Jbird. Your wife sounds like she is mentally unwell. It is better for you and your daughters to be away from her. Often when someone has so many issues the more empathetic partner becomes the "fixer". This can create a codependent relationship. Not healthy for either
. Have you read Codepedent no more? I think if you focus on healing yourself that you will begin to see all of your W's issues threw a new lens.
Wonka posted a post on boundaries. Have a look at it when you get a chance.
Remember that no matter what you will be ok. You have lots of support here if you need it. Keep GAL. You deserve more than what you have been accepting.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
With help from you and other DBers I have realized that I have a codependency problem. I must tackle anger and codependency as my two major issues. I have not read the book, so I will order it ASAP.
Have tried to fix W who has some pretty serious mental health issues and is a recovering? opiate addict, who relapses fairly often. I'm realizing this is impossible and unhealthy for me.
With the last week I learned that I can never control my anger by suppressing it. Instead when I'm am angered I must learn to channel it appropriately.
As always thank you for your help.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
No contact from W today! This is the first day since we got back together after the first D that we have not talked at all. It's really a weird feeling.
I am resisting the the urge to tell someone about W writing love letters to the thug. D25 told me today that she is worried about her mother getting herself killed by this thug. She said maybe we should tell her best friend H. H has a good understanding of W's mental illnesses and addiction as well as the history of W's sexual abuse by her brother. H is not friendly with W's family.
W is planning to hook up with Mr Thug when he gets out of prison. He has multiple domestic violence charges, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted strangulation and an array of others.
My D25 found the letters by accident revealing her moms plans.
Should D25 or I tell H about this? W usually listens to H's advice.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Today W called D25 to ask her to move to Mt where OM stays in prison. W thinks no one knows about her and the OM. She told D25 the cost of living is too high in Houston and wants D25 to go with so she don't feel like she is abandonning her. What about S22 and Special Needs D20? D25 told her no!
It's going to tear the heart right out of SND20! All for a wonderful alchoholic who beats women, and threatens the lives of police officers and their families.
Now my phone is blowing up with text messages, W is at the NBA game in Dallas tonight with her employer. W and I are big basketball fans so she is having a blast. Also called about the arena and the players before the game started. She got to see the owner too!
I'm trying to stay busy, but I hate this!
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
- Jbird, you must stop making your life and your posts about your wife's latest antics or what her plans are or the man you think she's interested in.
The OM is NOT relevant to your life. He's beneath your noticing.
Just focus on YOUR LIFE and your kids. The rest speaks for itself. How are your GAL plans going? Yeah, get back on track now. Back to DB 101.
GAL, Detaching and any of the 180s you chose to work on.
Below, I crossed out the parts of your posts that you must Stop allowing inside.
Really, these things do NOT matter to your life.
Today W called D25 to ask her to move to Mt where OM stays in prison. W thinks no one knows about her and the OM. She told D25 the cost of living is too high in Houston and wants D25 to go with so she don't feel like she is abandonning her. What about S22 and Special Needs D20? D25 told her no!
It's going to tear the heart right out of SND20! All for a wonderful alchoholic who beats women, and threatens the lives of police officers and their families.
Now my phone is blowing up with text messages, W is at the NBA game in Dallas tonight with her employer. W and I are big basketball fans so she is having a blast. Also called about the arena and the players before the game started. She got to see the owner too!
I'm trying to stay busy, but I hate this!
Jbird, change your focus now
or surrender to the insanity your wife's issues create for you.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE HERE^^^
Stay stuck, OR Change and Move On...you have gotten a lot of great advice here. Read it again and again til it sinks in and
til you start making the changes only you can make in your life.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25ys thank you, I need to focus on myself and my kids, especially my special needs daughter.
Karma thank you for your continued support.
I'm planning a trip to ND to see my mom and siblings. Hopefully I can have the funds to go in March. I will take SND20 with.
Should I do any cooking for W? In the beginning days when I first started posting again I gathered from you I should.
Another GAL activities is to go exercise with SND20, walks in the park, around the mall or even just the neighborhood. Join a codependcy group. Get SND20 registered with DARS for training for a job. I'm scared but I want to learn how to dance. So after the ND trip get some dance lessons. Continue to work on preparing product to put in my friends store. Start painting again and sell some of my artwork.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
if you really read my list of GAL activities that I did in Alaska, where I knew no one at first, I HOPE you realized I was also afraid.
But the alternative to GAL is far worse. When you "get that" then it becomes clear that the only way out of this is THRU it.
Yes it takes courage to change. I know that.
But I have a feeling that fears have kept you stuck in unrewarding behaviors for too long already.
The thing I would fear most if I were you, is more of the same.
Make the needed changes, asap. Forget about what your w needs b/c SHE thinks that is what she is pursuing so, you can wish her the best but again, put the focus back ON Your kids and yourself. IF you are cooking and she happens to be there, fine, she can eat. I would not refuse to make food for her IF I were cooking anyhow, but to go out of your way for her at this point, is probably going to look weak. She is leaving you for another man and she has cheated on you before.
Do you really want to make her a fine meal to celebrate that?
Do NOTHING in anger. But be busy. Valentines is coming up soon. GO OUT and do something fun! Be busy and preoccupied and do NOT spend your energy wondering about her.
Your SND is just one of your kids, and I know she'll always need you in ways your others won't, but they still do as well.
Every kid needs a "Rock" parent, a stable force in their lives whom they know will always be there for them. That's you.
But they also need to see you creating a happier life for yourself b/c YOU are their model. Teach them how to be happy people, by becoming one yourself.
Your broken hearted daughter cannot let someone else (like the man who left her for OW) determine if SHE can be happy; SHE Decides that. You must reinforce this for her, by demonstrating that.
It's a HUGE life lesson for all. Good luck!
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 02/12/1508:45 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
