Seperated and she is with someone - I'm desperate

[vdubber]

Really struggling with all of this. I want her to answer questions for me as I don't understand what has happened that makes her not hwang to share or confide in me. What happened that made her lost trust in me, respect in me, and appreciation for me. What has made her feel she and I are not capable of working on these things together. I really feel she doesn't think she can ever trust me again and I'm not sure why. It's hard to go on not ever knowing any of this.

[vdubber]

sorta broke my NC rule this morning but only to text W to inform her that our S9 was not feeling well today so I kept him home from school. I debated but felt i should let her know, maybe this was wrong? as i have kids until Monday so he'd certainly be feeling better before then. idk. i kept it on point and just about him.

Still reading DB book but my motivation seems to be dwindling as I'm starting to feel there is no chance of her wanting a future together. I will still go through it as I know it's about getting me in a healthy place and I very much need to.

After work yesterday picked S9 and D7 up from daycare and my daughter was just finishing a valentines card. it was to both my W and I. I told her it was great and that she should give it to her mom later this week as she would like it. She said it's for both of you and Dad I wish you and Mom lived together. I just said don't worry about anything, we both love you very much...and we left and didn't talk about it any more.

It breaks my heart to not all be a family together every day. Nothing is more important to me than family and I will do my very best to always make my kids feel special and loved. I see my IC again tomorrow which is good as it's only been 5 days so far but feels like it's been longer.

[vdubber]

So W texted me a couple times today to check on S9 and I was brief but polite with my responses. She asked if she could stop by after work and a dr. appt to check on him. I said that would be fine, I would go get my daughter at that time from daycare so she could have a few minutes alone with him. She offered to stop and get D7 on the way over and I told her not to worry, I had it covered.

Is this me seen as trying to avoid her, thus somehow control/manipulate as she always seems to accuse me of no matter my course of action? The reality is after our argument Sunday I really have no desire to see her in person for some time, I am not ready for the anxiety and stress it causes me.

I don't want to seem childish or controlling by not being here when she comes to see S9 but I really am not ready to see her at this time. I didn't want to tell her she cannot see him as I understand her concern to make sure he's OK, but part of me wonders if I should have said no he's fine and I'll let you know if he doesn't seem to improve.

Idk...I didn't want to give her a reason to think I was using the kids to manipulate so I thought the best course of action was to inform her of him not feeling well, allow her to stop and see him, and step out for a bit so she can do so and we can avoid the tension.

Am I way off base here?...i can't seem to thing straight lately.

Oh and btw, S18 will be here with S9 while I'm gone so didn't want it to seem as if I was leaving him by himself.

[Wet]

Hi vdubber, you did fine. It is proper to communicate with your W about s9 being sick. Offering to pick up d7 was nice, and it had the added benefit of your avoiding spending time with W. If you are not ready to see W, then go ahead and avoid her.

It seems like you are having a tough time keeping your mind off of W. I realize that with as long of a time that you were together that you want answers (the dreaded "why" question). But you can't get answers right now. It is time to get the focus back on you, and get out there and GAL. Peace.

[vdubber]

Hi Wet...yes you are absolutely right I am having a tough time on that front.

So I realize i am my own worst enemy and need some major 2x4's swung my way.

Last night W texted to say she was running late. I said no problem, if it's too late don't worry about stopping by as S9 will be fine. Then after I get home with D7 as I thought it was safe since it was 8pm W shows up. She comes in for a few minutes we don't really talk. She says hi to kids checks on S9 and then leaves.

This morning like an idiot I text to her D7 made us VDAY card and she will give it to her tomorrow evening as W asked to have kids for 3 hrs tomorrow night for a friend's bday party. I then stupidly say I am sad we will not be spending VDAY together and I hope someday she can see me for who I am now....I know this is against everything I'm trying to do right now.
She tells move on as waiting is not an option. I tell her I understand that she has trouble seeing me without feeling whatever resentment she has from the past. But that I feel if she didn't know me and her BFF had introduced us that I feel she would be both physically and emotionally attracted to me and she would appreciate my kind heart.

She tells me she wants to be friends and see me often. She wants me to come even hang out at bar with her even if she has bf and bring my friends and gf if i have one at the time. I tell her I understand that may be how she feels but it certainly is not how I feel. That if I didn't love her or care for her maybe that would have been possible but that just isn't the case. She says she did love me and she does care and this is her way of moving on but does want to be friends. I end by saying I am just so confused and there is so much I don't understand.

How does one go from loving someone for a quarter century to let's hang out with our new bf and gf?

This is apparently where her morals and values are now and I'm guessing is in line with the lives all her new friends have been leading for years.

Where to go from here? I brought this upon myself by texting her and ruining my NC progress. It seems contact or NC she doesn't care and I'm just a old rotated out bf in her mind.

Is there any hope for my situation....really?

[Sotto]

Hi Vdubber

I think the best hope is to learn - really learn - from the stuff you're doing and the mistakes you're making. In your thread you're saying - I did this really stupid thing - and now I feel bad. Well, there's an easy answer to this, next time, don't do the stupid thing, and focus on doing things which make you feel better.

Your W doesn't want stuff like this from your right now. She has checked out of your M and any stuff like this is just pressure she doesn't need. So she responds with 'absolutes' to you. The best thing you can do is stop being your own worst enemy and start doing what works...

[vdubber]

Thanks Toots. That is what I needed to hear. I've been struggling so much with feeling she is so absolute that nothing could ever change. I really need to move on with me and learn to give up W. Maybe it will get easier after V Day as this week has been bad for me emotionally. I have a hard time hearing about how she wants me to find someone and we can all be friends...this thought process is hurtful and beyond rational.

I see my IC again this afternoon and that usually gets me back on track for a bit. I'm not doing well enough on GAL so need to hit that hard next week when I don't have the little ones. I am not sure how long I wait before I move forward with D. I don't want it and feel she thinks we already are so can stay this way forever.

[Wet]

vdubber, how can your W respect you if she is in an affair and you are still her friend? I know this is tough, and she probably was your best friend, but for your sanity you have to stop talking to her about your relationship, detach, pull back and no longer be her friend.

One recommendation I have for you is to read anything that is posted here by sandi2. She is a goldmine for guys like us, who have WAWs.

I hope your IC session is helpful. Keep up the good work in seeing your counselor. Having your friends around you right now is also important.

[vdubber]

Thank you Wet. Yes Sandi has given me very good insight on my WAW. I really must stop thinking about her and only focus on me. I keep reading too much into it and then feel hopeless that everything WAW says is an absolute. Heading into IC right now thankfully. I could really use a drink about now!!!

[Karma12]

Just keep your phone locked up if you have a drink. Nothing worst than drunk texting! It all sounds like a great idea until the next day. Lol

Keep up with the GAL it's the only way to help you detach. Keeping busy helps keep your mind from drifting back to your W.