There was another wise poster here named Pearlharbr, who still pops in from time to time (especially if I shine my big "Puppy Light" up in the sky, lol), and if you can dig up her old threads they are GOLD. Although she wasn't (yet) married, she had a long-time boyfriend who was wayward, and Pearl did as masterful a job as anyone I've ever seen on here of executing the whole "THIS will be the type of man I have in my life going forward; whether or not YOU can be that man is completely up to you -- please let me know" thing.
Here's a letter she wrote him that is pitch-perfect:
Pearlharbr's letter to her exBF:
xBF,
During these past five months I have looked long and hard at myself and what I want for my life from this point forward. Here are some of the conclusions I have reached:
I want to be with someone who wants to continually strive to be a better person and have a better relationship. I want a man who can and does communicate with me. I want someone who is honest with me and himself.
I deserve to be with someone who will come to me and not turn to another woman when the going gets tough. I want someone who doesn't make excuses about inappropriate contact because there is no such contact at all. Ever.
I need someone who doesn't just say he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn my trust but who makes a plan and follows through with actions that will reassure me. I want a man who goes out of his way to make me feel safe. I want and deserve to be with someone who is willing to crawl through broken glass for me.
I realized that I want and need to be wooed. I want romance, I want fun, I want a man who is thoughtful. I want to feel like the man I am with wants me for me, not just as part of a comfortable life. I want to be with someone who recognizes all I have to offer and who wants to show me why he is the best man for me.
I need to be honest here--I am not sure that is who you are, or the type of man you are. I realized that I didn't feel those things from you or get those things with you before. I will not settle for anything less this time. If "we" can't have that in our relationship, then I am not interested in seeing where this goes because I know I will not be happy. When I love a man I am willing to give him my all, but I am not going to do it with ANY man who can't seem to give those things back. I now know that there are men out there who want to do those things for their women. I just am not sure that is who you are. I don't feel right now that I am willing to give much to you because of those reasons. This is nothing against you for being who you are and I know that you have things you need too, but I just wanted to be honest and not give any false hope here.
