Thanks Gwen - I don't feel strong or wise, like everyone else just bumbling along - making mistakes but dusting myself off and moving on to the next thing which I hope works out better! We have no choice but to carry on do we - whats the alternative? I have made some doozy bad decisions over the past few months (But they have all lead to an experience and life lesson) - hopefully one day I will look back on this time and think "wow, I got through all that"!
So received another email from H, this time about s20. Also included a little insight to a few bills he has currently got - which are of no consequence to me, it was just him trying to tell me why he can't loan s20 any money right now.
I did not reply straight away (I remember reading advise from Vets here that if it is not important that they receive a reply straight away then leave it) so I emailed him back today, which with time difference he wont get until tomorrow his time - meaning 36hrs after his email.
I just said that I am not keen to encourage a loan for s20, he has to learn to save for the things he wants/needs. I also wrote that I was concerned about his prediction that s18 will ditch his course and whilst he has over the years tested our parenting capabilities to there limits, he has been through a lot over the past few months and he is only 18yrs so we need to still guide him as best we can through these choppy waters of early adulthood. I stated that I appreciate that it is him on the ground with them both at the moment and I don't have as much contact as i would like to, but that they are and always will be my priority.
I left it there. Signed off my usual - much love, L x
I felt it was too the point - nothing taxing or demanding of him. No questions. I was happy with what I said and really pleased that I took the time to formulate my reply.
I know that this is all about keeping expectations at zero and not reading anything in to any contact - good or bad - but it is very hard not to analyze things as I am only human (and a women!) I don't know why he has contacted me now, what prompted it - but I am pleased that he feels he can communicate with me still and I am still there in the background. Nothing in his emails really needed saying to me - he has not felt the need to talk to me about any of their other ups and downs over the past few months - so why now I ask myself. Is it just checking in, just seeing if I am still there. Is it him testing the waters as a build up to giving me bad news ... I know this is a futile exercise - one that will only drive me insane - but while that little ray of hope is still in my heart, anything from him will continue to fuel it.
So latest on my plans - because hey, this is supposed to be about me and not him ;o) My B partner has unfriended me on f/b so I will no longer receive updates and photos of my Niece :o( . So much has come out about her since I left - and yes job, my brother is a wuss - in fact I think she has brainwashed him and also holding the threat of leaving him taking their daughter who he absolutely adores with her. Its such a sad situation but I have enough of my own problems without getting involved with his. I digress. So I am currently house sitting for 2 weeks, then going to London with a girlfriend for a few days, then I am now thinking of returning to NZ. I am in the throws of sorting my removals (the most well travelled belongings in the world lol) and then its just choose a date and book a flight.
I have contacted people back home and organised references so I can get a small rental, have feelers out for jobs and a temporary place to stay when I first arrive. My priority is me and my boys now - I miss them terribly and feel very detached from all that is going on with them - My life has been in a flat spin since h left, I have slowed down at times but then sped up again - its time to stop, become a grown up, accept that this has happened and get on with it. I have worked out I have enough finances now (if I am good) to get me back to NZ and rent a small flat for 6 months without worrying. That gives me 6 months to get a job.
Coming back here has been a blast, I have reconnected with friends, met my niece, partied, danced, pounded the beach. I have learnt how to rollerskate, laughed ....cried bucket loads of tears .... lost my family. I have drunk my bodyweight in alcohol, met beautiful people, gained 5 more friends for f/b, stuck up to a bully and realised where I want to be. This has been the worst but the best experience and I am pleased I have done it ....despite it being financial craziness and losing my brother and niece (hopefully temporarily) What I lost in money, I gained in strength, courage and friends.
