Thanks, Gwen. It was difficult, but I remember months ago how much better I felt when I had a different perspective. I'm getting that back. I'm not a victim. It's all a matter of circumstance. With the house renos and everything- it's just the cards I've been dealt.
I've reached some serious frustration points with the overwhelming amounts of work now needed here and the amount of $ to put into it, but overall, I just think of it as something I need to take care of.
Anyways....
When I got to d13's game tonight, I planned on sitting right up at the top of the bleachers... out of the way. Xh was there when I got there. He is NEVER there before me. NEVER! He must have left work early. I knew it would be weird and he wouldn't know whether to sit with me or not, so I know he left work on purpose to get there. He sat in the spot we have sat together for years. I just smiled and said hi as I was walking past. He said to come here. I asked what. He said to just sit down. I did and asked what. I thought he needed to maybe say something about the taxes or air points or something.
He just told me not to be like that and to sit with him. I just explained to him that he made a choice. That he allowed this young girl to come into my life and help destroy it. That his actions are something that I am not OK with. (In the meantime, they were announcing the team all loud and sang the National Anthem- couldn't they wait for me? Don't they know who I am?)
I said that he is not my friend and that I am no longer going to be part of his life. I cannot live like that. I was his wife and he chose to be with someone else. He feels that she is more important to him and that's his choice. He kept looking like he wanted to say something, but wouldn't (But also like, yes, I did chose someone else). He paused and I waited. He said nothing, but was looking like he was thinking about what to say. Finally I asked if he had anything to say. He said, "No, I don't have anything to say, Mighty." I just said OK. Bye. And I walked away. Went to my spot and sat. I wasn't mean or nasty. Just to the point. For awhile my heart was racing and glub, blubing. But after awhile, I felt better and more confident. More comfortable with my decision.
I came home from the game and got into the shower. As I got out, I heard the door bell ring. Guess who?? I heard s17 say, "Awww $hit." (He saw who was at the door and was talking to himself. I know the feeling.) I didn't come out of the bathroom- I was staying away. But xh asked s17 if he wanted to go to the gym (He was like yelling it so I'd hear or something). Uhhhhh... s17 has refused to work out with xh since he took the gym equipment out of the house a year ago. (Hww didn't like xh working out here with s17- we later found out). S17 had his second interview tonight.
Xh went to the gym and just stopped back over after! I'm like wtf! I had to go unlock the door in the garage. I asked what he was doing. He said he wanted to see how s17 did in the interview. I told him he needs to stop popping in like this. Then I told s17 his dad was there to see him and I left the area until he was gone.
I remember back months ago how empowering it felt to cut him off. I mean, like, kind of deny him. Not like he was trying to get with me, but I didn't engage in the nonsense. It felt really good. I sensed then that maybe that was part of it for him- to be able to reject someone. That he had options. That he had two people "pining" for him. When I shut down the garbage, it was great.
Now, I know he is not trying to get back in, but it feels so much better to let him know that I'm not waiting in the wings for him. That I'm not on standby.
Another process. It's gonna be awhile. Things are still gonna sting. And I can't imagine a time when some of this stuff won't still hurt.
But I'm walking. I'm doing me. And it feels darn good to know that.
