Please don't cry too much, or beat yourself up too much. It's something you have to do, but I hope you don't linger...you are probably in fact pretty well adjusted, and we are all human. Your H had choices he could have made, too! In a good relationship, we all give each other that permission to be imperfect, right? Be kind to yourself as you explore. I doubt you're turning all the way into your mother...I know I don't know you at all from here, but as my IC said to me, "anyone that is aware of the term 'enabling' probably has less to fear from it than most." (This was one of her speeches on not being such a damn hard ass to my H.) Sounds like you've done a lot of work on that front with your mother already and so, even if you do need a fresh look...it's ok. You're you, not her.
About four weeks after my H turned into a cold, angry alien version of himself, I also sat on the floor, crying, miserable in my introspection. On one of our dates, I shared with him a lot of revelations I had about where I realized some behaviors were coming from and what I was going to do to keep them in check. And of course apologies for diminishing him. This brought us closer, temporarily, but he was still angry and had lost faith in the R, M and he made a very conscious decision to pull away for almost 7 weeks of NC. Even after many confusing weekends and good dates, things where things seem normal. In hindsight, I believe if he would have stayed, and we would have had more of those talks without the pressure to be in the M he hated and me sometimes losing it and crying...well, maybe not, there's no way of knowing.
During this NC time he became even angrier. He chose to give up. It's been a long, uphill climb to regain any of that trust, but in the end he suggested he come home for just a few days to get his bearings before finding a place to settle during our S...and just never left and put his ring back on after a week because he said he was feeling hope we could actually be different because I was changing. I had given him space during those 7 weeks, but after he had time to cool off, the real turning points were in being vulnerable, letting it all be about him, remaining calm and cool and in lots of conversation about what had happened to us, being soft despite a whole lot of things that made me angry, giving lover's attention during a trip to see him to talk about us face to face. Questions, nothing about me, just questions and validation (but not the mechanical kind). I went in the spirit of gaining understanding, not trying to give it (which was a huge 180). Showing him I accepted him, his choices, his feelings and saw my own. Kept 'come back to our M talk' to an absolute 1%, and he'd work himself up into enough frustration where he brought up the idea (as an impossible negative) for the first time on that trip. And then we talked about how it could work. I had one trip and one phone conversation a week later to show him there was a me that cared about his feelings more than all my indignant, angry ones, and I could accept why he didn't want to be M anymore. I showed him I was strong, balanced, still sexy and though I never beat him over the head with it, that I was prepared to move on also.
It is not easy right now. He is still angry and struggling as hard as he is trying. And I am struggling with a lot of violated trust and misgivings myself. Feeling like something was irreparably ruined. These days are tests for all the feelings of guilt and sadness, lol, bc I get fresh reminders of what an awful brat he can be, too.
But I firmly believe now what Michelle says in her book about one person changing the dynamic. Our H's looked at us to take leads at one time. Mine said to me after our talk after the fight we had a few days ago - 'when you're happy, I'm happy. When you're angry, I'm angry.'
You say your BD came out of the blue somewhat - are you sure, was there a period even further back, a year or so, when you had the sense you weren't ecstatically happy with each other even if he was still doing H things for you, with you? The OW thing Complex mentions...I think it's possible, but only bc they start looking to the idea of someone else as meeting their needs. It might only be an idea right now. My H shared his thoughts (I wish he hadn't) that only someone who wasn't me could meet his emotional needs. Truthfully I believe they gotta meet their own first, or at least know what they are and how to communicate them. But we can't control that.
You said there are no R talks these days. But have you been able to explore what H was feeling, to show him you can handle those truths without conflict, that you are interested and care about him, independent of trying to save your M?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
