Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

I am guessing that you have made other changes, aside from relieving the pressure? What is different about you today, from when you got here?

I have made numerous changes over the last year. Most of it were actionable items like helping around the house, planning dates, planning trips, making quality time, improved listening skills, developing empathy, listening to her ideas and wants more (still need improvement here). She has acknowledged my improvements when she felt positive about our R.

Where we needed improvement was emotional intimacy. I started to try to share and it was right at the end of our latest attempt. She gave the line of "this is great, but it is too late." I suspect that she was starting to share emotionally with a male co-worker again during this time.

The reason I am focusing on the pressure or pursuing issue is that she said she felt that she had no relief with anything in her life. School, work, kids, reconciliation, everything. She even had a dream that she was being drug underwater and couldn't swim.

Her last complaint was that she felt forced by me to work on the relationship. She wasn't comfortable with the pace. I would pursue, she would withdraw, I would increase pursuit, she would withdraw more. Passion trap describes our relationship pretty close.

I would have autonomy when we were separated and then start to give it up when we would get together. I would get too involved in trying to "fix" the relationship.

What are the changes that would motivate her to reconsider?

This I am not sure about and where I have been stressing myself way too much about. Not healthy.

I have still been acting like a husband to her. Doing house work like before, supporting her and her crazy schedule like before. We are basically interacting like a married couple without any intimacy. We have had a couple evenings sitting on the couch talking after she has filed D papers.

I think that healthy distancing might make her reconsider.

Yesterday I came home and she was stressed to high heavens. She had our two boys and two nieces running around the house. She had to make a phone call interview for a 5 page paper she had to write. We have repair issues with the house we are selling that could void the contract. Then she had to get ready for teaching her night courses.

She started to talk to me and was very stressed and apologized for being that way. She told me about the house issues and then kicked the kids outside to do the phone interview with no luck.

Bang, stress now even greater as the paper is due that night. I heard her conversation and actually could help her with what she needed so I sat down and helped her out. Then got up and finished cooking the dinner for the kids she started so she could write her paper.

When she finished she came and apologized about her mood, etc. I listened and then asked about the "incompetence" in the people she tried to interview. Then I just continued to listen.

What I did well was not offering solutions unless asked. She needed help with her paper, I could sense that. Where I laid off was I usually ask what else I can do to help her. I didn't this time, I just worked on listening and validating.

I brought all the kids back in and got them ready for dinner etc. When she came back in she told me a couple of time "I can do this" or "you don't have to do this, I will finish it". I just politely said "its okay" and kept on doing what I was doing and kept biting my tongue about offering solutions.

I don't know if interactions like this would make her reconsider or not. I just left her to her own crap when she was stressed and did not offer help unless she asked.

I also do not get up early in the morning when the kids get up. I live in the basement and sometimes it is hard to hear them. Also since she wanted me to move down there, she can get up with the kids at 6:00 if need be, even if she did not get home until midnight like last night.

gogofo, are you happy with who you are? Not what your W or anyone else thinks of you. This begins with you.

I am happy with me and where I am going and who I am becoming. It saddens me that I may walk this path alone as this was not part of the plan. My emotions were down yesterday because I had not been taking care of myself physically, not much sleep etc.