Maybell XXIX

[Maybell]

First off, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who replied. I had nine people's thoughtful posts to consider so I took the time to digest as well as I could before I started responding. I so appreciate your interest and insight.

It's interesting to me how bent out of shape I was about this yesterday. I solved the water heater problem in a way that made me look pretty good to my boss and still got me hot water so that worked out. I am actually enjoying the kids and selfishly like having them almost all the time. I would very much like to be able to do things in between but their schedules are moving targets too, and they've objected to losing me in the evenings because my going back to work has been a big adjustment for them.

But I feel badly about that. They no longer say they're sad or that they miss him. They don't ask to call him or give me any openings for offering for them to call him. They've told me they miss me more when they're with him for a weekend than they miss him when they're away from him for 12 days. They don't ask to call him. S9 doesn't answer his texts and D11 isn't sharing anything of substance with him (mostly she asks him to buy her apps). S7 just sends emoticons. They're doing great -- behavior, grades, demeanor, etc., all improved since he's been gone (and I got my head around it). But all these rainbows and unicorns can't come without a long-term price. The problem is, STBX doesn't think long-term; he's never had a job longer than three years. He told me at our divorce conversation that he can see staying where he is now for as long as 3-4 years more, which doesn't even get D11 to driving age before he moves away for a job. Trying to get him to understand that his children need him when all the outward indications are that they are thriving with this level of attention from him is pretty much a non-starter. Mozza, he acts like your WAW when he has them, which is even more infuriating given how little he has them.

So it's not just him causing the problem. Some of it is me. There are parts of it that work for me. I just think in this, it would be better if it didn't go that way.

Underdog, the custody thing will most likely go exactly as it currently stands. I discussed it with my L and he already has a plan for making sure the kids and I are provided for in a way that accounts for that.

Labug, you said I tend to let him off the hook and then get frustrated and you are exactly right.

Yesterday: I sent my text as shown above. He answered with a long one about how he has a huge project going on that makes him unavailable. Then says he'd do more to help around the house if I told him what I need. Except that I had -- and he said no. And he drops the kids off on Sunday nights and has never once taken the trash to the curb for me, or ANYTHING small like that. I must make the effort of telling him what I want so he can say no. I pointed that out and objected, told him he was capable of being proactive about caring for the kids at least and he repeats that work has been tough and "it's temporary not permanent." I refrained from saying, "it's been continuously temporary for ten years!" though maybe that would have been more effective and appropriate.

Then he said "I understand you are frustrated and I don't want to fight about it. I'm sorry. I really am."

"I dont' want to fight about it" has been his default "we're done here" for as long as I have known him. Trying to discuss or resolve a problem past "I don't want to fight about it" becomes an abusive effort because at that point he just completely disengages. I am left feeling completely out of options, and if I can't come up with a solution that leaves him out of the equation I feel impotent rage. That usually lasts just long enough for me to figure out how to solve it without him and then I carry on. This has been my MO for years.

I think this situation is a microcosm of how we got to divorce.