Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[sandi2]

While the others are discussing legal stuff with you, I am going to reply to some things you've said since I posted to you last. I hope you won't be too distracted with everything else that's going on.

Again, not going to lie, I need a script or description of how I should interact with W after letting go.

I am scared I am so emotionally invested in not letting go that I will revert back to old tendencies.

I need some tips or ideas because right now I am feeling emotionally flooded and having a hard time coming up with ideas.

I really don't think you will follow it. You are not wanting to do this, so you won't stick to it. You are wanting to know how to interact "after" you let go. You have to let go "first" and you don't want to do it.

All you have to do is to stop acting like you are her H. Don't act like her BFF. Get away from her and stay away. Even if you have to get someone else to run interference. You are among the most co-dependent people I have seen here. Emotionally invested? I'll say! You act as if you cannot survive a single day without her. That is not a healthy MR. You smother her to death. You try to control her, and the outcome of the stitch......b/c of your own insecurities. Man this is not attractive, I don't care if you look like George or Brad. No woman, in her right mind, is going to want a man who [censored] up all the air around her. You are so desparate that you stooped to living in the basement of your home. And your kids see this! That is pitiful. What were you expecting out of this kind of behavior?

Let's look at what you said were your changes:

I have made numerous changes over the last year. Most of it were actionable items like helping around the house, planning dates, planning trips, making quality time, improved listening skills, developing empathy, listening to her ideas and wants more (still need improvement here). She has acknowledged my improvements when she felt positive about our R.

Every single one of these "changes" had a connection with her. How did you change that was independent of her? All of these things were you trying to win her back. In order to let go, you have to stop trying to win her back.

You know, Gogofo, most of us have tried to tell you to back off. When you thought you were in piecing, I told you that your pressuring her would push her further away. But you continued to do the same pursuing and controlling. Now she has filed and you still can't let go? I don't see that as some great, profound love. I see that as possession.

So, stop trying to "fix" the MR. You can't. Accept that fact. You just can't do it.

Stop doing the housework. Stop cooking. Stop catering to her. Stop supporting her. Stop rescuing her. Stop hanging out with her. Let her run her own life without your input.

You think "healthy" distancing might help her reconsider? It won't. First of all, you don't know what healthy distancing is. You aren't able to do it. You would use the kids as your excuse to contact her all the time. Try going dark distancing. That is your only hope.

The reason I haven't gone the acting D route is I feel I would be doing it out of wanting to punish the W or teach her a lesson. I know she would smell this a mile away as the action wouldn't be genuine.

Oh pleae! The reason you haven't gone that route is b/c you are scared sh'tless. Let's be honest here.

I

have made changes for me. I have restructured my work so it is not a large source of stress and time hog. I now do not let my work success dictate my happiness in my personal life, this was a big step for me. I have been working planning things out and being more proactive instead of reactive in my life. Trying to be more of a leader than a follower. My W would get frustrated waiting for me to make a decision or to do something, while at the same time I was waiting for her.

So let me ask this, how much of this was done in an attempt to save your M? I am not saying those were not good choices. I am saying that I still don't see what you have done independtly from trying to win your W back. The changes you make for yourself should be simply to improve yourself as a man.........regardless of your marital status. It is one thing to make changes for yourself and another to make changes in the MR. I just wonder if you have identified or separated the two.

I am not saying that everything you've done has been wrong. However, you went way too far in trying to be the H you thought it would take in order to win her back. How often would you get out of the house and leave her and the kids there alone? What did you do to GAL? What social activities were you involved in without your W? Ever do volunteer work? Hobbies?

Well, I suppose you gave that answer here:

I still need to work on GAL activities. I did great when we were apart. The physical separation allows me to plan things on days when I know I am going to be alone. When we are together I start to make excuses about GAL. I don't think I have the time because W would have to watch kids and she is busy with her job and doctoral classes, etc. I have the thought that "why is my time more important than her's?" I then stop to GAL as much, or at all, and focus on the M. Then the W feels swamped and overwhelmed and pressured.

Her view or opinion on this dance is that she said "I do so good when we are apart. Then we get back together and I stop doing things for myself. I stop seeing my friends or going out to have fun." I suggested an in-house separation and she told me "it would never work because I cannot leave her alone." She is correct about this.

so have you learned anything? Are you repeating the same mistakes?

It isn't about your love not being enough. It isn't about being the end or giving up hope. I think you are so unhealthy with her that you need to get away from her in order to get better. Seriously! You need to break emotionally and physically from her until you regain confidence and independence from this R. You will NEVER be able to let her go as long as you live under the same roof, or even have steady contact. You need to have space and time away with NC. Trust me, you can work things out about the kids without talking to each other. I have seen it done. You will get healthy enough that you can slowly incorporate a little contact.

You are killing any chance you have. Divorce is not always the end.