Sounds like she realizes it takes 2 to tango...thoughts?
Yeah, maybe... sounds like she's processing, thinking, but no one really knows except her.
My friend told me that if/when she decides to come back, I'd be the 3rd person to know... after her head and heart knew.
Though it is REALLY tough not to look for signs, analyze every interaction, etc (I was very, very guilty of that), it really, really helps YOU keep your focus on you, your plan, your own growth.
Try to stay out of her head, it's messy up there...you don't want to get any on you! (I stole that from UR)
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hey Z, I hear ya. I really would like to see her...i mean we're used to not seeing each other but it still [censored]. Im just not sure were there yet to where I can just show up. I think she'd be happy but I'm not 100% confident of that and until I am, i don't wanna lose that foothold I've already established, you know what I mean? I have tried reaching out to her, and its a hit or miss. Sometimes she's all about it, sometimes she's not, so I know were not quite there yet either. I really appreciate the kind words and your positive attitude about it all, sometimes i just don't know, and i definitely need the pick me up.
T2- I am so guilty of that, I think we all are- maybe I am more than others...its so difficult to just not analyze the things she says...any ideas on how to just...not? What I think is, that at that particular moment in time, she feels that way, but its not all the time, and I leave it at that. Thoughts?
Interesting you bring this up today too, because again its just a weird day, in a good way? today. We texted all morning and she called me a couple times, not before sending me a picture of some baby clothes with a =( face...and then we proceed to get into a discussion about how her life is so different, and when she wonders about me she thinks about all the things she would be doing instead of what she currently is. Actually told me today that she realizes that all the things she is/wants to do right now, are things she could be doing here, but that when she made the decision to leave, she was not there mentally able to do that...
No talk about reconciling, and she's pretty set on riding out this path of hers, but its stuff like this that I just wonder and I don't know how to stop myself from going there. Like..seriously W? sending me pictures of baby clothes with sad faces? Telling me about what you could be doing here? WHY?
I usually just validate and listen to her and let her talk, but its just hard T2, to not be like OK WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS AND WHAT DOES THIS MEAN! -----
On another note, I went grocery shopping for my cooking class and bought all the stuff I need to make mushroom bolognese? idk what it is and i don't think its super fancy but it looks delicious, and will be a nice change to Stouffers Lasagna every other day. So we start Friday, pretty excited!
Last edited by TLEE86; 02/04/1512:31 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I don't know how people did this for years. I really admire that.
They did it one day at a time.....just like us
Originally Posted By: TLEE86
in the end, we cant control anything and the sitch's that seem to show the most promise, don't always work out. Its not in our hands. And I don't know how to deal with that.
Hey, like we talked over in my thread. This is the toughest part, by far. This is an interesting place on the internet. By its very nature, the sitch's are pretty dire. Looking at the one's that don't work out is not productive. Did you read Surf's update a few weeks back? His sitch ended in D, but what he got here set him up to learn and improve from it, he's content and happy right now.
The 'strategy' part is so difficult. I can say that you hear all of this advice...detach, detach, detach. It makes no sense at all, but I can say there's no magic formula, but since I have; I find myself in a much better place. I'm no longer worrying about my approach, which is adding more consistency to my actions.
Have you seen an IC? I would have sworn off them before this, but I have to admit they have a way of getting you to look at things in a different way. I find myself now thinking like a counselor in some things I say and do. Its almost like looking at yourself from the outside.
Hang in there, I hit my low around the time you are at right now. It will get better, you're doing really good. I remember your first post on here and you've seemed to change a lot, understand now you can't 'fix' her and she needs to do this. Sometimes it helps me to go back and re-read my threads and see how some of the things I said back then seem so ridiculous now. That's how you know you've grown in all of this.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS-thanks for checking in. no I am not seeing an IC anymore. When I left GA and moved to TX, I started seeing a different IC here, but didnt like her too much so Im somewhat in the process of looking for one. To be honest, Im not sure what I would talk to them about so Ive been hesitant about actively seeking another one. I feel like by just keeping busy, i am doing ok
Just writing a short update tonight, going back out in the field for a week so I'll be away for a while again.
Work is going well, though I find myself sometimes taking my frustrations out while Im at work. I yell a lot more and curse all the time. But...because I'm in charge and this is the Army, it works. I find myself a lot more efficient and my Soldiers are more efficient because since Im so irritated and frustrated, I don't let very much slide, and ensure that whatever needs to be done is done. I don't have the patience for BS so when I don't like something, I fix it or have it fixed on the spot. I just have to be careful this doesn't translate over to my M.
W and I are doing better. Its been a really good past few weeks, even more so than before. She calls me all the time and actually started face timing me out of the blue. My DB Coach and I set 3 goals for me these last/next few weeks and I am slowly reaching them so it feels good.
1. Introduce SKYPE/FACETIME to our convos I haven't actually had to even initiate this, W just randomly started FACETIMING me throughout the weeks so its nice to have my W actually cover down on one of my goals.. 2. Have at least 1 serious/deeper conversation every week so there is some substance to our talks We managed to talk about religion for 5-10minutes the other day, something we rarely do, and continue to talk about it every now and then. Also started inquiring about my W's career aspirations/dreams and asking her more questions, versus giving her advice 3. Don't answer her phone call and don't return it one time in the next couple weeks Ok I haven't done this one yet. Ive missed her calls but always return them. This goal was more to just keep W on her toes, and not be super available
----- W is actually going to her internship tomorrow, she finally decided to go. I have mixed feelings about it, but I told myself Id just trust God to make the right choice, so if this is what she made, then I trust in it because she's told me she prayed for some guidance too to help her make the best choices. I am honestly not sure she will stay there the entire time, something in the back of my mind is telling me she will stop early, but who knows.
One only drawback these past 2 weeks is I started looking at our phone bills again =( And I know she calls me a lot but also talks/texts OM...I will try again really hard not to look at these phone records because it doesn't make me feel good and really doesn't do anything for me. I will just continue working on me, doing well at work, and contuing to improve me, right now, its cooking class. Hopefully, things continue to go positive..
Well, going to bed soon, off to the field starting tomorrow. Hooray for no weekends!
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Well havent left yet, have a couple hours left but just journaling/venting.
As I mentioned, my W was going to go to this internship in Maryland for 3 months, and she's been back and forth on it...well in typical indecisive fashion...she drove 6 hours and then stopped, and turned around and drove 6 hours back. So she didnt go. We talked for hours on the phone today, just BSing for the most part, but we did hit on the M a few times...bottom line, W said when she left she envisioned all this differently and now she literally has no plan..no job, no internship, nothing. She has nothing going for her as far as what she wants to do. But, I pushed it a little bit, and in the end told her that We (the dogs and I) miss her, and asked her if she missed us. (Yea, I know, shouldn't have done that). She didnt answer really, just implied that I should know not to ask her those questions because she doesn't want to talk about it. We got off the phone shortly after.
So...I feel bummed. W said she knows that she's always welcome here in TX. But I don't feel like theres really any plan right now to come home. I feel like Im back at square one, where W doesn't know what she's doing still. But now her plan, as she admits, has fallen through. She doesn't have anything she originally wanted or thought she was going to get/do when she first left. So now Im wondering...NOW WHAT. But she doesn't know either. So...shes gonna continue to stay at OM's apartment and look for a job again? Go to school? She told me a few days ago, that she was leaving his place. Either when she got her new job or the internship. Now the job turned her down, and she turned down the internship halfway there. She has NO plan....at all.
I will say that she noticed one of my 180s...I was very calm and collected when she told me about her sudden indecision not to go to this internship halfway through her drive and was very supportive. She asked me why I was so ok with it, and told me how she was scared to tell me because she's usually scared to tell me these things because I used to get mad. But I responded very calmly and supported her decision because if its not what she wants to do then its not what she wants so I hope she finds something she wants to do.
But for me, I don't know what to do anymore. Im trying to look at the positives and that my W is escalating our convos to FaceTime now and calls everyday, and maybe now that she has no plan it'll shock her into wondering what she actually had and why she left? But then again, she is so indecisive as you guys can see now...That I wonder when she will ever figure her [censored] out. She admits she's not really happy where she is, that things are just falling through for her...but am I really gonna have to redo the past 4 months because now she has nothing going for her and is starting over herself? Im wondering if its positive that now her initial plan fell through?
Anyone else in this situation? or any advice? I don't know anyone on this forum whose W calls multiple times a day just to talk. I don't always answer, but its very clear she wants some emotional connection...It seems like things are going positive but it doesn't feel right? Her indecisiveness is just insane...and yes, I know...detach detach detach...but i am simply failing at that. She is literally all over the place, and I am letting myself get drug along for the ride. What do you guys suggest to not let this happen, but somehow keep the FaceTime convos and what not going?
Last edited by TLEE86; 02/08/1502:21 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Not a vet, so just sharing some personal experience...
You're right, this is some major league level of indecisiveness. It's interesting that she turned around after driving 6 hours. Plenty of time to think by herself. It sounds like a W who wants to make her own decisions, not someone who wants to be guided. The issue might be that she doesn't know her goals -- this internship would have brought her closer to... what? If you don't know what you're aiming at, then it's hard to know where to shoot.
Many WAS seem to end up much worst than they expected. You might have seen it in my sitch this week, when my WAW reported being back on medication and insomnia less than 5 months after leaving me. I don't know either what it means. I guess DB says we shouldn't think too much about it. Some of them might see it as just a phase, something they have to go through before they are happy again. Just keep going seems to be the mantra of my WAW.
My WAW doesn't call multiple times a day, but she did try to keep in touch daily about "fun" stuff. On the advice of the vets, I cut it off. I responded lightly then stopped responding. Then I told her I needed space to move on. I can tell she lost something that she wanted. The goals are to help us detach and to let them miss us. I don't know yet if it brought us closer to R, but I can say that it has given me much more calm and focus in my own life. With your frequency of contacts, you're almost like those people with an in-house separation -- it looks like hell. If you can't detach and want to, you can consider cutting it off more. If you so decide, you can go as far as telling her about it and why, like I did (very briefly). Wonka is one of the vets that advocates a strong boundary.
By the way, excellent thing that she noticed the 180. You're new self sounds good. As you know, the goal is that we become these people for good, not just use it as a trap to attract them back.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Her indecisiveness is just insane...and yes, I know...detach detach detach...but i am simply failing at that. She is literally all over the place, and I am letting myself get drug along for the ride. What do you guys suggest to not let this happen, but somehow keep the FaceTime convos and what not going?
I am going to quote a snippet from a psychology publication:
Quote:
So if the problem here is attachment, then how do you “detach”? The best way is to replace your ex with other people whom you care about and may assume the role of primary attachment figure. In other words, train yourself not to rely on your ex by spending more time with other supportive people in your life instead. For example, research shows that parents, siblings, friends, and children can all make excellent attachment figures.2 So, visit your family. Have lunch with an old friend. Remind yourself that your ex is not the only person in your life who you can feel close to, and you’ll find yourself needing her less and less.
In other words, GAL...again...GAL...it works.
Get involved with a church, volunteer group, your family, etc
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Cruddy day, no real reason. Wanting an end to all the drama, but I feel like it's on me. W completely feels like she is the victim and blogs about how stressed she is...simply don't understand this but never will.
I'm torn between wanting all this communication because I enjoy talking to her but yet just wanting room to breathe. Nothing I'm doing seems to be helping W realize how much I am trying to support her. Seems like I'm just taken for granted and she just asks me to do more ie look into schools that she's thinking of going to
Idk if I should justt go dark for a week and see how it goes, but at the same time idk if I have it in me since I enjoy our conversation
I hate the person I'm becoming because I feel hopeless, lost, insecure and someone without direction. I've never been like that.
GAL is a joke. I'm in the field almost very day so when I get home I just sleep. Seriously just dislike who I am because this is not me. Someone who used to be so take charge has now been reduced to this. And I don't know how to fix that
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I preface this by saying I am in a very very dark place right now. What I say should be taken with a grain of salt. It's not meant to be mean towards you, nor your wife.
Having said that.......
Your wife needs to grow up.
You listening to her on the phone and looking at schools? Schools that she's invariably probably not going to go to? Doesn't help you. It enables her. Because she's still looking for your approval, guidance, wanting to get whatever it is she wants out of you. IMHO you're not helping, you're perpetuating the cycle.
Go dark because you need a break. You are driving yourself up the wall trying to nice guy your wife home. You are stressing yourself out and taking yourself to the breaking point where you will probably lose your [censored] if you keep doing this. Go dark because you need to detach (do as I say, not as I'm not doing. See I called my own self out on it.) and you cannot do it by taking all the texts and phone calls and facetimes which inevitably piss you off because it's not bringing your wife home.
If you don't like who you've become? Change it. What you are doing isn't working. Do something for you. Not something that's designed to win her back.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day. Today is my H's birthday. Cried all day like a baby cause I couldn't spend it with him. Hoo freaking ray.
Last edited by Calibri; 02/11/1503:48 AM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
HIJACKING...Calibri's thread seems to be locked and she hasn't started a new one yet.
Calibri- we've been a bit worried about you. Where you're at stinks right now and nothing you can do will make it feel any differently unless it's something damaging that will only hurt worse in the long run. Terrible spot and I'm sorry. It doesn't do any good to think of yourself as a victim because you're supposed to be accountable for your failings and confident about what you will do in your life with or without your H, but for a few moments we can drop the mature outlook and admit that walking out on a marriage is a soul crushing life altering game changer to do to someone else, and I'm sorry your H wasn't stronger or more committed. Be sad for a bit, but do take care of yourself. Faults or not you deserve to be ok.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
