Go Old Dog! Great job with the running - you are quite the greyhound aren't you?
Good job with your W too. It's good to see OD more sure of himself. A little more of that guy striding along the street today....let's see more of him.
Nice that you got to go bowling - but shame you got your butt kicked! Now, relax and enjoy your evening, and very best of luck for the interview tomorrow :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Me - I said I had plans this weekend so I won’t be back. I realise it’s your birthday and it’s unfortunate but it’s something I want to do. WAW - I wish you had told me this before. Me - Well I’m telling you now. WAW - I was planning on going to London to see a friend. Me - I’m sorry, I didn’t knowthat. Perhaps you can arrange it for the week after.
Then she decided to escalate.
WAW - It’s also unfortunate what happened yesterday when I asked you about dropping you off at your mum’s and then picking you up again and you said no. Although I enjoy the time on my own I was left without the car. I never do that to you. After you came back yesterday, S12 came up to ask me why I didn’t go. And I didn’t have an answer for him and it breeds anxiety.
I have never left you without the car. The day before I asked if you had any plans to use the car and you said yes you wanted to go to the shops to look for shoes. I wanted to use the car (to go and see OM) but said I would go later.
I was a bit annoyed that she came too: I didn’t enjoy going at all and I didn’t get what I wanted. And I did have plans although I didn’t voice them a the time nor this time, but I’d spoken to S12 about perhaps going to the cinema or bowling.
Me - Oh that’s rich, you do do it. Uh oh bad DBing. You often don’t tell me you’re going out until the last minute. The other week when you stayed out overnight, I didn’t know about that until you were walking out the door.
Then she got all defensive and angry advancing towards me.
WAW - I did tell you, we were here in the kitchen when I told you. I said I was going to the theatre and as it was in xxxx city, I wouldn’t be back. Me - I’m not talking literally about last minute Although she has done this as well. But I didn’t know until that day Maybe an hour or two’s notice. WAW - Well I was away at the awards ceremony … Which I took a day off for so she could go … and I didn’t want to tell you over the phone. She hardly ever phones anyone except her mum. It’s always text. She doesn’t want to speak to people. I’ve mentioned this to her before. Why don’t you call? You can have a two minute phone conversation instead of a 10 minute text exchange. She said she doesn’t want to speak to them. WAW - It’s difficult because I know how much it hurts you.
Me - What have you told the kids about seeing him? WAW - They know I go to see him. We explained our situation to them back in October, they know what’s happening. They know I go to see OM occasionally.
I still contend they do not, or didn’t, know the full extent. Now I have told them she is seeing OM and I’m not happy about it, it makes me upset.
I also broached the financial bit which I said I wasn’t going to do just yet but … oh well.
Me - I won’t be paying so much into the joint account. Me - If you go to see him, I don’t want you pay out of the joint account. I notice you paid for a train ticket out of the joint account when you stayed out overnight the other week. WAW - (Looking confused) I wouldn’t do that. Me - I wasn’t checking up on you, I just wanted to see what our outgoings were and I noticed it. If you use the car I want you to pay for your own petrol.
WAW - I have to go to work now but clearly we need to discuss this properly.
Throughout all this I maintained eye contact, kept calm, even when she clearly got angry with me but not much validation I now realise. She obviously feels she is being reasonable and fair about it.
Just booked my counselling session/life coaching for tomorrow. I briefly explained the situation and what I want out of it. And then cried after I got off the phone.
What do you think of the colour coding? Cool eh? :-)
Last edited by Old Dog; 02/09/1510:28 AM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
The interview went I thought. Not as much money as I'd hoped though. It's not the job I'd really want. The fella with that job emailed me saying he's really busy and he'll get back to me. Hurry up dude.
But I am bricking it about what WAW is going to come up with now.
She is very good at analysing situations, remembering conversations, getting things in order etc.
She will come up with a solution to the car sharing issue. And she left the joint bank account screen open on the iPad when she came for lunch I notice, so she checked what I said about the train ticket.
Last edited by Old Dog; 02/09/1503:14 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Glad the interview went well. Even if it is not the job you want, it will be a confidence boost to be offered.
You only have to enforce your boundary OD, that you will not pay for W to see OM. That W must carry that cost herself.
W may need a car of her own, her car her cost. You have IC tomorrow so a good quality discussion will really assist you in putting your thoughts together.
I remembered a site for teenagers which had a session on boundaries on it, so please excuse the simplicity but I rather liked it. It refers to castles moats and soldiers but the idea I liked the best was the minimum effective boundary enforcement idea. The concept that boundaries need to be kept monitored. There are some very good resources on boundaries. This one is for young adults.
My observations on your interaction. When describing your boundary there is no need to explain. If the boundary is reasonable to you then just keep to the statement of it and you need no extraneous wording. No need to be drawn into a discussion on your boundary.
You want to be away for her birthday, so that is a desire so you can protect yourself and go GAL. I trust lots of GAL if there is a carnival.
Your boundary may be: W I feel very hurt when you disappear on key dates like family birthdays and I want a family event on those dates and I have decided that I will not babysit on key dates so that you can persue an affair.
Another boundary might be: It is against my principles to lie to our children and when you visit OM and the children ask about you then I will answer their questions honestly.
Another boundary: I feel capable of purchasing shoes for my children and in future I will do so. If I require advice from you then I will ask.
No doubt you can discover your boundary for yourself with IC help. What is reasonable to me may be unreasonable to you etc. you will have your own voice OD.
If w is very good at putting things in order etc and you are apprehensive about it then just defer until you have your thoughts in order. It is perfectly ok to do so.
If you are getting upset then it is a sure sign that a boundary is being breached and you may not know what it is. You could try googling reverse babble or mirror back as techniques for dealing with discussions when the other party wants to rationalise their behaviour to make the unreasonable seem reasonable. But OD the important thing is that OD is looking after OD. You will be glad you did.
Thinking of you for tomorrow IC.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 02/10/1512:08 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for the boundary link V. I've seen mention of castles befoe and wonderd what it was.
My boundaries. I'm having real touble with this Saturday as I'm the one that won't be there. I have no evidence that she wants to see OM on that day either.
The shoes one, I think she would have let me buy them with S12 but she explained that she wanted to come to look for clothes for S15.
I'll have to read what Al Turtle says.
And now, we had long (22 mins is long for us) which I'll have to try and document, but the gist of it was she still wants me to be part of the 'family' as a father to the boys, she has no intention of replacing me in that role but she is as adamant as ever, our arriage has run it's course, it's over and she doesn't want to try to save it.
Very dispiriting.
Last edited by Old Dog; 02/10/1507:36 AM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
"she still wants me to be part of the 'family' as a father to the boys"
Hi OD - that sounds like she still wants you to hang on in there, doing all the stuff that makes her life a bit easier. Keep the family together, and when it suits me, I'll go off and see my OM. Sounds a bit 'fantasy' to me.
You will always be a father to your boys - whether your W wants that or not. But whether you operate as a 'family' right now - given her waywardness - is up to you. My H wanted us to still get together for family time when he was having an A and we had S. I told him no. I'm not willing to spend 'family' time with you whilst you have an A with someone else.
I have kept in regular touch with my SS and his Mum separately though. I guess what I'm trying to say is - sounds like she wants to continue with her A, and there not be implications - but it's up to you how this works going forwards (and this is where boundaries come in...)
Last edited by Toots; 02/10/1507:53 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My boundaries. I'm having real touble with this Saturday as I'm the one that won't be there. I have no evidence that she wants to see OM on that day either.
quick question. why do see this as a boundary issue?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
