This sounds awful. I am praying & hoping for the best Zues.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
The cops just woke her up. She was passed out at home. I'm bringing my daughter home and will regroup and resume my life. I'll post more later.
Thank you all for being part of my family. I can't tell you how hard this has been, living with the uncertainty of whether or not my kids will have their mom. Again, I'll talk more later. But your prayers couldn't have hurt, and thank you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues - sorry to wake up (my time) to this news but relieved the outcome was not what you feared. I think you did the right thing calling MIL, sis and police. What do you plan to do from here? I imagine this would be a nightmare for a father of three.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Zues, I'm so glad it turned out not to be the worst. And I know that having it turn out like it did carries its own set of issues. Still thinking of you.
Thank you all again for the support today. It was strange. Nothing really happened...someone "overslept". Yet it was quite a traumatic experience. I'm glad it worked out.
Through this I had a few moments of clarity. At the surface it was the standard pain and loss. It stinks that I'm tied to someone making these choices and inflicting this pain on me and my family. And even when I walk away, I always have to keep an eye on her to make sure my kids are safe. It still hurts when I imagine what she thinks about me, or how she has given herself to another man. It hurts that my sister is friends with her and that others seem to endorse and enable very destructive decisions like alcoholism and adultery.
But that pain has been more dull lately, and though it was stirred up today I also had the clarity to see through that. I realized again what it really means to stand by a marriage.
See- she's my wife. She can leave me, she can find another man, she can treat me horribly, and she can make destructive decisions, but that doesn't change the fact that she and I are family. And family doesn't give up on family.
Now, that doesn't mean that I am pining for her. It doesn't mean I would trust getting close to her again. It doesn't mean we could necessarily work out an M together even if she wanted it. But that's not the point. The point is I care for her and hope she's ok.
The other point is that NO ONE is perfect. First we start on DB forums and are hard on ourselves in an attempt to change to steer our spouses back to us. When that fails we get angry, and then we get angrier when we see how our spouses have treated us post BD. THEN we go back and rewrite our own history of how unhappy we were in the M too, and how we're probably better off without that person.
Hogwash. Listen...my M was bad, I was nearly a WAH, and I was unhappy in the M. My W did and does have serious problems. But you don't walk away from a marriage. And we don't deserve better. We are here to work it out with the partner god gave us.
Granted, I have boundaries, I won't recommit to being with someone that is actively a raging alcoholic, or someone that I can't trust to remain faithful. But even though she has problems and has been destructive, that doesn't mean I wouldn't have tried to make it work. I've heard so many people talk about how they wouldn't take their ex back and how they deserve someone that will treat them better anyway. But the next person will be human too, they will have their own failings, it will be how you work through it together. This is what we want to tell our WAS's, this is what we have to believe.
So I am standing by my M. Even though I don't believe it will ever come to anything. Even though there is so much betrayal and pain that I can't even picture a healthy R. Even though we couldn't make it work before and now we've got broken pieces and momentum against us. Even though I'd be frustrated and dissatisfied with important aspects of the M should it miraculously have a 2nd chance. Still, I'd make it work because that's what we're here to do and sometimes you have to grow up and do what you're supposed to even when it's not fun or perfectly fair and fulfilling.
Again, I don't believe this will come up. I do believe it is over. But what do I know? And what difference does it make? I am not dating anyone else, I need to work on myself, I need to take care of my kids, I can handle pain. I don't need to make her a villain and burn a bridge for closure. No, I'm not even excited about the idea of having to work through issues with her should it come to that, but it doesn't matter. My job as her husband and her family is to find a way should a reasonable opportunity present itself. So while I'm not holding my breath, or even sabotaging my grieving process or my own life by hoping she comes out of a fog, I can see that M is bigger than dealing with a year or two of hell.
So for the rest of you all I can say this (as Cadet always does): Detach and accept it's over, take care of yourself and grow, don't do anything irreversible, and finally, don't become a WAS in your own mind to feel in control or to rush through the grieving process. It only hurts because it's important to you. You can either destroy something important or you can suffer and give something that's truly important a chance. Stand by your M and live the way everyone should. You never know what might be possible. Miracles happen if we let them.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
