Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

I owe you a much longer reply later, but quick question -

Where/how did you and your H FIRST build intimacy and attraction in your relationship? Where did the essence of your bond start, how was it created?

Good question... Sorry for such a long answer!

We work together and he used to be my IT guy. We were friendly and a bit flirty for a couple of years, until he asked me out (I was the first person he ever asked out!).

He says he was attracted to my passion and kindness - and smile/laugh.

In the beginning of dating, we did a lot of different activities. We're both really into trying new things and adventure so I think it was a sense of adventure that really bonded us. We did a lot of dinner dates (where I think we bonded with laughter, also talking about our goals and dreams for the future), and we also did a lot of other things like:
-Bingo hall
-Comedy club (I'd actually never been to standup comedy before and he introduced me)
-Paddleboating
-Hopping on a random bus and seeing where we ended up
-Weekend trip to Slovakia

We basically did something completely new every week and usually something neither of us had done before. We also did do a lot of dinner dates (usually trying a new restaurant each time) and talked a lot but mainly about either our childhoods, or our plans for the future, and a lot about travel.

I have realised that in the lead-up to BD, we fell short on our dates. We were really good at keeping up our commitment to a weekly date night, and we usually did stuff together at the weekend as well, but I think we just got into a state where we were always rushing. Quality time's really important to me (haven't figure out what H's LL is yet but I have the book). We were trying to save money so cut out going for dinner. Whereas before we'd have dinner, and then an activity, we ended up cutting out the dinner and just doing the activity. Instead of going out for dinner, we were eating leftovers on the go (there was actually one night I remember eating leftovers out of Tupperware standing on the freezing street corner over a trash can - cringe!), while we were on our way to whatever activity. I think for me anyway cutting out the dinner meant cutting out on the conversation and my love tank suffered. And it just always felt like we were rushing from one place to another. Not good for intimacy.

You guys still know those dance steps even if you're slumped against the wall not wanting to get out on the floor. You have the gift of time and also - the gift of being in the same house still. I think it's something worth thinking about. Our situations similar, but different. Your H likes to stay on the lighter side sounds like. And he is doing some work, great!

My H and I created our bonds thru very deep heavy conversations about lives, selves, cosmos. Tho I promise you he never ever once sat down and said, W I'd like to talk about my feelings and thoughts about the world. They would just unravel like a ball of string if I pulled (instead of pushing me).

I would love to figure out a way to enter the dance again, I'm just not sure how to do it without pursuit. And one of H's complaints is we spent too much time together, so I'm trying to give him as much space as I can in the same house.

Last week I broke DB rules a little bit and invited H to go geocaching. It was something we'd done once or twice before and it's a bit of an adventure. I had a really good time and I think H did too although he seemed a bit apprehensive at first. He was hugging me a lot by the end of it (lately he gives me a lot of hugs, but nothing more).

Tho I promise you he never ever once sat down and said, W I'd like to talk about my feelings and thoughts about the world. - This made me laugh, thank you for that