she probably didn't mean in the light text on his vacation though. :S Action, not talking. Ok, I will. It's just hard for me because I'm a word person, so I feel like if I don't talk about my changes, they're not real. And after BD, I did a LOT of blaming and told H everything was his fault and he agreed, so I never acknowledged I'd done anything wrong or should change anything.

I need help now, because he replied first thing this morning:

Yes they are I have still run out of money though of course! I have had a little go at editing a video together, it is really hard and time consuming! That sounds really good counseling is good so far then?


Ignore the question about counseling and bring it back to GAL? Stop talking about myself at all? Validate his comment on editing? Ignore the text? Yeah...I still have a lot to learn!

[Zelda09]

Susana,

You're getting a lot of advice, some conflicting.
DB to me is about:

Healing the broken parts of ourselves so that we can be our best self.
Feeding our relationships in the places they need it.
Being strong, self-loving, self-respecting so that is exactly what we project.
Not playing games. Being true to ourselves, and accepting the other person where they are without anger or judgement.
Pursuit of the relationship says you're not listening to their reality.
Doing what is good for us first. Putting the oxygen mask on in that way.
Stop doing things that don't work.
Make the changes you need to - for yourself first, and demonstrate them.
Validating in the spirit of unconditional love.

All of that looks different for each and everyone of us. Our situations are similar, but no two people here have the same relationship. You know in your heart what made you and H tick, and what probably destroyed you guys.

In DR, I read the chapter about Carol and Dean almost daily, to see what strong DB looks like when things seem desperate. It helped me a lot.

For practical matters of texts, emails...keep it light, infrequent. Your mental health first!

Hugs. That door is open. Hang back a bit and keep thinking, working on you.

[Squiggy]

I want to reinforce what others mentioned about showing through actions. I am a word person as well. However, you need to remember that your H is not truly listening to you right now. He's admitted that he's done things wrong and is focusing on himself right now. You've done a good job so far doing the same, as your actions show in your GAL efforts, IC, and reflecting on what you can change. The thing you really need to ask yourself is whether or not the words you are using towards him are pursuit.

I truly understand how proud you are of the changes you've made. I want nothing more than my WAW to see that these are genuine, lifelong changes. I want to sit with her an explain all the things I've come to realize and began working on. I want to explain that I realize I'm a WIP, but it is a great WIP and can bring so much happiness to our future. Guess what happened when I did even a little bit of that. She pushed back and acted as though it was pursuit. Has your H done the same thing over time when you try to tell him? Ask yourself, as it mentions in DR, whether it draws them closer or pushes them farther away.

I am learning to be a fan of "actions speak louder than words." If you are truly internalizing these changes for yourself, which I do not doubt you are, then it will be SEEN through the way you carry yourself in even the littlest ways. My WAW has noticed, without a doubt, the changes in my R with S5; I didn't tell her about them. The way he and I interact with each other in front of her does not need words at all. Think on that.