This can't be the end! #2

[Barry]

Hi Guys

So I'm a bit calmer now (thank goodness). I met up with my S18 on Monday night for a meal, he suggested it which was a nice thought. After we had been talking for a while, I asked him if he would prefer it if I didn't speak about W or our sitch (as I've said before, out of all the kids he's the one who struggles with the whole thing). He said if I wanted to talk about it that was fine. So I gave the following speech to him on Monday, and my D15 yesterday. My D13 is coming to see me this evening so I'll be telling him the same too..my S20 is also coming later, but it's slightly different for him as he doesn't live at home.

People may not agree with what I've done and am doing here, but I'm not seeing my kids anywhere near as much as I would like to (a lot of this is just because they have busy lives) but they need to be told a few important things by me.

I started off, and reitterated several times during the conversation that I'm not trying to poison my kids against their Mum, and I'm not saying anything bad about her but I do want them all to be 100% clear on how I'm feeling about all this. I'm asking them all just to listen and talk to me, but that it is between us only, I don't want it repeated to my W who will take it all the wrong way. They don't tell me what she's saying and I am only asking for the same courtesy.

I'm telling all of my kids that I. DO. NOT. WANT. THIS. (they are already fully aware of this!) and that I love them all no matter what.
Although I've played my part (and by God I played it well) in how we got here, I am NOT the one who is giving up on our R, our M, and breaking our family up. This is not to blame her entirely, but it IS her who is giving up at the moment.

I'm telling them that I want them to come and live with me if W carries on with this plan and doesn't have a change of heart. This is NOT to make them choose between their parents, but I said that I don't want any of them think for one minute that I don't want them to. Obviously, ideally we will all live together but I'm not being naive about the fact that right now, that doesn't seem likely. I haven't gone as far as to tell them all my plans (as they aren't 100% firm yet anyway) but I'm seriously considering buying her out of our home should it come to that, rather than selling up, splitting the money and having to rent forever - I've invested too many years (and money) into my mortgage to then have to rent. It's also something for me to leave the kids in years to come.

I'm telling them that although they (maybe/possibly) think I'm crazy at the moment (with me being so emotional, on anti-depressants, attending councilling etc whilst Mum is sitting there, quite content, feeling super confident, and calling all the shots), that ultimatly, I'm the one whose living in the real world. I don't want to be 18 again, I'm happy being a Dad, a husband hopefully, and although changes need to be made to my social life for my own wellbeing, and to the way I interact with W (or another partner if it goes badly), at least I'm thinking clearly about the repurcussions of all this on my family. W is not. She is feeling as though the end justifies the means.

I'm just trying to make sure that they are aware that Mum is NOT who they think she is any more. She may be putting the washing on and cooking their dinner, but the thought process going on in her mind right now is not the same as it once was. She wants out.

I have told them that I feel that W is going to regret this one day. Yes, she may have had her tummy tuck, her boob job, her Botox, and have turned into the butterfly she wants to be, but one day, she will look back on all this and realise that she let me go needlessly, broke my heart, and gave up something good. I could be wrong there, she's just as likely to meet the man of her dreams and live happily ever after I suppose.

These are difficult things to tell your children, particularly when they are living with W. I don't want to make them keep secrets (they are doing this for W anyway), or have to choose between us but they have to be made aware that things are going to drastically change in their lives and that they DO have a choice even if they don't want to make it. I'm just trying to prepare them.

I saw my doctor yesterday and said i wasn't sure if the meds were helping. He said to stick with them and that they (obviously) won't solve the problem - they are just to take the edge off. I've been taking them in the mornings up to now but I took in at bedtime last night, slept better and have felt more in control today so I'll change to that schedule.

I was also contacted by an IC (i'd been waiting for the call), and I start that tomorrow evening.

I'm sad of course because I know that my W doesn't love me any more, maybe she will again, maybe she won't. At this stage, I'm going with won't. I'm not snooping around any more as it's just making me ill. I'm still scared to death of the day she says the word divorce, or tells me she's met someone. I'm really trying not to think or care about it, but it's sooo hard being a LBS.

I really need to get working on some 180's and PMA more than anything right now. Although I'm keeping up with my fitness regime - gym/cycling etc, the GAL is difficult due to lack of transport but there are still things I'm doing and planning for once I get a car again. Not that we are having any contact at all now so I'm not really getting the opportunity to put this into practice but I am NOT going to get upset in front of W again, and I am NOT going to talk about R unless she brings it up.

Actions, Actions, Actions!!!