to be honest im not comfortable leaving but I don't know what else I can do. My wife will leave if I stay.
Although affair only exposed a month ago BD was 6 months ago when she basically said "we're done". For my own sanity im struggling to continue with this situation
Just found this advice over at MB who general stance is do not leave marital home
Since most men I've counseled are more emotionally and physically resilient than women to the extreme stress that being the victim of an affair creates, I encourage men to fight for their marriage much longer than I would encourage women. What that means is that they are to try to remain in Plan A as long as possible, avoiding Love Busters, and doing what they can to meet her emotional needs. They do that while still living together.
If the husband gets to a point where he cannot take the stress any longer, and must go into plan B, I encourage him to leave the home rather than kicking her out. This strategy is designed to demonstrate his care for her even under the adverse conditions of her betrayal. Since most affairs die a natural death soon after exposure, when she decides to give her marriage a chance to succeed, she remembers his thoughtfulness at a time that he could have been vengeful.
Granted, everything in a husband would encourage him to do the opposite. He wants to punish her for what she did, and let her stew in her own juices. But upon returning, which commonly happens even when a husband acts with vengeance (affairs almost always die a natural death even when the husband acts like a jerk), she will remember the vengeful acts far into the future, making a full recovery much more difficult.
When an unfaithful wife tells a husband to leave, I encourage him to stay as long as he can tolerate the stress. If she decides to leave on her own, I encourage him to let her go. The issue at hand is about kicking her out versus not kicking her out and I strongly recommend not kicking her out.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
DEFINITELY do that before you leave! In some instances and jurisdictions, leaving the marital home can be seen as "abandonment," and there can be serious consequences to that. Could be a big warning to you (not to leave), and also might be some opportunity/leverage for you (if wife does).
How is it that you haven't even seen an attorney yet???
Jesus Im so confused today. Read loads of stuff on here and loads over at MB site. One minute im thinking I want to fight for this marriage next I think i don't. Im seeing a MC on sunday. Alone. I haven't told the wife. See if she can hep me with what what's going on
There seems to be a bit of an us and them situation between DB and MB sites Read a forum today which got preety nasty and heated including commenst from Mr Bond. You were also on there starsky
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
They're two very different approaches, as you've seen. While I think you can pick up bits and pieces from each, I do think that you have to decide pretty much which fork in the affair-busting road you're going to take, since they ARE so different. It's only going to confuse you if you keep going back and forth.
I have a ton of respect for the Harleys, and their teachings -- they, along with MWD and a few others -- helped save my marriage. Their forum and some of its leaders . . . ehhh, not so much. LOL
I hadn't really looked much at that site till today. Only to find out about the dynamics of an affair. But then going on there they seem to have a much tougher stance. I mean serious detective work going on, name and shame to everyone get D papers drawn up and really house becomes a war zone as no one is budging. They sort of shame the WAS. which i can see would work but would they not just resent you forever? smooth path back if possible and all that? Even Dr Harley says affairs die a natural death. the bit that interested me was the exposure. Trying to be rational now my stance may be " i am not prepared to lie any longer about your affair or mine for that matter if anyone asks." I don't mean im going to email the world about it as per MB but on same hand im not going to continue to lie and say it is a mutual separation. Not to shame her but because the truth eventually comes out and i don't want to be party to the lie. What do i have to gain by lying? Nothing? As far as me moving out for my own health which has been very poor of late considering im usually very fit which i put down to stress I think it may be my only option. What else is there. Stay in this house and continue to feel like Sh1t. I physically have the shakes all the time now. Then wife will move out and it just causes even more upset for D8. I don't even know what i want i change my mind a hundred times a day and i don't think i will till we're separated. Some distance between us. The risk is she continues her affair. But that will continue if i stay or if she moves out so what difference does it make. Dr Harley again advocates that last resort is man moving out so as to cause as little upset as possible to children but them some on there are literally flinging their wives out the door.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
I am wondering if you could help out here and pull out some really wise words from 25yearsmlc about exposure along with mixing up MB and DB techniques. I tried to look back in HP's previous threads as I thought we had this very discussion in his threads about this very topic.
If you are able to locate these posts by 25, Cadet, can you please post them here for Onetheup?
Trying to be rational now my stance may be "i am not prepared to lie any longer about your affair or mine for that matter if anyone asks."
Grand pronouncement. Not a fan. Whatever you're going to do, just do -- don't talk about it. Don't go looking for trouble, but the next time someone you care about asks you a direct question, answer them honestly. Then when you get the inevitable blowback from your wife, you say "I simply decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair," and leave it at that.
Strong men lead with ACTIONS, not with grand pronouncements, which only come across as tactics and holier-than-thou.
