Where do I go from here?

[NewB3]

Original posts here.... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469202&page=1
And
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483193&page=1
And
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2530079&page=1

Where to go from here?
Quick note:
Divorced in Aug. 14 / moved out Oct. 14 / Setting boundaries
So…..
I have worked the 180’s since May 14. I have followed Corey Wayne’s work as of the D. My C sees the same issue that I now realize. I seem to have set boundaries that have created a silent stand –off.
WAW used to come over to “pick up” S4. Create opportunities to see my place. She always had nice things to say about my home, new furniture, yard, etc. These comments where met with silence or a quick thanks. They never started a conversation. I was trying to stay out of friend zone. I occasionally would put in an email (co-parenting type) or phone call. “great to hear from you”…”good to see you”
I was invited to lunch one weekend with her and S4. My S11 was with me and she thought it would be fun. She then cancelled (see last thread for details). She still calls me when she is upset and S4 is lashing out. S4 still says “I miss my family”…etc. every time I get him.
I have tried to remain kind, but stand-offish. Cool, but friendly and keep a PMA. I have now a situation that 25yrsmlc talked about in another thread. OR so I think. I have “let go” to the best of my ability at this point.
***** ** *****
25yrsmlc mentions:(in someone else’s thread)
“NOW...and in the near future...

She wants a relationship with you as, at least, good co-parents.
She MAY also harbor self-doubt about her choice to leave.
She MAY wonder if you are changing for real, and she MAY care if you are.
I don't think ANY Woman leaving a H and child(ren) could have zero 2nd thoughts.
Absent abuse, every single mother is going to wonder if she's doing right by her kids, by leaving. (MORE ON THIS, LATER)
I think you fear that she believes or fears the following:
That if she were to come home to you, it would require way too much work on her end, and only or mostly on HER end, for her to be able to do it and maintain self-respect. = Too much shame would be heaped on her. Sort of "well life with … wasn't great anyhow, and now he'll make me pay for ever wanting out, so no thanks.
WHEREAS YOU WISH she'd come to wonder or believe that

"Wow, … is a changed man. He's a really good father. He is now the way I always wanted him to be. He's now truly the man I thought he was when I married him...
wow I wonder if we could make it work, this time...
what if I'm willing to own my part and prove my commitment to him?
What would that look like? "
That^^ is what you wish for, correct?
Because if it is, then we can advise you best that way.

Let us know”
***** ** *****

So here I am. She no longer comments on things. She always has a PA, unless she calls me crying. I have been told that I need to remember how I talked to her when we first met and did not know much about each other. Be human, talk to her…maybe invite her out to eat when I have S11 and S4. Let her see me, since she cannot when we are apart. Create that “feeling”. Not be friend zone myself….but what IF??



****** ** *****
25yrsmlc went on to say…. (in someone else’s thread)

“But I really do believe that

--Deep down, a mother of kids who love their dad, who once really did love her h as well, Will look back and wonder what might have been...

I know she will....

Be ready for when she does that, b/c 10 to 1, if you keep at this, she will.

Make sense? Got this?

***** ** *****

So I am giving her all the rope (space) she needs. However, letting go, I feel that due to my aloofness and sticking to only business, I am limiting myself from opportunities that could arise. I know this process takes time. At this point she is adjusting to schedules, getting furniture, landscaping, and planning her life. Sans relationship or appearing to not deal with me on any level.
Her reaching out for S4 scheduling always starts with hows it going? Has he been good? What did you do this weekend? My reply is honest and most of the time I make it sound better than it is. She has a hard time with him. It is hard, I have told her that to show empathy. I know it is difficult, and I am hurting and know she must be too…etc. I make my replies to her calls sound better, although I have told her that on many occasions S4 says he wants his family back, he wants all of us to live together again…he crys…etc. He has told S11 the same thing. I tell him I am sorry and that I love his mommy. I then tell him to make sure he talks to mommy and daddy about his feelings.
Hopefully, she gets to hear this hurt too!
When I have him. When I do not have him, she rarely calls, but on occasion will. When she does, I get. Hey, are you busy? Is this a good time? Do you have a minute? My reply is always PA. Yes, I have time, no I am not busy..etc.

How do I move forward and let her feel she can come to me? Non co-parent stuff? w/o being “buddies” How do I get out of this corner I am in?

[NewB3]

Not sure what to do, how to react, how to continue. I am confused and need you guys.
Today I emailed about some tax info. I used my newly adopted approach of kindness and have a nice day, thank you, and please. Treating her human....
Got a phone call within an hour. She could have emailed a reply?

Help soon. Still have questions from post above.....

[Sadie13]

I am sort of new, too, but I just wanted to say something so you know you are not alone here...

I think you may just want to think of your course of action right now as being "receptive." It's what I've been doing, and it helps. You probably don't want to come across as cold or aloof, because it is hard to connect with someone who is like that. If you are detaching and protecting yourself, then that's fine of course! But if you want to encourage connection, it might be best to not initiate, only receive. My situation is very different from yours, but for example, I have been stopping myself from touching my H all the time - but when he reaches out and touches me I smile at him gently. Or, I have been refraining from sharing interesting things I read about during the day, something I always used to do - but if he wants to talk sports news to me, I stop what I'm doing and pay attention to him.

If she asks what you have been doing, then give a short but positive answer. I am not sure you can skip the "buddies" part...maybe someone more experienced can answer that...but I think maybe being a (detached) friend for now is not a bad thing. You just have to be careful not to step too far into "supportive spouse" territory.

[NewB3]

Thanks sadie13 yes, it is a fine line. I have been cold and all business since the holidays. Time for her to see how it is without me. I do my co-parenting, but she is really to kind hearted to hurt. I am trying to be more aware.
Today, I had to call her. My taxes are not working out. I, however hesitant, reached out. While working, she spent 35 minutes helping. She removed into my computer and looked. She tweaked, but needs more time. Said she could continue this at a later time. So, I will let her come to me.
As I have before, let her reach out, but missing her after the holidays...... I turned away.

Losing my way post D......

[NewB3]

Update and questions
I had both kids this weekend. Good times. Busy Saturday morning and home that afternoon to do some grilling as they played outside. We had a big dinner and settled in for a movie that evening. WAW called Sunday AM to talk about drop off, as we do not have a set pattern, just time.
Her first question..."How's it going?" (notice the change here?) "Do you have a minute?" We talked about how my weekend with kids was good and no issues. She said that is good, maybe he will be better for me. I inquired. She said he is still lashing out at her. I showed empathy and tried to be a little easier on her. You see, she usually starts out the conversations with the "Are you busy/do you have a minute" stuff. However, since I started letting my wall down last week and trying to be more friendly, she seems to be more relaxed. My Therapist says that I tried to give her so much space after the holidays, that I put up boundaries that may be more than I think. He suggests I give her some space still, but try to make her reaching out acceptable. He said if she does still have any inkling of interest, I need to be more "available" to her. I do not need to pursue or anything, just try being not so guarded and robotic with my boundaries.
I sent HVD cards last week with pics of the boys. One for her from the little one and one each for the boys from me. Well, hers arrived early. She called this morning...the conversation went like this
WAW"hey, how's it going?" Me "good, how are you?" WAW "do you have a minute?" Me "yes, just driving to work." WAW "I just wanted to say thank you sooo much for the wonderful card." "It is such a great picture of him smiling and the words on the card are so sweet." The font/color are so pretty. " I just wanted to tell you thank you." Me "you're welcome, but that card is from him." WAW "Wel, I know, but I did not show it to him." "I knew if he saw his picture he would say it was his." "I did not want to get it messed up." Me (thinking of mentioning his card is on the way, but did not) "Glad you like it."
We chatted about her soon to be trip and so, trying to be nice, I asked her about it. She then became chatty about where and the place, and such, I tried to sound interested and tell her it sounds like a great place, etc. She made sure to tell me that her and her sister are going. Although I did not ask anything about who. Before we got off the phone, she once again said "thank you so much for that card, I just wanted you to know I loved it." I told her, you're welcome. She then went through his schedule for this week, which we both know it very well by now. I feel she was reaching out and just threw that last stuf in there to cover the card gushing. I feel the main reason she called was because of the card. She has not thanked me for anything in a long time. (see first/second threads from last year)
Am I doing this right? Am I showing enough interest? I am letting her come to me and being more personable now. It comes easy, but I do not want to over-do it. I have to remind myself that she may not be anymore than 51% interested. Acording to Corey, that means I have a chance, but be very careful.

What do you think?

[Starsky309]

Not sure what to do, how to react, how to continue. I am confused and need you guys.

OK, just my observation, and I don't know you and so it might be totally unfair, but I'll say it anyway:

Anyone who has been divorced for 6 months, and then posts a lengthy post about how to re-attract their wife, and then only 24 hours later posts again with a "I really need to know how to react!" post . . .

. . . hasn't moved on in an emotionally healthy way.

Yes, it's great (and even preferable) to have a friendly, cooperative co-parenting relationship with your ex. But this far post-bomb and post-divorce, you still strike me as somewhat co-dependent and I worry that you're not moving on in a way that's healthy for YOU.


Starsky

[NewB3]

Maybe so Starsky...you hit the nail on the head. I AM having a tough time. Moving on to me is tough. I feel I have to be "here" for me to be emotionally available. I feel I have ups and downs as anyone would in my situation. I write here through the ups and downs. (Journaling and asking questions along the way /see my previous thread)
You said: "Anyone who has been divorced for 6 months, and then posts a lengthy post about how to re-attract their wife, and then only 24 hours later posts again with a "I really need to know how to react!" post . . .

Let's see here. I am just getting to where I can feel normal again (defined by me). I miss her and have not been very friendly, but have done co-parenting well. I simply want to feel free of my thoughts. Free of keeping on this mask of "I'm mad at you and am not willing to let you be around me or let you back in". Truth is, I want her to feel free to reach out, but I know she understands that this is not a buddy. I can walk away, but must leave the door open. Leave this in a good place so that should she feel she wants to reach out, she does not feel shut out.
Just trying to navigate my thoughts and feelings the best I can.

[Starsky309]

I know, and I know it's damned hard. I just think you're giving her way too much valuable prime real estate in your head.

If you focus more on yourself -- your own passions, interests -- not only will you be happier and a better person, but it does carry the "double bonus" of being attractive to a woman, be that your ex-wife or someone else.

Starsky

[NewB3]

WOW, Thanks for that Starsky. Getting out of my head happens, just 22.5 hours a day. Then there are the reminders of what we had and where we failed.
We were 110% attracted to many things about each other. We got lost in the life of things and communications failed. She pulled the plug and here we are. Feel free to go back and see my threads. I value your input and will take whatever time it takes to get to that relationship discussion with her. However, I know she has to come to me with that.
Just leaving the door open and the light on. Otherwise I would hate myself for punishing her. She is a good person.

[Starsky309]

Have you started dating at all yet? Even maybe just in GROUPS, like MeetUp kind of stuff, with people of shared interests?

I'm all for leaving the light on and the door open a crack. Just know that some of us are gonna poke you in the nose if we see you sticking it thru the crack constantly.