Well I don't know how you can reconcile when she is not willing to put things in the past and leave them there. Her resentment is a killer. She is not willing to forgive you of any mistakes in the past, and yet she continues to be untrustworthy. She tries to make you out to be worse than she is.
I can see how she could think you ramrodded the night shift while she was gone. Yet, it's funny how you financially help run the RH and you do all the maintenance work there, plus stay for the night shift......but it is "her" business.
I think she uses the control issue as a distraction. It takes the light off her and puts it on you. Anytime a woman takes as many trips as she does.....without giving any details or information to her H......isn't what I see as being controlled by him. You called it right, she has a secret life. She is free to do whatever she wants, and that's exactly what she's done.
She is punishing you, Peter. When you told her you couldn't take the limbo any longer and she shot back about how long she waited for you? Yep, she is paying you back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
