Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

LITB, thank you for your dissection of my situation.

It is possible that the biggest thing you fear, might be the thing that swings the pendulum back to bringing you back together. She still has you in her life, to help her with everything. Just like you did yesterday. It will be different when you aren't around.

This is where I currently have the attitude of still acting "as if" we are not going to D. I am not sure if this is the correct use of this DB principle or not. I go back and forth of acting M or giving up on those actions and acting D and not helping with anything. The reason I haven't gone the acting D route is I feel I would be doing it out of wanting to punish the W or teach her a lesson. I know she would smell this a mile away as the action wouldn't be genuine.

You really need to work on your detachment. I can see how she would feel pressure from you. It is overwhelming to her.

Yes I do and I have been trying to slowly pull away mentally and physically. I am tired of getting hurt and riding the roller coaster.

Here is an analogy for you....it is like nurturing the growth of a plant. You must provide the correct amount of water and food. Allow the process to run its course. If you provide too much water/food, you will either kill the plant or slow down its growth.

Same thing applies to your M/R. You are so focused on the end result(recon), that you are providing too much water/food. You need to trust the process. It starts with detaching. When you let go, your W will sense it. You will feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.

I have been over watering and standing in her sunlight. I sure she feels like a ducking getting fed for foie gras (ouch). This is the biggest cause of her pain. She probably feels that her efforts are not good enough for me, and she may never be good enough for me. My actions have shown her this.

Back to my questions about things you have changed. You have made numerous changes within your M/R. I am curious to know if you have made changes independent of your M/R?

I have made changes for me. I have restructured my work so it is not a large source of stress and time hog. I now do not let my work success dictate my happiness in my personal life, this was a big step for me. I have been working planning things out and being more proactive instead of reactive in my life. Trying to be more of a leader than a follower. My W would get frustrated waiting for me to make a decision or to do something, while at the same time I was waiting for her.

I still need to work on GAL activities. I did great when we were apart. The physical separation allows me to plan things on days when I know I am going to be alone. When we are together I start to make excuses about GAL. I don't think I have the time because W would have to watch kids and she is busy with her job and doctoral classes, etc. I have the thought that "why is my time more important than her's?" I then stop to GAL as much, or at all, and focus on the M. Then the W feels swamped and overwhelmed and pressured.

Her view or opinion on this dance is that she said "I do so good when we are apart. Then we get back together and I stop doing things for myself. I stop seeing my friends or going out to have fun." I suggested an in-house separation and she told me "it would never work because I cannot leave her alone." She is correct about this.

I guess that is where this is at, she needs lots of time and space. I want to give it to her and us and I know we could be better separated; if it wasn't only for her decision on the D.

I know the D is just paperwork and things do change, but it will still hurt.

25mlc, often post be the person only a fool would leave. To me, that means to be an amazing and attractive person. The goal should be to get there. Here is a list of attractive traits in no particular order:

-Confident Need work on this, I tip-toed around her when trying to reconcile
-Humble Good here, I am not cocky at all
-Courageous Need work on this
-Accountable Decent here, but I do make excuses
-Responsible Good here
-Honest Need to be more open and communicate it
-Trustworthy fairly solid here
-Funny(not sarcastic) Very Funny!
-Considerate Could improve, was a 180 so I am getting better at it
-Communicative Need work on this, I get scared to talk sometimes. W said she wishes we could just argue sometimes.
-Happy Was better before

The opposite would be unattractive.

I have had trouble trying to be open and honest with W and keep with the DB principles and also trying not to make her feel pressured. The epiphany (for me) I had about this in early January was to share feelings I had about everything BESIDES the R. That way if the talks went into the R zone we could talk, but I didn't want to force them there.

I have always been a person who get upset if someone is mad at me or dislikes me. I have even tried to apologize to a neighbor that was stealing plants from the first house we were going to buy. I felt I went overboard with my anger. I don't like this about myself and have tried hard to change it. I need to refocus on this.