Toots is moving forwards..

[Sotto]

Thanks V. Yes, I hadn't thought of H as a vanisher. In our sitch, he has always been willing to speak if I asked. It was once I stopped asking that the contact stopped. I suppose I have contributed to the sitch by vanishing myself too!

A busy day for Toots - on the road by 8am - full day with clients, early dinner and home by 8.30. Day went well though. Heard back from the lady about the possible interim work. She has sent me an application form to fill in - I'll do that this week.

Volunteering at the bookstore in the morning, and signing my amended will in the pm...

[Ontheup]

Hey toots

You seem to be doing really well. Especially with detachment. Moving along keeping busy and getting on with your life

[edz]

Hiya toots

Thanks for popping by my thread. Sounds like things are working well on the whole. Liked the idea of the wine and putting your feet up. Add music and a bath that was my evening

Take it easy

Edz

[Vanilla]

Well done Toots.

I find busy full days create a tired mind and less rumination.

V

[Sotto]

I'm reading Men in Midlife Crisis by Conway at the moment. Reading helped me a lot in the early days after BD. But for some reason I haven't read anything 'self help' for a few months. I have a list of books - mostly mentioned on the forum I want to have a look at. I think His Needs, Her Needs will be next.

The Conway book is interesting, and it helps me to think of H more lovingly. I have become more detached as time goes on. But that hasn't always been a loving detachment.

H & I haven't been in touch for a few weeks. Not even by text. But I may do what I did at Xmas and send him and SS a 'light' Valentines text jointly. For us, as SS was often with us at Valentines, it was more of a family 'feel the love' day. At Xmas, I got a response from them both - then a present, card and HNY text from H - so I think it did more good than harm.

Any thoughts on doing this? I feel that to do nothing would be a bit churlish but I don't want to pursue inappropriately when he may still be in an A ( I have no idea of the status ATM.)

[Ggrass]

There's a fair bit unknown. Mine was contacting in the beginning, then I found out ow was long term.

For me I wasn't even remotely capable of being his bestie, which is what he wanted.
I quote. "I'm sorry but we will have our life doing xyz and friendship and you will just have to get used me having ow's and gf" mmmmmm nope.

When I know I'd been played for s suck, nc. Not sure the done status.
There were too. Many lies, which still keep coming.

[jim0987]

Valentines is one of those tricky ones (I've never done anything for valentines so doing something would be a massive 180 which makes it tempting)

with birthdays and christmas and the like you can send greetings etc. as 'friends' so not too much pursuit. I struggle to see how anything valentines related would not be seen as pursuit.

the potential for OW makes a big difference as well, how would he see it if he is in a relationship?

On the other no contact for a few weeks makes me think of the discussion on Ganb8te's thread.

I'm going to resort to the classic that has helped me a lot in the last few months.

Why is it you want to send something?

[Sotto]

Thanks GG and Jim. Yes, maybe best not to send anything. It is H's birthday later this month - so it may be best to ignore Valentines, but send a birthday card or text....more neutral and less risk of being seen as pursuit.

[twinmom]

Toots I would send a package to ss but have it delivered to H's house.... candy/card/small gift showing him you love him. This also shows H you value your relationship with ss with or without H in the picture and it also 1.) Reminds H you're an awesome person
2.) Makes ss feel special and loved
3.) Opens the door for H to contact you to say "thanks for thinking of ss" without the direct pursuit of traditional Valentine's day towards H.

[4mendmj]

I love that idea twinmom! Great advice!