The question I have on this subject is how do we accept the MLCer the way they are now?
Matt165, I could easily have written your comment. I feel EXACTLY as you do. The issue of acceptance is one I struggle with daily. It has infused every post in my own thread. I struggle to accept that I cannot control my W or stop her from making her own mistakes. I struggle to accept that the W I knew is dead and that the person I am married to is a total stranger. I remain so emotionally entangled in every single one of my Ws actions that I have been hugely unsuccessful at detaching. I look for reasons to be angry at her and I cannot shake the intrusive thought that her selfish actions are harming everyone around her. Even though I know the anger is toxic to me (anger is the poison you take hoping someone else will die), I cannot seem to accept her. I am plagued by fears that my acceptance will be viewed as condoning her actions.
I don't know how to accept my MLCer, but I now know why I need to accept her: Today, my very wise sister sent me an article on "Parental alienation syndrome", and it has opened my eyes. To quote wikipedia:
Quote:
"Parental alienation syndrome is...a disorder in which a child, on an ongoing basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors, including indoctrination by the other parent (almost exclusively as part of a child custody dispute) and the child's own attempts to denigrate the target parent"
A Montreal psychologist, Abe Worenklein, calls parental alienation a serious form of psychological/emotional abuse that can impact significantly on future relationships and on the child’s development, and that robs the child of his/her childhood:
Quote:
Worenklein explained that the themes of the alienating parent are the words and actions a parent uses to damage, and in some cases destroy, the child’s previously normal relationship with his or her other parent. Some of the themes include:
» Denying the existence of the other parent by never talking about him or her, destroying photos of the parent, changing the subject when the child mentions the parent, or not relaying the parent’s messages to the child.
» Putting the child in the middle by asking him or her to spy on the other parent, remove possessions or take important papers from the parent and child’s home.
» Attacking the parent’s career, interests, hobbies and family.
» Saying things like, “I just don’t know what’s wrong with your mother/father.”
» Threatening to withhold love or acceptance from child.
» Scaring the child into believing the other parent isn’t capable of taking care of him or her.
» Creating a new reality for the child that excludes his or her relationship with the other parent.
I am definitely guilty of a few of these myself (and we have not yet even discussed custody). As you can see, although our actions are meant to target our spouses, they are ultimately harmful to our children. It is painful to accept someone who is doing something dumb. Nevertheless, for the sake of our children, it seems like we have to. Perhaps, therein lies the answer to your last question on "on how to get past this": remind yourself that your inability to accept your MLCer is ultimately harmful to your children, then focus on the other side of the coin: that accepting the MLCer/WAS will be beneficial to your children who are, after all, the real innocent victims in all of this.
