So time flies along, and while I have news, there is still little change in my overall situation, meaning my W is still with the OM, and we continue to progress towards a D. Currently having financials etc worked out. This is a surprise to my W, but I was prepared for this some time ago. She is finding the whole process very difficult, which is unfortunate.
Some positives, I have truly been able to detach myself. There are days that I don't think about her at all, and I am doing very well. I still do my own IC and continue to keep myself healthy, social, and mentally strong. Still have moments when the "what the he$$ happened in the last year??" hits me, but overall those happen less.
There have been some very good interactions with my W, but perhaps the most serious ones have revolved around her mental health. She has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She begins counselling for this tomorrow. It's an arduous process, which I wish her the best of luck in. My kids truly need her to be healthy and in a better place. My children remain very confused and frustrated. They are also doing IC. The BPD diagnosis isn't a scapegoat for me, but it helps me to understand. Unfortunately looking back I wish we had managed her mental health much better.
She keeps sending me articles about BPD, but sometimes I feel like the diagnosis is not an excuse for an affair. She truly feels she hasn't even had an affair, and still blames me for the destruction of our marriage. However, she did send me a screencap of a conversation she had with a friend, where she talked about feeling bad for blaming me for everything and making me out to be a horrible person, and that she was finally ready to mourn the loss of her marriage. This surprised me, like she didn't realize what her actions would lead to. I was confused by this incredibly. The up and down and back and forth are part of the push pull cycle with BPD I am learning.
I am just continuing on the pathway to self enlightenment. Staying busy with my kids and friends. I am ready to move forward with or without her. I'm doing as much as I can to work on me. Who knows what the future holds, except for what I would like it to hold
Thanks for the update on your sitch. You've done a great deal of self-work and you should be rightly proud of yourself. Taking the high road can be a very lonely activity at times.
Originally Posted By: Devaste
She keeps sending me articles about BPD, but sometimes I feel like the diagnosis is not an excuse for an affair.
Damn straight! You've got this right. Short of psychopath, people generally DO know that having an A is plain wrong and hurtful.
You are doing great with your children and they'll be very close to you in their adulthood. Ya know...changes from teens to young adults then to mature adults. I grew closer to my late father around age 25 when I've burned through pretty much every youthful indiscretions imaginable (except drugs).
Thanks for checking in! Appreciate all the feedback that I get. Just took a little hiatus for awhile.
Thanks for the positive words of encouragement. I know I'm going to be ok too. It's my little ones that I worry about. My D6 told me today it feels like I love them more than their Mom. That's a horrible thought process for a young one to be going through. I reassured her that we both love them all so much, but it broke my heart...
Sandi, they do stay with her on a split schedule. Trying to work with a mediator to allow her to have them one on one until she is healthy, as three children is too much for her to handle. She acknowledges this, saying she is sorry she doesn't have the skills to be a mom. However the financial implications seem to prevent her from agreeing, although I have suggested we could avoid those. She has also cried to me that she is not my problem anymore, that she feels horrible for abandoning the kids like she was as a child, and that no one understands her. Of course then she will be ranting about how I've caused all of this. Anyways it's a topsy turvy world out there for me with her interactions right now.
I'll keep up semi regular updates, and I'm always lurking around here.
Hi Dev; Good to hear you're keeping yourself healthy.
You could tell your D6 that mommy is ill and is trying to get better. Mental illness is not something to sweep under the rug or hide from children. True, it still holds a stigma in many folk's opinion, but it think giving your kids an assessment of her health would make them feel that it's not their fault that they're not getting the love they need from their mom. It's just that their mom is going through some issues and is having trouble expressing her love as they need to receive it.
Keep up the PMA Cheers
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Update time a bit. Of course things appear to be heading towards divorce. I see no real change in course of action at this time. My interactions have been ok for the most part interspersed with some crazy dialogue. I have had several strange interactions as well that have made me curious.
My gut is it appears that my W is coming full circle to an understanding of her mental health. She is starting to realize that I'm not 100 percent to blame. She has told me things like she hates me but she loves me, and she wishes we had managed everything with respect to her mental health better. I have done lots of reading with respect to BPD and it's associated mental illnesses, which has been very helpful.
Interestingly, we have had some deep conversations about is as people, not so much R discussions at all. She has acknowledged that she tries to hurt me so I can feel the same pain she does, and she admitted her affair was the way she thought she would be able to get rid of me forever. Obviously with the BPD, the realization that with kids we would be involved in some capacity forever never quite tweaked.
Sadly, she remains in her A, I think vacillating a bit. But not enough. She sounds remorseful and sad lately, and she has articulated this, but nothing has changed. All things considered, she is done with the M. I don't discuss it or bring it up in our infrequent conversations. I am also extremely wary of our conversations. I have been yelled at in the park, my W calling me horrible names and telling our friends and neighbours horrible lies about me. Typically I don't respond except to urge her to consider the children, as they are often there when this has occurred.
The next day an apology inevitably follows, and she describes feeling like another person has taken her over, and she doesn't remember what she said.
It's sad for me to watch this from the outside and live the reality. So many things have changed for me this last year and a half, it's crazy. She commends me for being the dad she always thought I would be now, which upsets me sometimes.
For the most part, I have no expectations, and I'm progressing on my own. My journey will probably be a solo one, although the rocket is a two seater....
Thanks for stopping by and giving us an update of your sitch.
I am sorry to read that your W is still lost. You have done the hard work of improving yourself and being the best dad you can be to the kids. That is what matters truly...in the grand scheme of things.
You deserve a partner who will be loving, supportive, creative, nurturing, and nourishing to you as a healthy person. Time will come when you are ready to enter a new partnership.
Dev, FWIW, I think you sound lovely - and I would be very surprised if an equally lovely lady doesn't come along in the near future, hoping to claim that second seat in your rocket.
In the meantime, it sounds as though you are doing just fine....:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Dev, FWIW, I think you sound lovely - and I would be very surprised if an equally lovely lady doesn't come along in the near future, hoping to claim that second seat in your rocket.
In the meantime, it sounds as though you are doing just fine....:-)
