Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

Sandi, a lot of what you said to me hurt my feelings, I needed that. Thank you. I need the cold hard truth to break through this force field of insecurity I have built. Only the most ugly truth seems to be getting through right now.

You are right, I will have terrible trouble following the script or advice because of my codependency.

When agreeing to move to the basement I was too scared to fight back and scared I would be kicked out. I did not want to live in the house we were selling. I expected my compliance to hopefully change her mind because I was listening to her wishes. This is pitiful.

I need to dig deep and accept the fact that I cannot fix things. This is hard and like you said I could not back off and not pursue because I am dependent on her loving me and I thought I new better. My stepping away from the boards for a while was a VERY big mistake.

You are correct about using the kids as an excuse to see her. I used to ask to stay at the house until they fell asleep when we were separated.

I need to get it through my think skull that dark distancing is the only thing I can do to save me.

You are correct about me being scared sh'tless about acting D'ed. I am basically a hurt and scared little boy right now. I have lost a lot of confidence and self esteem.

About 90% of my changes were at first motivated or pointed at making changes in me for the M/R. I did have some personal goals about not being emotionally invested in my job. I did not have any hobbies. My hobby became reading R books and the forum. I would spend about 4 to 6 hours a day doing this at the beginning. I can now see how sick my codependency is.

I do have difficulty in working on things for myself instead of for the M. In retrospect I would do good with GAL and then attract my W back and then go right back to how I had been before. I am just so caught up in her and the M that I lack to ability to keep going with what works.

When we were separated I did good with GAL. The times we were together I would wait for "permission" to get out of the house or wait for her to tell me to go do something. Wow I have been acting the Pwooped wimp. How would this ever attract someone.

I have learned things. What I haven't learned is how to NOT revert back to pressure and smothering. I am repeating the same mistakes. She has a life, I don't. My life is her life, and it is not healthy for anyone.

Sandi, thanks for all the 2x4s. I need bluntness and a big f'ing mirror with all the ugly truth shown to me. I don't learn subtle lessons.

Here are my immediate dark goals.

1 - Do not discuss the D with W, have L send response tomorrow and let them deal with it. Be brave and strong about what ever may happen from this action. I do not need her permission to send a response. I am scared she will get upset, I don't want to live in fear.

2 - She is at dinner. When she gets home I will not be around her. I will be drinking wine and relaxing by myself. I will have to do this in the basement because I am not strong enough to do this if we are around each other. If she is near I will be watching her or engaging in conversation with her.

3 - I need to have her seek me out if she wants to talk to me.

4 - I need to visualize how pathetic I look by being the super husband while she has filed for a D. I need these visualizations to hurt and make me feel sick to my stomach so I can remember and train myself not to act like this anymore.

5 - I need to stop force feeding her cake.