Yesterday xh stopped at the house to see how the interview went with s17. I was surprised he stopped. Only came to the door (s17's phone broke... again).
I was nice, but pretty much stayed in the other room, except asked about a tax paper that came in about the business.
We had just gotten pizza- and of course I didn't offer or anything.
I am doing it, guys. I really am. I am in the process of letting go. It is hard, but I am.
I kind of get the reason of, "Believe none of what they say and half of what they do." Because it all comes from confusion. And until action takes place- words are meaningless. I did what I needed to do today- with words, even though it is heart wrenching. So I can see the difficult in that... saying things you don't mean. I mean them, but it isn't necessarily what I want. However, I know what I want and what is reality are two different things.
So later, last night, xh texted me about s17. And I told him I wanted him to transfer the air miles he agreed to onto my account (in our agreement since I used his card instead of mine forever... and he was supposed to transfer on an agreed amount- hasn't happened). He started making a big deal about it. I wasn't even going to go back and forth. I said, "good night."
Today he texted and said, "So are you going on a trip?"
We had talked last month about all going together (I said he needed his own room but it was fine.) on a family trip.
Anyway... I thought about it for a few hours.. about how to respond. I am not at all comfortable to go back and forth, talk like friends, or do any of the nonsense that has happened.
I have to end it. Totally. Cut it off. I have to. It's the only way I can do this.
I thought carefully about how to respond. Wrote if a couple of times. Walked away. Came back. Revised.
I kept it as simple as possible. I said that I was sorry, but I was no longer able to communicate with him bc it is just too difficult. That he has made a choice and I have to let him go. That I don't want any drama, just peace. I will most likely sell the house for a new start for me and d13. I appreciate all that he has done for me for 20 years. I will cherish the family memories. Please honor the points you agreed to.
That's the crux of it.
Dead air. Nothing. Not that I expected it.
I feel better. It was hard, but good. I did it the way I feel the most comfortable I could about this. I'm not going to analyze what I sent, bc, well... it's sent. It was a clear as I could have been... while still being me.
I feel more in control of myself. It gave me a little power back. I am in control of me, and no one else.
I would think of him being there. The lies. The betrayal. The fact that there is this other person that has made such an impact in my life- and it never should have. That I may possibly be Plan B is not ok with me. There should have never been an option.
Thinking about how messed up this sitch is gives me a little more motivation to move along my path. To get going.
I know I will have ups and downs. Setbacks. But I feel like this time around, this is my first real step to getting back on the Mighty train.
My heart is heavy. My stomach is on fire. My chest is tight. But, I do feel better. And I know it will all ease over time. I know this because it has in the past. I can't wait for the day when it is totally gone.
I am beginning to slowly accept what it. Whatever it is!
