Um - can anyone advise me on how to respond to this email -
I received a reply to my email to h - I have only put the last section on as the rest was just in regards to our sx2
(I had ended my email by saying that I appreciate he is on the ground with them at the moment, I don't have as much contact with them as I would like, its something I need to sort.)
He has put - "You sorting your world out is more important than worrying about managing to keep in lots of contact with 2 grown men. It’s a nice to do, not a have to do. If you are ok with it, I will keep you up to date with any changes I find out about, if possible making you aware before a decision is made so we can present a united front (if we agree of course…). Also understand if you just need to keep focused on yourself for a while, or if it would be too much contact with me, just let me know either way."
I am really not sure how to respond - All these sudden emails have put me in a little spin and whilst I see that there is nothing to them (as in information)- this is first contact in ages. I am not sure if they do mean anything for him - is he fishing, is he after something, is he just being plain nice at the moment. Any thoughts on how to proceed?
I'm sorry you've had a bit of a rough time as of late. However, you are one strong, savvy lady so I know you will sort everything out.
Honestly, I'm not sure what there is to respond to? A simple "thanks" which would acknowledge receiving it seems appropriate. You don't owe him any explanations about yourself so keeping it short seems sufficient.
Just my 2 cents.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
H is acting like a child who is checking to see if Mom is watching him on the playground. As long as OW is living with him in your home then I would be wary.
A simple thanks will suffice. Wish I could be more hopeful but this is typical "cake eating" behavior and is very common. I would just keep living your life.
Hang in there
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I agree. Reply later and say "thanks" and nothing more. BTW, just sign your name...no love or mushy stuff at the end.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will delay reply until tomorrow and just say thanks. Although – he did ask a question; do I want contact from him or not – so if I don’t answer that then he will just ask the question again.
Job – can I ask why you feel I should not sign off as normal? It’s something I have always done and he to me – Isn't leaving a small amount of sentiment between us keeping the door slightly ajar so if he comes out of this he knows I have not completely closed myself off - or is that the point, he needs to think I have?
Gwen - So you think he is fishing - he doesn't want me but wants to see if he still has me on his hook? Hmmm, I just saw it as him being nice about not wanting to upset me more ….I am so not good at this !!
GB – thanks for your lovely comment – This latest little flurry of contact has not changed anything – I still intend to carry on with my plans regardless of what he wants or is doing – he has no idea I am returning to NZ – I don’t intend telling him, he will hear it from the boys –
Lou, in my limited experience, I would think that your H is trying to establish a normal facade for your relationship - mine was desperate to make it look as if we had both agreed that he should simply walk out on his family and take up with OW. He needed it to look like I and the kids were OK with his behaviour.
It was so bizarre - we ended up feeling like we were going mad.
My guess is that mlcers really need to make it look to the outside world that they are good guys.
It's Ok if this helps you deal with him/the situation, but please don't think that it is a sign of him softening towards you, or that he is moving towards wanting to come back at some time in the future. My guess is that it's still all about him.
And re how you sign off - again, ny experience is that whatever you do in this regard will have no influence on his realisation that you are leaving the door ajar.
To use familiar terms/names from our previous relationship with them tends to make us look weak and needy. These guys have walked out; they have re-placed us. They are not our H's anymore so we should not act towards them in any way that suggests we still think they are. It's pursuit, and pursuit does not work.
Sorry to be so negative, and just my 2c. But I have made just about every mistake it's possible to make, looking back.
Lou, When you use endearments such as "love", the MLCer will think that you are still holding out hope that things will turn around and that you are still there for them. Endearments can be seen as pursuing. We don't always see endearments as pursuing, but to them...well...it says that we are still wanting them back and they can't have that. They don't want us to "love" them right now.
Under normal circumstances, yes, you would sign off as you normally would...but your situation isn't normal right now...is it? BTW, is he signing his missives using endearments? If he isn't...that's your first clue to keep things polite and civil, i.e., not using "mushy" endearments.
Job -h always signed off as Me x, then stopped the x when he met ow and then started again with these last emails. I have always signed off - L x although did put Much Love L x on the last email. I do see your point though and will stop the sentiment.
Its habit - i put an x on the end of everything, emails, text etc to all my friends and it just happens naturally as i have alway done it with him. Will try refrain from doing it from now on - thats if he contacts me again needing a reply.
In the end I did not answer H email - just left it alone.
Had a busy week - have organised the shipping of my belongings back to NZ - hopefully collection will be next week and the company will store it until I am ready for it to be shipped.
I have rented a room (in nz) in a house as a temporary stop so that I can give myself time to get a job and then I will be able to see how much I am earning which will give me a better idea of how much rent I can afford for my own place.The room is not available until after Easter so friends have offered a bed if I want to go back earlier and start my job hunt.
Just want to get going now - quite excited about getting on with life - new mantra is Calm and Simple - keeping life as calm and simple as possible ....well thats the idea, whether it happens in practice remains to be seen lol.
I know I have a long way to go and tough times ahead and I am sure h will add confusion and hurt along the way, but I am in a very different head space, much more clear and less skedaddled. I have ideas and thoughts about future plans and they don't include him -
I am off to London early March to do the touristy thing with a girlfriend which I am looking forward too.
Thanks for all your advice and support, I value it and appreciate you taking the time to help me along my journey. Having people who understand what i am going through - understand what my h is going through, really helps.
