So I'm spending so much of my time in prayer, meditation, and reading, reading, reading!... And as a result, I think I'm starting to realize something...
First point: Yesterday in a conversation with my MIL she said "You've been given this time to focus on you and to work through what you need to work through... continue to give W and your marriage to God to work on..." And I stopped her and said "Are you reading the same forums that I'm reading right now? You have quoted nearly identically from some of the things I am reading!" We had a good laugh about that...
Second point: I've been so stressed out about this job situation and constantly trying to figure out why God is keeping me in this sitch (stich meaning: having to live at home with MLCer W who seems to hate me right now) instead of allowing me to find a suitable job that will allow me to support myself and move out... And then, as I was doing some of my reading this morning -- specifically about the LBS journey, time, self-focus, growth, and trusting God, etc. -- It dawned on me: God is giving me this time to do all of this reading and reflection so I can grow... I have a LOT of free time right now (working part-time from home) and I am using it to meditate, pray, read, go to IC, do things for myself, go to breakfast and lunch with friends, etc. -- to basically GAL, 180, and work on having a PMA while I embark on my own journey/growth process. I know I am only at the beginning of my journey/growth process -- but if I were to go back into a full-time work sitch right now I would not have this time to absorb so much reading material, to spend quiet time with myself, to journal, to spend time in communion with God, and to begin to understand how and where I need to grow and mature in my understanding of life, love, commitment, forgiveness, parenting, partnering, etc.
Feel like I had a small breakthrough this morning in my understanding...
Now time to head out to get a haircut (something else good for myself) and then back home to get some work done this afternoon.
Working on my masterpiece... :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Yes -- doing very well today... Feel like I've made some big breakthroughs in my thinking... Just wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me all of the time...
Feel like nothing could phase me right now and that I could move mountains... Definitely some strong PMA going on right now :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Yes -- doing very well today... Feel like I've made some big breakthroughs in my thinking... Just wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me all of the time...
Feel like nothing could phase me right now and that I could move mountains... Definitely some strong PMA going on right now :-)
Enjoy this ride, Jer! A wonderful feeling, isn't it?
Just like the lows ... they come and go .. not as intense and do not last as long .. I think the trick to to find that smooth spot between the two with limited ups and downs ... though I have yet to find that sweet spot last for very long ...lol
I think the trick to to find that smooth spot between the two with limited ups and downs ... though I have yet to find that sweet spot last for very long ...lol
Exactly!
You want a level trip. You don't want to get too excited about something because inevitably it usually leads to a stomach dropping low. If you can control your disappointment AND your excitment...this becomes so much easier to do.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Yes -- definitely agree that I want a level trip... But also enjoying this feeling as I have it... and it's still going strong this evening because I am feeling strong and very confident about my ability to continue on a very successful individual journey of change and growth...
W came home to pick up S7 for football practice... She was in a really good mood and was very friendly towards me -- I could almost see glimpses of old W in her eyes... And then, just before she left the house she noticed my new haircut and seemed surprised... almost pleasantly surprised (but maybe that's wishful thinking on my part)... And told the girls to tell me that it looks great... (Not that she thinks it looks great, but as a way to instruct the girls to compliment me on my hair)... But not to worry -- I'm not being fooled by the behavior... I'm not stupid enough to think that she's had a complete change of heart while she was away at work today -- she was in monster mode this morning so I'm just assuming she's in a good mood for other reasons not related to me. But it was still nice to see glimpses of "her" this evening -- at the very least it makes things a bit less tense and stressful around here.
Planning to have a good evening to myself -- finishing up some grading now (or as soon as I finish this update) then going to settle in for some reading, reflection, maybe watch American Idol, and then some prayer time before bed. Hoping to awake strong and peaceful tomorrow! :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
So I'm still doing pretty well... I seem to be levelling off a bit... have had a few down moments, but nothing as far down as some of my low moments last week... And have been able to get back to more of a PMA for the most part every day since my last update.
Had another interesting spiritual moment this morning... I'm still trying to meditate and haven't felt very successful at it. This morning, as I started, I tried something new and thought of the first word that came to mind about why I am trying to meditate: Peace. I want to feel peaceful regardless of the chaos around me... So I started repeating the word "peace" in my head and for the first time I started to feel myself slipping into a deeper state of relaxation. It was GREAT!... But it gets better...
My morning meditation/prayer routine is something like this:
Meditate (10 -12 minutes, slowly trying to eventually get up to 30 minutes) Read page from my Jesus Calling daily devotional Say morning prayers
So today, when I finished meditating -- which was 15 minutes today (yay!) -- I picked up the devotional and the very first words on the page for today's reading were "Peace be with you!" I got chills when I read it and as I continued reading... truly amazing... At this point in my process I am feeling very connected to God in a way that I have never felt in my entire adult life. So yeah, I stopped reading, looked up and said "Okay -- I hear you!" It was just such a clear message to me that He is with me through all of this. Truly amazing moment.
W is still being somewhat nice this week... Not sure why... OW is still in the picture, but W does seem to be sleeping more at night, so maybe their communication is slowing down a bit? Not sure -- but fairly certain that neither one has called an end to the A... Maybe W is just feeling more comfortable around me now that she's been a teeny tiny bit honest about OW, the A, and the trip? Who knows...
I am feeling a bit more successful with my parenting... Feeling less stressed out and better able to give the kids more stability, routine, and love in most moments... not perfect, but doing better than I was.
That's all for now...
Hope you all have a good weekend!
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
