barely holding on - 7

[T-Mom]

u... I am here, and listening, and definitely in your corner.

[u-turn]

Just some journaling today.
I've noticed the reduction in my posts and equate it to my level of detachment (I guess). When I first started here, I was posting every hour - now I'm weekly or more. I look at my situation and rarely feel panicked, sometimes depressed, sometimes angry, but I do feel like I am handling everything better. That's a relief.

We are at a state of in-house separation at this point. We eat dinner together with the kids (when she's here). She'll talk to me about work and I listen, I talk to the kids about their day; but after I clean up we go off to our separate corners. (I have not sat with her or watched tv with her for weeks. This always used to be our together time) Later I sleep in our bed and she sleeps on the couch. So all-in-all I may see her for an hour a day, there is no conversation initiated by me unless I tell her about schedules and the kids.

Last weekend, I stayed busy with work, and house tasks and kids events. (all things that I like to do). We did have dinner with my new sister-in-law which W arranged. I wasn't comfortable there either. Everything that we do together seems like a lie and fake.

She still does try to start general conversations with me, and still tries to do things on weekends with me, but she knows that I am not comfortable any more with this. (and I truly hate being this way).

The other night (thursday - I think) we did talk for about ten minutes about our situation. She stated that she was worried about my health and business, I told her that I understand why and I am rebounding from last year (Which is true). She asked me what I think my future looks like. I told her that I didn't really know how to answer that but said that the things that I want have not changed. I think she understood that, but may have dismissed it.

This morning (after a long restless night), she called me into the living room this morning where she was still laying on the couch. She didn't say anything and just looked at me. I said"I do not want my life to look like this". She said that she knows and she doesn't either.

Again no resolution and no movement.

She is not willing or (able?) to move out (which we are approaching her timeline on that).

[MrBond]

Is she still seeing the OM?

[u-turn]

She still works with him and I have discovered still e-mails him (as of a couple weeks ago). So yes.

[MrBond]

So have you tried to do anything to break this cycle?

[u-turn]

I've stated my boundaries(shes walked over them). I told her that it would be best for us if she left. She agreed but the changed to vover the A even more. I am currently in a dim state with her and she is well aware of it. It is her choice to sleep in another part of the house and we haven't discussed it.

We haven't discussed ourselves much in the last several weeks.

The cycle hasn't stopped. She seems to agree that this isn't right and isn't fair but hasn't changed it.

I was under the impression that not pressuring her was the answer but that hasn't gotten us anywhere. I know that ultimatums are controlling but I'm not sure what else to do.

I may have to prepare myself to be the one to move out. I know that isn't advised here and doesn't even make sense to me but again I don't know what else to do.

I would love some advice.
Thanks

[MrBond]

I mean have you tried to break the cycle of not communicating with her?

[u-turn]

Thanks for looking in on me.

If you are asking about breaking my lack of communication cycle with W, I am the one deciding to limit it. She will talk for hours about her work. I can only listen to so much because I don't want to be her sounding board. She wants this from me (and only this). We used to talk about our day's stories, but she only wants to talk about hers. Doesnt care much about the kid's and hasn't cared about mine for a long time.

We have limited comunication because it's my decision. I can change this but don't want to until there is no A. It is uncomfortable for me to be this way but I am through ignoring this.

If you are asking if I have done anything to break the cycle of them comunicating, I think there is very little I can do. I have told her things she already knows. I am not ok with it and will not live this way. They work together, see each other every day, and e-mail personal messages on her work phone with a new email account.

[u-turn]

As I was getting ready to leave for a couple hours this morning, nowhere really to go, just getting out of dodge, she asks me to talk again.

I ask what she wants.
She says she wants normal conversation. Not the silence that I have been giving her. How about hello? (I always say hello when she comes home and go to her to say goodbye when I leave in the morning). She said that's all she wants.

I rant a little - "I would like nothing more than NORMAL, but that is not really possible right now. I will not pretend like this is not happening."

She asks me if this is about her going out for drinks after work yesterday (I didn't know she was there).

I continue "It has nothing to do with yesterday and is not a reaction to anything in particular. This is about you continuing your affair."

W - we are going to revisit this again? (she was completely trying to dismiss this as me dragging up old issues).

"No W. you and I both know that you are lying and continuing your affair. You are still sending each other messages and more. You are continuing to seek your emotional needs to be met by another man."

She said - You will never trust me.

She didn't say any more than this - she just stared

Me - "Blind trust has not worked for us so far. You have continued to lie to me. I need more than this if you want it to work for us.

You can be certain that I am willing to do all it takes to work on my end of the problems with our M. But I need to know that you are committed.

Why do I need to prove myself to you?"
---
I was never angry - and probably said too much again but I did want her to know that she was hiding nothing from me and that I am done playing this game.

Our conversation was basically over as she was done talking and S17 got up and walked in.

I think I want to finish this conversation tonight.

HAPPY V DAY EVERYONE - bleh

[u-turn]

W took D14 and her friend to the mall to get out of the house. She asked me if I wanted to go but I declined and told her that I had some other things to do.

I think I will open this mornings conversation up again because I don't feel like it was finished.

I am going to get right to the point:

"I am hearing from you that you want to test me to see if we can act normally together and then work on our marriage. I assure you that I can try this but not until there is only two of us. Until then there is no normal for us."

Does this seem too weak? or controlling?