Yes it is healthy to bond with your partner's family. Eventually they would become yours. Don't overthink this. If your W disagrees, that's her problem. Not yours.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
This is just another case of CAE - crazy-a$$ explanation.
WASs look for something - anything - to explain their inexplicable behavior. The better a spouse you were, the crazier the stuff they latch on to.
One 5'8 125 lb woman was told she was too overweight.
My ex told me I "walked too heavy" - and taught our DAUGHTER to walk too heavy!!! (Now, mind you, I asked all my friends and family if I had some weird gate disturbance and they all said no; but if by chance i DID walk too heavy, and my daughter did too, wouldn't you think it was GENETIC, not learned???????)
People have been told all kinds of crazy things like some completely minor incident 20 years ago.
Odds are she LIKED you being close with her family - until she started cheating and now it is a liability because her family is less likely to believe crazy lies about how this is all your fault.
You need to remember that W is in a fog on top of MLC. She's lost in the mist like I was for 5 years. It will be a while before the mist dissipates and she'll, hopefully, gain some clarity at some point.
Until then, get the hell out of her way as much as possible. Although I am with you on the honesty part. Yet MLCers have trouble being honest or forthright. I should know because I wasn't transparent or truthful about my own XOW.
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
So basically, instead of allowing me (her partner) to develop healthy family bonding with her family members, she's been jealous all of these years of the healthy bonds that we have developed... Normal, healthy bonding that most people would WANT their partner/spouse to develop with their family members. Am I wrong about this?
That type of jealousy stems from insecurity that her family's affections might...gasp...switch out from her to you completely. Which as you probably know is a total falsehood and a faulty thought process that she's somehow internalized over time. Or it could be a sudden attack of re-writing your marital history.
It is her issue to work through herself. Absolutely has zero correlation to you or who you are. Families are a minefield enough and then you add to this mix a new partner/spouse. Oh boy! One messy spaghetti factory of clashing FOO issues.
This is her issue... I didn't break her and I can't fix her...
Feeling a lot of anger though this morning because if this is true (and I do believe that it is), then I've never really been given a fair chance in this entire relationship/marriage... She has never been able to really communicate with me and has apparently never dealt with at least one of her own major issues that she has allowed to drive a wedge between us.
But all I can do now is work on "my masterpiece..." :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
You're missing my point. It isn't true. It's something she pulled out of her arse now because she couldn't come up with any rational reason why she's blowing up your family. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship to her family, just ss my ex's MLC had nothing to do with the sound of my footsteps.
You're missing my point. It isn't true. It's something she pulled out of her arse now because she couldn't come up with any rational reason why she's blowing up your family. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship to her family, just ss my ex's MLC had nothing to do with the sound of my footsteps.
I understood you. But in a way, I do think some of it is true. She mentioned at least one incident that did really happen -- that didn't even included me -- that I do remember where she exhibited some possessiveness over her family and not wanting to share her time with them.
Now that she has revealed this, I do think she might finally be looking at some of her own real issues... but she is incorrect to project those on to me or onto why our relationship/marriage doesn't work. So yes, your point about bringing it up now is relevant -- as is the point that Wonka made (I think) about how she might also be using this now because her family really knows me and knows that I'm not a bad person who has made my W's life miserable for nearly 10 years. Her family knows that we've been a very happy couple/family and they have witnessed how much she has loved me over those years. I think this is all so complicated -- but yes, she is just using this as another excuse.
Here is why I think some of this is true though -- the family members and incidents she referenced yesterday only include one side of her family... The side of her family she didn't grow up with and only saw about once per year.
She grew up with her mom and stepdad -- both of whom are only children... So she didn't grow up seeing a model of a large extended family where in-laws were embraced and included in the whole family. I did grow up in that model -- My parents were divorced, but both came from very large families and I saw many examples of how husbands and wives were welcomed into the family as siblings as if they'd grow up in the family. I saw examples of how my dad's family still loved and considered my mother family even after they divorced -- including my mom and my dad's mom remaining best friends until my grandmother passed away. I had examples of being close to my cousins' other sets of grandparents and spending time at their houses. I grew up with a model where families were enlarged and enhanced by marriage. My W did not grow up with this model at all. Her family unit was very small with no cousins, aunts, or uncles on her mom's side -- and this is the family that she spent the majority of her life with. And she is really an only child -- with a couple of step-siblings and a couple of half-siblings (but she didn't grow up with the half-siblings).
Again -- we grew up with different models... But this doesn't make this a good excuse for her anger at me. Instead, what should have happened is years ago when she first started to feel jealous or angry over my growing relationships with her family, she should have engaged me in a discussion about it so it could be addressed -- and I probably would have asked that we go to some counseling over it considering the vast differences in how we grew up and what models we were exposed to while growing up so that we could come to some agreeable mutual understanding of a healthy way to move forward in growing together as a family instead of letting that anger, jealously, and resentment grow and fester inside of her for years.
Too late for all of that now...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
FWIW -- her behavior last night and this morning towards me -- after all of these new revelations -- has been what I consider "gentle"... No monster... She has avoided eye contact, but she has been almost like her old self when speaking to me (tone of voice) just without the love and affection. The only exception to this was when she said goodnight to me last night -- but saying that to me every night seems to really be a struggle for her since BD.
Last night after she told me goodnight and left our room, she sent me a text message a few minutes later asking how our D5 was feeling (the one who has been sick). I gave her an update and we exchanged a few very nice TMs about the situation and our concern for D5.
So a definite and noticeable change in behavior. No, I am not interpreting this as a sign that she is going to come home tonight and tell me that she's made a horrible mistake and wants to now work on things... But I do notice a change in behavior which means something yesterday has impacted her in some way which has, at least for now, diminished monster -- and that is the opposite of what I expected when I made the decision to gently confront her about the trip and ask for the honesty.
Not really sure how to interpret the change in behavior... so for now I'm just taking note of it and noting the interactions/conversations we had yesterday which led to the change in behavior.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
