The Goddess of Goats Dances Through the Solstice

[GoatGal]

Hey All,

I'm here, was traveling for awhile with not much access to internet, then found that I was thinking more clearly about my sitch with less input. So when I returned home, I found that trend continued...

I have thought of you all many times, but just couldn't face getting on here and reading, much less writing.

I have been working really hard on my detachment which means thinking as little as possible about my marriage and my husband, and much more on myself, my future, and all the things which are under my control.

I have been working on a variety of projects, mostly of the musical variety, and that is going extremely well. I am even considering remaining in this area no matter what happens with my marriage, because I realized the value of all the wonderful people I now have in my life. (And I love snow and winter, and they just don't have that down south.)

In the past, it's been too much time thinking about my sitch, about other peoples' sitches, when that time can be better put to use furthering my own goals.

Things with GUBU are at a standstill. Now a solid six months of him saying "We need to talk" about once a month, but he doesn't ever open a conversation. I just ignore...

He continues to come around, help out, and "be nice". However, there is still no remorse, no emotional connection; in fact, he has made it clear that any emotions from me other that "Life is GREAT and so are YOU!" are unwelcome.

For all his therapy, his emotional coping skills are zero. His empathy is zero. His humility is zero. At least from what I've seen, and there have been plenty of chances for him to demonstrate something, anything... and yet.

I am of use to him. I'm a great pet-sitter, animal-carer, house cleaner, grocery shopper, maintenance person, "buddy", project-pal, an attractive, kind person who can be trotted out on occasion to increase *his* value.

I suspect many people on his end don't even know we're separated since I've heard he still refers to me as "his wife" and the same people don't seem to know he's living in his friend's guest room.

I think he likes it like this. It's how he always wanted our marriage to be.
All of the benefits with none of the drawbacks. (Like having to uphold marriage vows, not have secrets, not have activities which are at odds with having a loving, committed relationship.) He can have a "wife" for all the reasons it's convenient, without having to do any of the emotional work or change anything about himself.

He continues to focus his energies on the things he finds important, and while he's "nice" to me, it's not like he ever really goes out of his way. Not if it means being vulnerable or really warm.

I'm frustrated with this and coming to the end of my ability to tolerate the continued compartmentalization of me as a person in his life.

I am so grateful for my friends who have supported me through this. But looking forward, I just don't think he has the character to weather this storm and do what he would need to do to R with me. His mode is just to sweep things under the rug, and if I know him at all (I think I know this much) he's thinking that with time, it'll just fade away like it never happened and we can play "pretend."

Unfortunately, no relationship can withstand such a great wounding without addressing that wound. I will recover on my own and have for the most part.
But I can't recover with him unless he does the work, and that is not forthcoming.

It's been 18 months since I discovered his infidelity, and we are no further along than we were then. Not really. There is no movement from him in terms of any kind of real remorse. (Saying "I'm sorry for our sitch" in a text is just insulting. As if it happened all by itself.)

I'm fine. Better than fine. I'm back to being happy---UNLESS I have much to do with him, and then it's back to insomnia and getting manipulated.

When I withdraw from him for my own sanity, he steps up his game, starts calling now and texting long messages, about how "sad" he is and other stuff. Until I open up to him again and then it's the same old, same old.

Acting like he cares, without the actual warmth or caring. Since I now know what genuine warmth and caring feel like, it gets harder and harder to tolerate this facsimile.

So I'm frustrated, moving ahead with my own plans, and trying to engage with him as little as possible.

I think it's clear to him that I'm a good person, someone worthy of being in a loving relationship, someone he likes, would find attractive, would enjoy being around, would be a good match.
Except; he doesn't feel that way.

Whether it's because he ruined whatever trust I had in him, made me into someone who is no longer gullible and easily manipulated, made me stronger, or because whenever he lets his guard down with me, he can see what he's done to me.

I'm not good at hiding my feelings, and even though I have a tight rein on myself, I know it shows on some level.

But his avoiding my pain is not about helping ME. It's his weakness that he can't face it, and he wants ME to put it on a shelf so he will feel less uncomfortable.

That is 100% clear to me, and it's not going to happen. It's not my job to pretend so he can avoid feeling the brunt of what he's done. Which doesn't mean I bring up the A or say anything critical. I mean, I can't even show emotion that might be related in any way.

That's not acceptable to me.
I am tired of walking on eggshells and tired of pretending to be perky and perfect and happy when he's around.

Oddly enough, when he's NOT around, being happy and upbeat is never a problem.

That tells me something.

I do appreciate you all checking in with me; I felt guilty not providing an update, and I'm sorry I didn't do so earlier. I just needed a break.

I don't anticipate anything changing this year with him. I fully expect him to push the divorce through when he can, and also expect him to want to keep me here on some level. So he'd have his "divorced" status for his online dating, but all the perks of having me as a wife. Or half-a-wife. Have his cake and eat it too, I guess.

Well, that won't work for me. I have the sense that all his "niceness" is buttering me up so he can create just that situation for himself. With me, the ever-trusting, loyal former wife who won't date or make demands... while he's free to do as he pleases.

Of course, I could be wrong about all of this, but I don't think so.

I have not seen one tiny bit of him wanting to support me or get close to me emotionally. Yet, he wants that from me.

I have to stop giving it to him, but it's hard. When he's here, I can let my guard down, I forget what's happened... and I think he counts on that.

I find myself chatting away, and then it's back to the same old "Mr. Nice Guy" routine.

But being "nice" is not the same thing as being kind or compassionate.
I've been doing ALL the emotional lifting in this R for years, and I'm done.
I need to expend my energy on things that will actually give me a return for my money, and sadly, I no longer think he's going to be one of them.

Sure, a miracle could happen. But it's not likely.

The man is very emotionally closed off in more ways than I ever knew.
This time alone allowed me to really look back over our whole R with the goggles off, and I have seen a lot.

I have seen how insidious his treatment of me has been, and how it's led to this point. I was manipulated and used, and sold a false bill of goods. That's the truth of it.

Sorry not to have better news, but there it is.

Love you guys...

Your Pal,

The Goat Gal