"One thing for certain, I'm not very good and sympathizing or being empathetic,"
And what else have you been doing to change this?
Sorry I missed this. I am just trying to shut my mouth and pay attention. I know I use to cut her off and offer solutions so just not doing that I think is good for now.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I've realized that I can have control over the Anger and how I choose to express it. I can recognize when I begin to feel angry and do a few things; first breathe and calm down, say nothing and try to understand what is happening or being said that is causing me to get upset. Or I can walk away froma situation or leave entirely.
Last night was tough, we were talking about our oldest son. He got in trouble at school. He has been in trouble all school year couple times per week mainly for angry outbursts. We started talking and said she wanted to get him a new counselor. She said she doesn't think the current one is helping.
I asked her if she wanted to find a Psychiatrist or a psychologist and she said she'd look I to it. I told her that I think his behavior is learned from us yelling and screaming and from what's going on in the house. She said he'll get better in time. I asked her how was that going to happen when she wants a divorce? She said "I don't know, I don't know what any of this is going to be."
She got upset and started crying. I didn't say anything and let her be. I asked her if she had thought about how he will react to a divorce? She said he'll be hurt at first but he'll get better with time. I listened. She then said I just hope to get something out of the house and walk away with some cash, I asked her if she new how much debt we had, she said no. I asked her if she knew what the house was worth and she said no. I told her that walking away with cash was most likely impossible as far as I can tell. But then she went on talking about how she would get an apartment and the kids could share a room and then she lost it, all the while I sat listening. She was crying going on about where will he go to school and various other things she became very upset I told her I was sorry she was upset and that she didn't need to talk about this stuff now but that I did need to know her plans at some point but not now. She continued crying and got very upset and said she was too going to bed.
I have no idea why she went down that road. It was interesting to say the least. im not sure what to make of her saying these things and seeing her get so upset was hard, it seems that if she had her mind made up allready that she would have begun making plans of some kind but she just had generalities of what her future would look like and I think she didn't like it. Last night was two weeks since the bomb how should I interret this? No plans, no attorney visit, nothing but going out and getting drunk and working late every day.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Sorry I missed this. I am just trying to shut my mouth and pay attention. I know I use to cut her off and offer solutions so just not doing that I think is good for now.
Yes, just keeping your mouth shut can be a big step. I may have already said this, but women want to talk out their stress. They are not expecting the H to give solutions. In fact, it makes some women angry when the H jumps into the conversation and tells her how to fix what's wrong......and then he's done and goes on. That is frustrating for her. She just wants you to hear her out, without telling her what to do. Unless she specifically ask for your opinion or help.
I think your W may be looking for an escape. It sounds as if she was overwhelmed with a little reality that it was not going to be as easy to walk away and get an apartment as she thought.
She will have times like this where she seems torn.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, just keeping your mouth shut can be a big step. I may have already said this, but women want to talk out their stress. They are not expecting the H to give solutions. In fact, it makes some women angry when the H jumps into the conversation and tells her how to fix what's wrong......and then he's done and goes on. That is frustrating for her. She just wants you to hear her out, without telling her what to do. Unless she specifically ask for your opinion or help.
I think your W may be looking for an escape. It sounds as if she was overwhelmed with a little reality that it was not going to be as easy to walk away and get an apartment as she thought.
She will have times like this where she seems torn.
Trust me shutting my mouth is a huge step, lol. I'm pretty sure that if I had said anything she would have turned it around on me. Normally, I'd have lost my temper for one reason or another and said something mean or rude, but I'm fairly proud of myself for not even getting remotely upset, though my brain was going 1,000,000mph. I was cool and calm. Escape? hmmm... I think she does want to escape but she hasn't even given the how and why any consideration. But this is Typical W. She is not a person of action when it comes down to it. If she thinks, I'm going to push this process she is mistaken. I am not doing a thing to help her plan for this. I am putting all of this on her.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Still trying to make sense of last night. Cleaned the house(medium size 180 for me) W home late surprised at clean house(we had txt about her having a bad day I thought I'd do something nice indirectly), dinner made Taco Tuesday!, kids bathed, all is good. Start talking after we put kids to bed about son, trouble at school again. She takes conversation to R talk. An entire range of emotions and discussion. W says "I need space and time", "I'm not leaving kids", "I need to find myself", "I lost myself", "ILYBNILWY", "I found out difference between D and S"( She has said she might want S instead of D, I asked her if she knew the difference she did not until she looked it up, "can we split weekends where I leave then you leave?"(we are in same house, she is in spare BR, I told her previously and again that if she wants to leave that's up to her). I really think she's so confused and has no idea what she wants.I question if she's having a MLC?? She just knows she's not happy with me or where her life is right now for some reason(I know why she's mad at me). I guess that's the best it's going to be for right now. So confused, hurt, angry, and just floating through this pain.
In the mean time, I am continuing to work on me, GAL'ng(going out Friday night, friends Bday), running, making goals and plans no matter what. And doing everything I can to be cool, calm and loving to my kids. My son, ugggg... he has to know something is up, he's acting out, getting in trouble. Last night, after she came home he was happy to have made her happy by cleaning the house, he asked for a group hug, and said "when are we going to get a family picture?" I almost lost it, got choked up but kept it cool. She just grinned at me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
