This can't be the end! #2

[Mozza]

My IC is in the business of pointing the contradictions between my actions and the way I portray them. It is quite striking to realize that things aren't as pretty as I like to think they are. I've realized I had issues that I refused to face by painting over them with language.

Your post reminded me of that. There are a lot of "but" in your post. As you know, these invalidate the statement before. Let's go through a few of them.

I'm not trying to poison my kids against their Mum, and I'm not saying anything bad about her but... BUT you say she's not living in reality, that she wants to be 18 again, she thinks the end justifies the means, ridicule her desire to improve her appearance, etc.

This is not to blame her entirely, but... BUT you don't want this and you are not the one giving up on the R and M. So the S is her fault.

This is NOT to make them choose between their parents, but... BUT you're already making them think about who they'll live with, which is the same thing.

I don't want to make them keep secrets (they are doing this for W anyway), or have to choose between us but... BUT you ask them not to repeat a thing to their mom.

So in the end:
- You want your kids to keep secrets.
- You tell them bad things about their mom.
- You want them to choose between their parents.
- You blame her for the S.

I was struck by this quote from Gandhi: Actions express priorities. If you don't want your kids to keep secrets, don't tell them any. If you don't want to say anything bad about their mom, then don't. Another solution is to admit that you want and do all of this. Simply realize what you're really doing. But you can't have it both ways. It's not helping you, nor your sitch.

You're a very sensitive man. There are many of us on these boards. You're going through the roughest period. Part of what's going to make it hard will be to reconcile your perception of who you are with who you really are. The "but" and "I'm just" are ways to cover what you're really trying to do.

I'm glad you're about to see an IC. I'm sure you'll be telling him all of your back story at this first meeting, but try early on to ask him about his approach to psychotherapy. There are a few schools, some of which are more practical and others more analytical. Hard to see which would be a good fit, but in general it's good to know what you're getting and what are the alternatives.

How are you doing on DR and NMMNG?