She told me about her week with a bunch of girls. Story seemed truthful - no inconsistencies. Then I told her about my week. At ten past nine she said I'm late for my night shift so I told her I made other arrangements to cover it. She blew a gasket.
Yes I fear her wrath - and wrath it was. I tried to tell her I can't take it any more. And that I can't take the limbo any more and she said what about her, how long did she live in limbo waiting for me. That one sort of took me by surprise. I told her I want nothing more than to have a happy marriage with her. But I can't take the limbo any more. She said she needs time. I said she can take her time but when she's ready to come back then I might be gone. She took that as a threat. I told her it was just me trying to survive.
She kept going on about me making decisions about her business without consulting her. That it is exactly that same behaviour that drove us apart - me thinking I know better than her. She feels disrespected, worthless and a failure and if she can't get out of that funk then suicide is an option. I repeated that I just want our marriage to be whole again. I told her I was sorry for all the things I did to break us apart, and she said she was sorry for the A.
We hugged and kissed and exchanged ILYs and she went to bed and I went to the couch.
She got up this morning in a foul mood. She didn't get to sleep until 4am and got up at 6am. I slept from midnight until 5am.
I told her our MC has an opening today if she wants it. She said I'm trying to control her. I just said that if she needed to talk to MC it was available. I wasn't telling her to go. She left for work at the RH with a cold goodbye and no kiss.
When she was venting I was trying to stand up against the blowback, but it's hard not to try to mitigate the fury by issuing placating statements, or giving justifications and reasons for my actions. I know. I should just STFU. But yeah, I'm still standing.
I told her this morning we've got to stop hurting each other. She only heard "I've gotta stop hurting you". She didn't understand that she is hurting me. I explained that her secret life is hurting me. She just said, see, you just trying to control me. WTF?
I feel like telling her, "Back in May I said no more R talk until the A is over and the OM is out of our lives completely. Then you came back and told me it was over and I believed you. But I will repeat it again. No more R talk until I know the A is over." She'll claim it's over. Then I'll say prove it. And she'll say I'm trying to control her. Round & round we go.
You see what I mean by when I say I'm done. I don't want it to be over, but I can't see a way back in.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
