Oh, Susana! (3)

[susana4]

Spent some time earlier today catching up on various threads - got a lot out of reading some of labug's old threads. So much insight!

I don't know if it's the thinking and reading I've been doing, the fact H is away or the ADs (possibly all of the above?) but I feel a lot more detached. Today, at least. Knowing the roller coaster, I might not tomorrow.

Spent some time earlier trying to dig to the root of my fear.

What is it I'm afraid of?
Fear of losing my H. (well, that already happened)
But beyond that is...
Fear of abandonment. (ditto)
And beyond that is...
Fear of being broken.

Bingo! The fear that I am not enough, and that's why he left. That I'm irreparably broken in some way, and that's why he rejected me. But that's not true, because I am enough, and I'm a *little* broken, but I am fixing that.

I think I also really started to get how DBing is about us, and saving ourselves. The only way out...is in. And this journey is about us. But after all, isn't life a journey of getting to know ourselves better? As Cadet says, our spouses have give us the gift of time.

And I think it really is a gift. A gift to get to know ourselves better, and improve ourselves!

I realised earlier I was struggling a bit with this idea of fixing things about myself.
But then I really started to get that it's about fixing them FOR ME. It's not about fixing them for H and it's not even about fixing them for a future R. It's going to benefit me, even if I never have any relationship again.

I looked at some of my goals:
*Be less reactive/angry - I don't like being angry. It's not fun! So of course being less angry is a huge benefit to me. Who wants to wallow in anger all day?
*Treat my anxiety and depression - well clearly, this will make me feel better.
*Be less critical - this took awhile, but eventually I saw that this is beneficial to me, too. Because I'm not just critical externally, but internally too. That same voice that criticises H criticises me too - except 1000x more.

So my gratitude for today (and today only, because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow!) is to thank H for this gift of time.