Gogofo - LRT letter - planning a new beginning

[gogofo]

Set up lunch tomorrow with my L friend to give a quick look over my D papers to see if there is anything in there that I should worry about and to make sure I understand the process. Information is power.

Found myself feeling up and down again today. Angry feelings towards my W for choosing to get a D. Right now I feel like she's a quitter. I know only she can control what she does, but I am disappointed in her. Sometimes I feel she is being lured away by the appeal of an EA and the false hope it brings. When I think about it it brings up paranoia. Other times I put that possibility on the pay no mind list and don't worry about if it is happening or not.

I have been holding strong not snooping, but I think I have her email password. I need to hold strong and not look at it. Snooping is fun but in the end it will only hurt me and mess with any detachment I have developed.

I know there is always the future, but I need to let go of that hope. I don't want to have false hope that she will come back and want to work on us.

She was busy tonight and fired up about having to get things done for a bake sale and has a paper due tomorrow. She was on edge when in the kitchen and with the kids tonight. She got snippy with me but I just grinned and laughed, for quite a while. Not maliciously, but playfully. She entertains me when she is like that, always has. I doubt she could find many people who would understand her when she is in those moods.

I guess some of my anger comes from my preconceptions about people that D. I always thought that they would be at each other's throats. I have a difficult time accepting that we have a relationship that is not able to be repaired and improved.

I figured out my monthly net pay but was not asked by my W what it was. Should I freely offer this information to her? Last time I held back on something like this she thought I was manipulating her.

I just don't think I need to be the one to remind her or freely offer up info like this unless she asks. She is the one that wants the D, why should I help expedite the process?

I would appreciate comments on this. Thanks

[Barrybran]

Why does your wife need to know your monthly net pay? As long as you can pay your half of the bills and meet child support payments, she doesn't need to know anything else, in my opinion.

I understand the feeling of disappointment. Don't lose hope. By all means, drop the rope, but don't lose hope until you're prepared to move on. You can move forward, and lead a happy, healthy life, without moving on.

[gogofo]

She needs to know the net pay because the state I live in uses both parents' net pay in some sort of formula to determine what the child support amount should be.

I honestly don't give a cr@p about any of that stuff. What matters to me is the marriage.

The part I am struggling the most with is the "doing nothing" action that I am using not. It seems defeating and feels like she has me over a barrel with the D. If I do not agree to it then it goes to lawyers the I will surely lose out more than with this agreement.

I don't like it and have more to give, but I don't have any other options. She is done and I can't stop it. I need to just keep moving forward.

[sandi2]

She wanted me to leave two weeks ago when she thought I was trying to manipulate her. I did not tell her the day I received the dissolution papers from her L. She thought I was trying to delay and prolong the process (manipulate her), I thought her L had notified her.

All through your stitch you have been too afraid to let go. In the process, you held a tight grip on her. I think the best thing to do now is to really let go of her. You don't need to tell her you are letting go, okay? She will know if you do.

[gogofo]

All through your stitch you have been too afraid to let go. In the process, you held a tight grip on her. I think the best thing to do now is to really let go of her. You don't need to tell her you are letting go, okay? She will know if you do.

That would be me, too afraid to let go. Even right now I spend my nights reading relationship books. I am killing myself emotionally. I need to stop looking for her reactions and just move on.

This will be hard and take practice, but the first thing I think I need to do is stop reading books and just relax for a while. Take a break from trying to DB the M and let go.

It is making me teary to write this, but I know that it is what I have to do. I need to change my perception that letting go is not the same as giving up. When I started to DB I knew I would do every thing I possibly could to work on the M. This makes letting go HARD.

It is scary to think that "if you love it set it free, if it returns it truly loves you."

I am really going to miss her.

[gogofo]

Again, not going to lie, I need a script or description of how I should interact with W after letting go.

I am scared I am so emotionally invested in not letting go that I will revert back to old tendencies.

I need some tips or ideas because right now I am feeling emotionally flooded and having a hard time coming up with ideas.

thanks everyone

[LITB]

gogofo,

Forgive me, as I am not up to speed on your sitch. Just reading your last few posts. You are clearly paralyzed with fear.

What exactly are you afraid of?

You probably know by now, that you need to let go in order to move forward.

[gogofo]

What exactly are you afraid of?

I don't know.

I know I built up false hope that she would change her mind if I pulled the pressure off.

I guess I am scared that this is the end. I am hurt that the love I feel for my W does not matter anymore. I am stuck on only wanting to love my W and mother of my children, not a new person. I am scared how this will effect our children. I am hurt and scared.

I understand the hurt, but I don't know why I feel scared. Maybe I am scared that now I have to move on and it is not my decision.

[LITB]

I know I built up false hope that she would change her mind if I pulled the pressure off.

I am guessing that you have made other changes, aside from relieving the pressure? What is different about you today, from when you got here? What are the changes that would motivate her to reconsider?

I guess I am scared that this is the end. I am hurt that the love I feel for my W does not matter anymore. I am stuck on only wanting to love my W and mother of my children, not a new person. I am scared how this will effect our children. I am hurt and scared.

Your W knows that you are there for her is she so chooses. There isn’t a whole lot of motivation for her to reconsider under this scenario.

gogofo, are you happy with who you are? Not what your W or anyone else thinks of you. This begins with you.

I can relate to you when it comes to your children, and that sukks.

[gogofo]

I am guessing that you have made other changes, aside from relieving the pressure? What is different about you today, from when you got here?

I have made numerous changes over the last year. Most of it were actionable items like helping around the house, planning dates, planning trips, making quality time, improved listening skills, developing empathy, listening to her ideas and wants more (still need improvement here). She has acknowledged my improvements when she felt positive about our R.

Where we needed improvement was emotional intimacy. I started to try to share and it was right at the end of our latest attempt. She gave the line of "this is great, but it is too late." I suspect that she was starting to share emotionally with a male co-worker again during this time.

The reason I am focusing on the pressure or pursuing issue is that she said she felt that she had no relief with anything in her life. School, work, kids, reconciliation, everything. She even had a dream that she was being drug underwater and couldn't swim.

Her last complaint was that she felt forced by me to work on the relationship. She wasn't comfortable with the pace. I would pursue, she would withdraw, I would increase pursuit, she would withdraw more. Passion trap describes our relationship pretty close.

I would have autonomy when we were separated and then start to give it up when we would get together. I would get too involved in trying to "fix" the relationship.

What are the changes that would motivate her to reconsider?

This I am not sure about and where I have been stressing myself way too much about. Not healthy.

I have still been acting like a husband to her. Doing house work like before, supporting her and her crazy schedule like before. We are basically interacting like a married couple without any intimacy. We have had a couple evenings sitting on the couch talking after she has filed D papers.

I think that healthy distancing might make her reconsider.

Yesterday I came home and she was stressed to high heavens. She had our two boys and two nieces running around the house. She had to make a phone call interview for a 5 page paper she had to write. We have repair issues with the house we are selling that could void the contract. Then she had to get ready for teaching her night courses.

She started to talk to me and was very stressed and apologized for being that way. She told me about the house issues and then kicked the kids outside to do the phone interview with no luck.

Bang, stress now even greater as the paper is due that night. I heard her conversation and actually could help her with what she needed so I sat down and helped her out. Then got up and finished cooking the dinner for the kids she started so she could write her paper.

When she finished she came and apologized about her mood, etc. I listened and then asked about the "incompetence" in the people she tried to interview. Then I just continued to listen.

What I did well was not offering solutions unless asked. She needed help with her paper, I could sense that. Where I laid off was I usually ask what else I can do to help her. I didn't this time, I just worked on listening and validating.

I brought all the kids back in and got them ready for dinner etc. When she came back in she told me a couple of time "I can do this" or "you don't have to do this, I will finish it". I just politely said "its okay" and kept on doing what I was doing and kept biting my tongue about offering solutions.

I don't know if interactions like this would make her reconsider or not. I just left her to her own crap when she was stressed and did not offer help unless she asked.

I also do not get up early in the morning when the kids get up. I live in the basement and sometimes it is hard to hear them. Also since she wanted me to move down there, she can get up with the kids at 6:00 if need be, even if she did not get home until midnight like last night.

gogofo, are you happy with who you are? Not what your W or anyone else thinks of you. This begins with you.

I am happy with me and where I am going and who I am becoming. It saddens me that I may walk this path alone as this was not part of the plan. My emotions were down yesterday because I had not been taking care of myself physically, not much sleep etc.