Thanks rppfl More than anything I've been busy with my new job and getting my apartment furnished for the kids. Last weekend was the first time they spent a weekend here and it's also one of the first times I've had all three kids for an entire weekend by myself. Knowing there are many more ahead makes me smile.
This weekend is the first weekend ill have to myself for a LONG time. The last two months have been booked. No joke, every day of every week. Each evening. Just one long list of things to be done between legal process, moving things out of the old place, setting up individual policies, getting groceries and dishes and things, hooking up routers for Internet, working long hours, two out of state trainings for work, getting Christmas presents, thanksgiving, god I can't remember it all but I've literally had like one evening off in 60 days.
But I already celebrated Christmas with my kids (they came over last night and I dropped them off this morning, we just celebrated one day early) so I have tonight, tomorrow, and this weekend to just chill.
Not sure what I'm going to do. I know I might be more emotional, I've felt detached but maybe I was just too busy to feel everything. But I think I'm ok. And I'm probably just going to just get a book and read, maybe get a massage, shoot, maybe I can get together with some of the guys I used to work with. Whatever it is I'm going to slow down and just enjoy my first stretch out of survival mode.
Thanks for checking in and be well this holiday!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Wow, a month since I've updated my thread. I've posted a bit on other threads and have shared some of my background and sitch, but tonight I feel like throwing out an update.
Nothing has changed on the surface. My kids are coming over every other weekend and one night a week, and I am doing amazing as a dad. Never was able to do this before. We spend some time doing fun things (science museum, indoor park, etc) for a few hours. We watch a movie together. We eat at the table (instead of the TV). We play board games and card games. And we have some time on our own, so they can do what they do and it's not always about me being the 'fun dad'. I help with homework. We talk about their lives. It's really good.
My new job is going well. I'm working REALLY hard, I don't track hours but it's a lot right now. New outside B2B sales gig, what can I say. The job has to get done. But I am doing it! This is my third month and I've doubled the production they expected from me. That's cool!
As for my STBX, totally the same. I haven't even HEARD from my lawyer in the last month. Apparently in mid-December our lawyers had made contact, but I haven't heard anything since. That's crazy. If it was something I was pushing for I would've been pissed by the lack of professionalism. As it is...I don't care. Someday I'll get a call about something. If my STBX gets impatient, she can call her lawyer who can press my lawyer. Etc. Not my issue. When I have something to sign, I'll sign it. Until then I'll proceed to live my life.
Oh, my STBX and I don't talk and haven't since November. Some emails about bills/kids/schedules every week or three, but I have no desire to interact with her. I'm assuming she feels the same but either way neither of us are trying to converse. She did mention that when switching a bill into her name she wanted to keep her same phone number but "she didn't want to have to go to a store with me so if that was the only way to do it just cancel the service and she'd get a new number". That stung a little, but then I remembered that's why I don't look at myself through her eyes, and why I have no desire to again. I referenced it in T0's thread...when I look at myself through my STBX's eyes I feel diminished, undesirable, contemptuous, pathetic, etc. That is why I pulled away years ago. And that is why I want nothing to do with her at this point as well.
With those nuts and bolts out of the way, how am I doing? A few points on that.
In general I'm doing well. Honestly, I've probably never enjoyed my life more. I enjoy my job, my hobbies, my family, and the confidence of knowing I am ok with who I am even if I am single.
I do still regret this is the way the story goes. My 10 year wedding anniversary was this month. It was sad to think that when the road forked this is the path we went down. It does seem absurd at times.
But I do get it. Our M was terrible. Honestly. Really bad. I reviewed some journal entries of mine from 2011-2013. I thought about posting a few. I truly was a WAH in my heart, only I didn't walk. I found phrases like "not trusting life long decisions to emotions", and comments about how if there was any doubt about whether we could work as a couple I had to keep trying to make it work. And things about how family was important to me even if it felt miserable. I wrestled with that for years. And so did she. We were NOT happy together. Yes, we loved each other. But it wasn't working. Somehow remembering how much we had gone through made it easier to accept the reality of the situation. I didn't lose a dream M. I can honestly say that the only reason I didn't leave is because I didn't believe that was an option. I felt staying in a marriage miserably for the end of your days was still better than leaving because at least the loyalty, commitment, and underlying love was there at some level. But with that broken there's not much else left.
So I truly feel like I am circling back to working on myself. In the beginning I did it to try to save my M. Now I'm just doing it because I would like to be able to be in SOME type of M in the future. Right now all I can imagine is a frustrated co-existence because that's what I just left. I realize that DBing and working on yourself is TRULY for you. I used to have fantasies about my STBX regretting her decision, or imagine what she thought of me, or how she'd change what she thought of me someday. Now I realize that doesn't matter. I don't expect to ever get close enough to her again to ever know what she thinks or feels. With that type of distance comes the clarity that I am TRULY doing what I need to do for me. There is no one else I can do it for, no one else it matters to (other than my kids of course). But you get the point.
So to conclude, life's going great on the outside, great on the inside, still sad at times that we failed to work through it, but recognizing that it was brutal and forgiving her for pulling the trigger, and glad about the relief I got even if I don't believe it was worth the cost.
Them's some long ramblings for not a lot said, I've got other thoughts but I just wanted to get caught up first. Take care all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, thanks for the update. I am happy to hear you are working on yourself, I was a little concerned for you a while back that you weren't going to tackle that work. But it sounds like you are, and that you are doing it for the right reason - YOU.
A lot of your story resonates with me in emotion, if not in actuality. I have confronted recently that I was a WAW of sorts, but would have *never* actually walked, and even tried to build a happy M myself, I just wasn't getting much back to work with. Bad combination. I see that there is some relief and freedom in building a new life, even though I have fought tooth and nail not to have to do it.
I dropped my kids off at school this morning but when I went to drop my D4 off with her mom no one answered the door. I heard the dog barking but no answer on the door or phone. I waited about 15 minutes but finally left with my D.
For those not following the thread my STBX attempted suiceide in September. I can't help but fear the worst.
I spoke with her mother and let her know. I spoke with my sister who is friends with her, sister says last she heard was 8PM last evening and STBX was out with friends. She said it was possible she spent the night with another guy and is just passed out. Of course, she could've been drunk driving or something and been picked up as well. Not sure. If I haven't heard anything by 11-12 I'm going to call the police because I don't know what else to do.
All I know is I can't go to work today because I have my D and because I'm not feeling that well right now. I feel both strong knowing that whatever happens I'll keep making good decisions for myself and my family and life will go on. But on the other hand this really stinks and I don't think it's right.
I don't know what else to say but I'm sick to my stomach and very sad about everything right now.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
OK, it's been another hour. I'm really not feeling well and it's hard to think rationally. What would you all do?
Would you call the police? It's almost 11AM my time, even if she was up late and passed out it's hard to believe she'd still be out. And can I just sit back and do nothing? My kids get off school around 2:30. I would need to pick them up if no information is uncovered by then. My son has the code to the garage, but I don't want him to go into the house and potentially see something he shouldn't.
Still praying something comes up quickly but I have to be prepared. Thoughts here?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
More than anything I've been busy with my new job and getting my apartment furnished for the kids. Last weekend was the first time they spent a weekend here and it's also one of the first times I've had all three kids for an entire weekend by myself. Knowing there are many more ahead makes me smile.