Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Vapo]

I'm not Starsky, but I'll take a stab at your question. In this moment in time you have to keep in mind that you are not even a blip on your W's emotional radar. You could be doing back flips whilst drinking a glass of water and it still would have made no difference. 0, nada, zilch. Even if you are the friendliest little puppy that ever lived, you have 0 chance of success, because in her eyes romantically you DO NOT EXIST. YOU CANNOT NICE YOUR W BACK!!! We all have tried it, against the advice of the vets and we all have failed.

Have you read DB? Honestly?

The ONLY way to get her back is to go against what seems logical. I am sure your logical mind is telling you to be extra nice to her, to do stuff for her and the fog will lift she will snap out of it and fall madly in love with you again. Nope, ain't happening. In her mind you had your chance and you blew it.

The only way is to let her go. She might come back, she might not. She has a journey to complete and so do you. And the sooner you get on with it, the sooner you will start living again. I am sure you will agree with me that this limbo you are in now is not a life by a long shot, not even close. In fact I am sure you sometimes would rather not exist at all than to endure all this pain. You have to grow for YOU, you have to put YOURSELF first, you have to get the focus of HER and onto YOU. You cannot help her. You can start your journey and she will follow, but do not wait for her to start following you.

I'm sure you are thinking that you are different, your W is different, you can nice her back... Try if you must, but the odds are heavily against you.

Detach for your own sanity, GAL, make that W of yours wonder why the hell are you not miserable, why the hell you are not crying your eyes out and pleading her to return. Go, live your life for you. I am sure you have your stuff on the back burner that you want to do. Well guess what, now you just got the time do do it.

[Starsky309]

I'm not Starsky, but I'll take a stab at your question. In this moment in time you have to keep in mind that you are not even a blip on your W's emotional radar. You could be doing back flips whilst drinking a glass of water and it still would have made no difference. 0, nada, zilch. Even if you are the friendliest little puppy that ever lived, you have 0 chance of success, because in her eyes romantically you DO NOT EXIST. YOU CANNOT NICE YOUR W BACK!!! We all have tried it, against the advice of the vets and we all have failed.

Have you read DB? Honestly?

The ONLY way to get her back is to go against what seems logical. I am sure your logical mind is telling you to be extra nice to her, to do stuff for her and the fog will lift she will snap out of it and fall madly in love with you again. Nope, ain't happening. In her mind you had your chance and you blew it.

The only way is to let her go. She might come back, she might not. She has a journey to complete and so do you. And the sooner you get on with it, the sooner you will start living again. I am sure you will agree with me that this limbo you are in now is not a life by a long shot, not even close. In fact I am sure you sometimes would rather not exist at all than to endure all this pain. You have to grow for YOU, you have to put YOURSELF first, you have to get the focus of HER and onto YOU. You cannot help her. You can start your journey and she will follow, but do not wait for her to start following you.

I'm sure you are thinking that you are different, your W is different, you can nice her back... Try if you must, but the odds are heavily against you.

Detach for your own sanity, GAL, make that W of yours wonder why the hell are you not miserable, why the hell you are not crying your eyes out and pleading her to return. Go, live your life for you. I am sure you have your stuff on the back burner that you want to do. Well guess what, now you just got the time do do it.

Well I *am* Starsky, and I wouldn't change a WORD of that! Awesome (albeit tough) advice.

[Complex]

I'm glad I asked the question the way I did because I needed this kick in the groin again. I did read DR, but the parts about last resort and after last resort tecniques are short.
But actually I was more wondering about what NC is actually doing. It does feel counterproductive bc since NC wife is pulling away more and more. Starsky said it before, W will notice changes for the simple fact that she's a woman and they do this kind of stuff well. But since a month now things are getting worse and worse so I'd rather have some sort of communication and be uplifting but detached. I suppose I'm very impatient. Wife will NOT wonder that I'm not crying and pledging and moving on, she'll just feel more comfortable about her actions. And she'll be happy to see me more happy. But this is not going to cause anything directly. It only implies the chance of a fresh start after a lot of personal growth. But since OM is in the pic somewhere this obstacle is very very hard to conquer.

Ok enough of that because I made good detaching progress...and I started picturing a life without her. It's in front of my eyes.

[shodan]

I cannot say enough about the value of GAL and Detaching. It is so hard to do, but when you do it, you will feel better and be more positive. And your W may find you more attractive but she also may be gone forever. If that is the case, do you want to spend the next 6-12 months pining away for her? Or would you rather get on with your life?

Re: NC/detachment vs. being positive. They are not mutually exclusive. When you are around her, you are strong and positive. You are confident. You are happy, which is hard to be in your situation. But, as you GAL and Detach, you will become happier. You will become more positive.

You need to focus on your heart and spirit. You cannot change her and her emotions. There is nothing that you need from her to be whole. You are loved and worthy, not by your W but by life, the universe, God and everyone around you.

[Complex]

And the BGP thing: my W actually has them n, she always did. Maybe not emotionally, but in life she's a very independent woman. She doesn't need me...
She just has her own style if doing things, and you better do not ever interfere with it, bc she never wants to get told what to do or how to do it.
So I ditched her with helping, she might be in 'I'll make him put his BBPs on' payback-mode (which is ultimately right, I understand her, the picture she has of me). We will see.

[Starsky309]

I cannot say enough about the value of GAL and Detaching. It is so hard to do, but when you do it, you will feel better and be more positive. And your W may find you more attractive but she also may be gone forever. If that is the case, do you want to spend the next 6-12 months pining away for her? Or would you rather get on with your life?

Re: NC/detachment vs. being positive. They are not mutually exclusive. When you are around her, you are strong and positive. You are confident. You are happy, which is hard to be in your situation. But, as you GAL and Detach, you will become happier. You will become more positive.

You need to focus on your heart and spirit. You cannot change her and her emotions. There is nothing that you need from her to be whole. You are loved and worthy, not by your W but by life, the universe, God and everyone around you.

This!!! ^^^

[Vapo]

Dude, let me spell it out really simple for you. Your need to have some sort of communication with her shows you are not detaching and certainly not detached. This also shows that you have EXPECTATIONS and you should have NONE. Because expectation only leads to HEARTBREAK. You will soon notice that after ever communication you ache all over and soon you will learn to love the communication blackout, because every time you hear her voice, you will be reminded of her, and that will hurt over and over again.

And if you are positive in the interactions with her, she will just think oh good, he is ok with my actions. Are you?

Hör auf verdammt nochmal...

[Complex]

Thanks Vapo!
I'm making progress detaching, slowly but surely. Can't deny I miss my life with her and that I do have hopes. My expectations are very very low tho, but not none.
I have to stick with my plan. 25yr always told me nothing works unless you go with it for at least a few weeks, if not months.
I have a last session with a DB coach, might use it soon to really make sure I stay on track. I not only need more time to detach but also to get over my depression and build my life.

Is there more resource than DR on 'how to deal with S, if someone filed for D or is about to?'

[Vapo]

Google "the stages and lessons of midlife" and you might strike gold...

[Mozza]

Is there more resource than DR on 'how to deal with S, if someone filed for D or is about to?'

What are you looking for? More guidance on how to act? You seem to have some difficulties already following the DB advice, often being quite emotional, unsure about everything and not staying on track. It seems to me that what you need most right now is to be centered, calm and trust the process. It will get worse before it gets better.

The other thing is that you don't have control. It's not about finding another method or piece of advice that will magically give you control to stop the D. All that I've read and heard aligns with DB: let go, focus on yourself, detach, etc. There's no silver bullet.