Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

Susana,

Some might disagree with what I will say,

Well you'll be happy to hear my DB coach basically just said the same thing as you.

but my regret was that I entered LRT of no pursuit a bit too early before the 180s and Michelle earlier chapters. The door was not firmly closed on my M (it got slammed when I asked him to just consider re-commit to it though.) Before I pushed that, we were in a space-gives-us-a-chance place that We gradually got to return to when I backed off the topic - he didn't want to return to our M the way it had been. I had a chance to demonstrate some of what he needed changed about us without the pressure of commitment. I pursued those parts without pursuing the relationship.

Despite the purgatory of S, he was still enjoying parts of our contact. You went geocaching- if the door was slammed IMHO he wouldn't have wanted to join you.

The self you describe he fell in love with sounds different than the depressed one you told us about. Being on the other end of that...my depressed spouse left me drained and hopeless and resenting the one directional flow of support. I just knew I couldn't live like that anymore and it came out in unsympathetic tirades.

Yeah, I can really see that now, looking back. He must have been so drained. He was really supportive but I can see how he must have bottled it up. Thing is he claims it has nothing to do with him wanting out of the M. Not sure whether to believe him or not.

What if you keep your GAL, give him space as you have been and keep R talks to 0...but...what if you were to pursue (lightly) feeding your R the places it was starving where it used to be healthy? Like the geocaching. Just enjoy each other when there is an opportunity.

This is what my BD coach also suggested.:) Just need to balance the space and the activity.

For my birthday he gave me tickets to a comedy night so we'll be going to that Wednesday (we did this whole awkward dance of "well you don't have to invite me" "oh no, that's ok, do you want to come" "well yes I'd like to see the comedian but you can take someone else if you prefer"). I think I will casually suggest grabbing dinner beforehand.

I actually found an activity the other day that I think he would love, apparently there oldest maze in the world is in our city. The only thing is it would be like a half day or full day activity as we'd have to travel to get there so might be a bit too much.

I might be overthinking here but I worry because of his people-pleasing habits if I invite him to something, he will just say yes (did you worry about that with your H?). After BD when I was still in "fix it" mode, I told him that I would help him become himself and work with him to overcome the fear of people pleasing by asking if he really wanted something like "are you sure you want to do X?" He told me that it didn't matter, he would say yes if he thought I wanted him to, that's what he does with everyone.

What (other than your own identified issues) do you think he wants to see changed? He said he didn't feel like himself...what else?

*Less arguing (or no arguing) - he hates arguing and says we argued too much and it would ruin perfectly good days. I've been working to a goal of no arguing (we did have one when I was drunk), but my BD coach says next time we can work on how to successfully resolve a conflict since they will arise, which I think would be hugely beneficial.

*Spend less time together, do more things independently

*With him not feeling like himself he specifically broke it down to: not spending enough time with his friends and family, not riding his bike, not playing GTA, not going spontaneously for drinks with friends any more

*Me not being happy if he came home late - he said I'd greet him at the door with a frown (true). We'd also argue over him not being able to give me an estimate of when he'd be home when he met friends, or being wildly off on his time estimate.


I've made an effort to be upbeat when he gets home and not start/give in to any arguments. I don't really know how to make him feel more like himself. I've been trying to validate in the thought that that might make him feel more comfortable/accepted in himself.

We've definitely been doing a lot more independently and I've been trying to give him lots of space. But then that makes me feel like we're just getting more and more distant. *sigh* I just looked at his calendar (accidentally, I didn't realise I still had his calendar synced up with mine) and saw he's got weekends away every weekend for the next month apart from this one! See now that makes me feel like he's avoiding me. Ok, that's probably mindreading and I should stop!

You still have that great smile. Use it!
Thanks I will!