I'm unsure what to do because they are colleagues etc. Clear and unequivocal would be like "I don't want you talking to or seeing the OM again." Is this what DB/DR recommends for confronting spouses about affairs?
No. It's wishy/washy ("I don't want you to ...") and yet also controlling at the same time. Not the combination you're looking for.
Boundaries are about OURSELVES, what WE will tolerate and what we won't. Ultimatums are about controlling OTHERS.
An ultimatum is "You cannot see OM, or I will divorce you." (and a wishy-washy version of that is "I don't want you to see OM, or I will divorce you.")
A boundary is "Look, you're a grown woman -- you can do what you want. I'm just telling you that *I* will not live in an open marriage, and I won't remain in one where my wife is having an affair with another man. It sounds like we both have some decisions to make."
