Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

[gan]

Thanks Toots and Lisa, and welcome Toots (don't think you've posted here before).

You ask a good question (Why do i need something more to keep me going?) This is what I posted on Lisa's thread earlier today which goes a little way to explaining how I feel at the moment:

It's 8 months separation to the day for me (so ~9 months post BD). I just feel like I've hit a wall and need some clarity. Things are coming to a head on many other people's threads that I've been keeping track of since I joined (Maybell, Ss, Calibri, Mozza). As for my own sitch, I feel like this could go on indefinitely...and I'm not ok with that.
...
I feel like all that's left for me to do is move on and make myself be ok with the prospect of dating. Once that happens I feel like it is game over for H. He either beats me to the finish line or he doesn't.

While I appreciate fully than many (most) here have gone through the pain of finding out stuff through friends, FB etc....I on the other hand feel like I am living in a vacuum. I have nothing external to my own thoughts and feelings that help me know what is going on and the scope of what I am trying to heal from. It would be useful to have more information before going those last 10 yards.

GAL is not a problem for me - lots going on - and generally I don't worry about what he's up to. Haven't got enough to go on! I'm just starting to go a bit stir crazy with the lack of movement on my sitch and what that means for me (do I commit to those last 10 years or don't I).

[jim0987]

Hi Ganb8te,

I think you know that Toots and Lisa are right on this in that emailing your friend is going to do much good for your frame of mind and might make your friend feel uncomfortable. On an international diplomacy equivalent front it would be like Australia asking the USA what the UK is up to (which is a question that we in the UK regularly ask)

If it helps run through all the permutations of what they might say from the 'he's just confused' through to the 'he's decided that he is going to live in mountains wearing a flamingo umbrella for a hat and insists he is one fith unicorn'

which of these would help you? how would they help you?

I'm just starting to go a bit stir crazy with the lack of movement on my sitch and what that means for me (do I commit to those last 10 years or don't I).

I get that, things arent the same for me obviously but i can imagine how frustrating that would feel. But would you really rather have some of the developments that are happening in other situations?

He either beats me to the finish line or he doesn't.

What do you see as the finish line? and do you see it as a race? (i've unsurprisingly got my own thoughts on this but I'd like to know yours)

I feel like this could go on indefinitely...and I'm not ok with that.

So what are you going to do about it?

You can GAL like crazy but are you GAL'g to feel the time until your H makes a decision or comes back? or are you GAL'g to mean that you have movement in your life as whole and to find meaning and happiness that you most definitely deserve?

Ignoring H for a second, what are your goals and what can you plan to do that gives you something to look forward to with genuine excitment and no apprehension?



Sorry just realised i've kind of bombarded you with lots of questions

[gan]

On an international diplomacy equivalent front it would be like Australia asking the USA what the UK is up to (which is a question that we in the UK regularly ask)

Exactly. Sharing intelligence. Happens all the time

which of these would help you? how would they help you?

If he's done then I will commit to moving on and get myself mentally ready to date. If not, then I will do what I can to keep the door open (which in my view, excludes dating....at least for a little while longer).

But would you really rather have some of the developments that are happening in other situations?

Point taken. No. But there is certainly some appeal to being able to see things more clearly.

What do you see as the finish line? and do you see it as a race? (i've unsurprisingly got my own thoughts on this but I'd like to know yours)

In this context, I meant: finish line = ready for next R. If I get to the finish line and he's no where to be seen then I will start dating. Not in a vindictive way, but in moving my life forward kind of way - I want to share in life's adventures with someone. At the moment I feel like I may need to load my saddle with weights to give me a bit of a handicap.

So what are you going to do about it?

Ah, the million dollar question. If I knew the answer Jim, I wouldn't be here.

I do know that I have meaning and happiness in my life. Always did (but for this little detour a few months ago). GAL is not an attempt by me to buy time. Everything I am doing now I intend to continue with. For the things that will come to an end, I'll find something new to try after that. GAL is not just a distraction for me, it is my life. Oh, wait...

[gan]

ISTJ - "They desire closure in their lives, and once they have made a decision, they become resistant to change unless they see the necessity of the change."

You see where I am going with that. There's an internal battle going on.

[jim0987]

That could be quite some battle..... I hope they are using pugil sticks

I have enough of a battle with what type i am, I normally score as INTJ but occassionally ENTJ but based on the descriptions i've read i identify most with INTP (definately NT though)

In this context, I meant: finish line = ready for next R. If I get to the finish line and he's no where to be seen then I will start dating. Not in a vindictive way, but in moving my life forward kind of way - I want to share in life's adventures with someone. At the moment I feel like I may need to load my saddle with weights to give me a bit of a handicap.

I really like this thought. To me it says a lot of really good an important things particularly the bit in red.

I asked edz this the other day. If you knew 100% that H wasnt coming back and you had that 'necessity of change' what would you do tonight/tomorrow/this week that would be different?

OK and so if you did that what about that would stop you reconcilling if your H turned up tomorrow begging for you to take him back?

I ask because sometimes the best way to move on is to move on, and you never know that might just be what brings them with you.

ISTJs need to remember to take care of themselves - their stubborn dedication to stability and efficiency can compromise those goals in the long term as others lean ever-harder on them, creating an emotional strain that can go unexpressed for years, only finally coming out after it's too late to fix.

[Zelda09]

I would echo all these wise ppl - no to an email. Too easy to forward and misunderstand. Friends usually feel sticky bout this stuff too, but if it's a close one, that was tight with you both, maybe hang out with him/her and not make an ask right away, see if the conversation about you guys is something they are interested in or passive about. I was lucky that my H's friend inserted himself, but most people don't like the middle. Kind of made me wonder what good all that promise of support was at a wedding :-/

G, when was the last time you and your H got together for some eye contact and what not? You mentioned the idea a while back, I think before the concert observance. Right now I'm a hammer and everything looks like a nail to me but if NC isn't doing it, and you feel strong and solid and GAL...just saying.

[Vanilla]

Gan

You can add my vote of no to the email. There is no guarrantee of impartiality and anything else has little value.

Moving on is your choice. Choose is a very strong word, if H is open to R then that can be another choice but make it your choice.

If you are choosing to leave the door open then do so because you want to do so. Do this in addition to any other actions you want to take.

Gan is strong and has DB principles well established, is becoming the best she can be.

V

[Vanilla]

So?

The email? All agog.......

V

[gan]

So, the email. I ended up just sending a "Hi how are you this is what I'm up to" email. Dropped in a "Haven't seen H since December so not looking good, unfortunately" amongst other things. No reply yet but she's a busy lady with 2 young kids so I'm not sweating it (we were in text contact a couple of weeks ago).

[gan]

I feel the need to give a GAL report first so that my subsequent comments don't look like I'm fussing too much over H:
- spent last weekend on family farm
- Monday night - yoga
- Tonight - met with 3 random people with a view for forming a team for Oxfam Trailwalker (100km in 48hrs, August). Scheduled a couple of training walks. Bonus yoga after that
- Tomorrow night - yoga
- Thurs - dinner for work
- Fri - trivia with new people from work
- Weekend friends coming over and hopefully yoga workshop
- Booked trip to London + Amsterdam for much of March (holiday + conference)

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

So, DB buddies. Right now I feel like I am only applying a fraction of DR, namely LRT. I've stopped the chase (pretty much went cold turkey since June 2014), I've got a life (see above) and I am waiting and watching.

Last time I met up with H was 22 Dec. Last contact was 6 Jan (I text him for his b'day, he replied a week later, I didn't reply). We seem to be in a pattern of meetups ~2-3 months with very little communication in between. When we meet, he seems ambivalent and not detached (e.g. he was frustrated by my GAL plans), light convo is difficult for him. I don’t know if there is OW. Not once has he mentioned D (we can file early May).

The rule is do what works. So the $million question is: is this not working or is it not long enough? Do I need to experiment with a different approach? If so, what? I could use an outsiders perspective...