[tadpole1025]

Facebook = phony.

I think we all know that people only post mostly "good" things or over embellish things.

My XW actually blocked me from looking at her page. (She didn't want me to see what she was up to.) You know what? She did me the biggest favor by doing that. It helped me detach.

Facebook is bad news and you're only hurting yourself by looking...even if it is just a peek.

Tad

[Matt165]

Hi Bea,
The question I have on this subject is how do we accept the MLCer the way they are now? They have for the most part rejected the very things that made them the person we choose to spend our lives with. By becoming the "mirror image" of who they were, for example, no longer putting the needs of the kids first, they have become someone that no longer has the values that attracted you to them in the first place. You see all the time here when the LBS says has become "someone I would never be attracted to".

How do you "accept them for who they are now" when who they are now isn't someone you would respect if they weren't your S? Sure, they USED to be different, have the values you respected and the change is caused by their crisis, by their messed up childhoods, etc. but many people who have had messed up childhoods don't go on to have an MLC. In fact it spurs them on to make sure they don't do to their kids what happened to them. I see my W treating our D's the way she was treated by her father, not accepting them and trying to get them to do what SHE thinks is best by withholding her love and acceptance. How can someone who has lived through this and been hurt by it now do the same to their own kids? And how do I accept that is who she is now?

If I were to "accept" that this is who she is now and that's that, I would also need to accept that I would never want her back in my life, that it's OK that she is hurting our kids in ways that will stay with them for the rest of their lives and possibly hurt their future R's with their S's and kids. This is where I'm having problems. To see someone I had so much respect for start acting like a child at age 48, totally changing their values and becoming totally selfish and self centered, I find it hard NOT to have a problem with just accepting them this way.

Any ideas on how to get past this?

[Wonka]

Matt,

And how do I accept that is who she is now?

What is the alternative? Really.

All it does is to mess your head up. No sense in making sense out of the irrational because rationality is not applicable to irrationality. Why bother?

[beatrice]

Matt, by acceptance I mean the realization that you can do nothing except to let them go with as much love as you can manage.

Accept you can't change them; accept that they are damaged; accept it isn't your fault.

I think your version of acceptance denotes a degree of agreement with her ideas/behaviour etc. I do not mean that. I mean, realise that is who she is for now, and give her reality some space.

It is a bit zen - you get it when you get it. I didn't for a long time.

I agree with Ms Wonka - she has a wonderful succinct way with words - I have a girl crush!

[123Gwen]

One way of looking at things that has really helped frame things for me is everytime I get frustrated trying to "let it go" I replace that thinking with "let it be"

Logically I was forcing myself to try to let go when I wasn't ready and acceptance felt like I was condoning the behavior. Now I just keep saying to "let it be" and that seems to quell my mind and my heart enough to step back.

I guess we all have our coping devices. Unfortunately a person in MLC doesn't seem to care who they hurt or what they destroy while they cope in their own lives.

[BrightFuture]

Oh, wow, got smacked upside the head about the FB thing. Feel like a loser . Maybe I should call my DB coach who in two sessions advised me to open a FB and start posting the fun things I was doing.

If I were to "accept" that this is who she is now and that's that, I would also need to accept that I would never want her back in my life

This is exactly what I’m thinking too. To me, accepting and letting go because they are the way they are now means exactly the end. I don’t understand “for now” part at all. If now they are like that and you lose all the respect and love, this is it.

And BTW, H seems to be actually enjoying himself. It is just new for him to advertise it to the world. Maybe he is having so much joy in his life that he wants to share it with everybody.

[beatrice]

This is exactly what I’m thinking too. To me, accepting and letting go because they are the way they are now means exactly the end. I don’t understand “for now” part at all. If now they are like that and you lose all the respect and love, this is it.

No, that isn't how it works (for me, and I suspect for others like URworthy) When you do get to that point the landscape changes.

A prospect of the ocean is nothing like the ocean, if you see what I mean.

Many of us have been fearful of letting go finally because we actually fear this loss of love: we don't always realise it at the time.

When we lose this love we can revisit the real love we had for the person when they were whole, but also hold in our minds and hearts how damaged they are now. It is part of the process, I believe.

After we lose the initial love (reach acceptance that the person has really gone) many have a period of complete separation and lose contact and then the whole thing refocuses. MLCers tend, on the whole, to keep in touch, even if only infrequently.

Do I always feel love and compassion? Absolutely not - my xh can be a real ****** (insert word as appropriate!) But it takes time to get to this point.

Hope this helps

[LiveNow]

Funny. Maybe that's why I chose 'Let it be' when I got my tattoo in November! It made a lot of sense to me, and it's a nice daily reminder!

[BrightFuture]

Bea, thanks for sharing your experience. I value it so much. I hope one day I will be where you are.

Many of us have been fearful of letting go finally because we actually fear this loss of love: we don't always realise it at the time.

I think I realize this, and this exactly why I’m afraid to completely let go.

After we lose the initial love (reach acceptance that the person has really gone) many have a period of complete separation and lose contact and then the whole thing refocuses. MLCers tend, on the whole, to keep in touch, even if only infrequently.

I feel that I’m reaching this state. It is still sort of elusive. Some days I feel it, some days I don’t. I think I know what you mean.
And yes, he is still keeping in touch to make sure I’m not completely “gone”. I can feel it too.

At some point, my desire of “complete separation” has to become stronger than his touch and goes.

LiveNow, I’ve been following your sitch for a long time. I’m glad you are feeling stronger. I remember about the tattoo. You made me think if I should get one, LOL.

[RAI]

The question I have on this subject is how do we accept the MLCer the way they are now?

Matt165, I could easily have written your comment. I feel EXACTLY as you do. The issue of acceptance is one I struggle with daily. It has infused every post in my own thread. I struggle to accept that I cannot control my W or stop her from making her own mistakes. I struggle to accept that the W I knew is dead and that the person I am married to is a total stranger. I remain so emotionally entangled in every single one of my Ws actions that I have been hugely unsuccessful at detaching. I look for reasons to be angry at her and I cannot shake the intrusive thought that her selfish actions are harming everyone around her. Even though I know the anger is toxic to me (anger is the poison you take hoping someone else will die), I cannot seem to accept her. I am plagued by fears that my acceptance will be viewed as condoning her actions.

I don't know how to accept my MLCer, but I now know why I need to accept her: Today, my very wise sister sent me an article on "Parental alienation syndrome", and it has opened my eyes. To quote wikipedia:

"Parental alienation syndrome is...a disorder in which a child, on an ongoing basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors, including indoctrination by the other parent (almost exclusively as part of a child custody dispute) and the child's own attempts to denigrate the target parent"

A Montreal psychologist, Abe Worenklein, calls parental alienation a serious form of psychological/emotional abuse that can impact significantly on future relationships and on the child’s development, and that robs the child of his/her childhood:

Worenklein explained that the themes of the alienating parent are the words and actions a parent uses to damage, and in some cases destroy, the child’s previously normal relationship with his or her other parent. Some of the themes include:

» Denying the existence of the other parent by never talking about him or her, destroying photos of the parent, changing the subject when the child mentions the parent, or not relaying the parent’s messages to the child.

» Putting the child in the middle by asking him or her to spy on the other parent, remove possessions or take important papers from the parent and child’s home.

» Attacking the parent’s career, interests, hobbies and family.

» Saying things like, “I just don’t know what’s wrong with your mother/father.”

» Threatening to withhold love or acceptance from child.

» Scaring the child into believing the other parent isn’t capable of taking care of him or her.

» Creating a new reality for the child that excludes his or her relationship with the other parent.

I am definitely guilty of a few of these myself (and we have not yet even discussed custody). As you can see, although our actions are meant to target our spouses, they are ultimately harmful to our children. It is painful to accept someone who is doing something dumb. Nevertheless, for the sake of our children, it seems like we have to. Perhaps, therein lies the answer to your last question on "on how to get past this": remind yourself that your inability to accept your MLCer is ultimately harmful to your children, then focus on the other side of the coin: that accepting the MLCer/WAS will be beneficial to your children who are, after all, the real innocent victims in all of this.

Yours in strength,

RAI