W still having PA with OP

[4mendmj]

Starsky...I am not putting words in your mouth good sir. I was just asking your advice and I appreciate your advice as well. In December when I told both sets of parents and then told her that night I wanted a divorce...my words were "the 2nd to the last thing in life I want is a divorce, but the thing I want less than that is to continue living in a marriage where there is another person." My problem today is... I still believe that. It is a core value as you put it. I refuse to live in a marriage where myself and my child are not a priority. My point or question then was and still is, what can I do/say (but I get that do is far more important) that changes that? You reference it as a credible threat. I am literally asking you to help me with the words...

Tonight when I get home I want to say " W, I do not think your actions of leaving our home in the morning to spend time with OW are healthy for our marriage or our child. I do not appreciate the amount of time you have been gone in the last week/month/year from our marriage and our child and....." and then I am lost. If I say "therefore I am letting you know that if you continue with the OP" I am giving an ultimatum and will be told I am controlling. If I say " therefore I am letting you know I am filing for divorce tomorrow on my day off" it seems very final (which I accept if that is what is necessary but it is not what I truly want, I want to save the marriage) I read the action based requests in DR or solution based thought process and I get what it is talking about but my new-to-this brain does simply not grasp what is the right thing to do. I want to approach her and let her know I do not appreciate her actions but I am missing the link between what I want and what is the right action to take.